


Cross your heart (please don't die)

by writingforfun18



Category: Chicago PD (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Gen, Hurt Jay Halstead, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Little bits of Fluff, Little bits of humor, Mentions of loss, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Spoilers for all episodes from S7E9 onwards, Upstead, and also for some Chicago Med storylines too, and probably a lot of AU after that, bad memories, continued spoilers for all s7 episodes incl 7x16, references to earlier episodes throughout
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:00:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 58,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22153672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingforfun18/pseuds/writingforfun18
Summary: For as long as Jay can recall, he's tried everything to do right, to not be another version of his father.Here and now, he realizes too late how much it could cost him.(a continuation/au from season 7 episode 9)
Relationships: Jay Halstead & Hailey Upton, Jay Halstead & Will Halstead, Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton
Comments: 96
Kudos: 248





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, this is my first Chicago PD fic. 
> 
> Any mistakes are all mine. x

“Cross your heart and hope to die?” 

The kid in front of Jay says it in a sing-song voice which almost succeeds in minimizing the not so kind intent behind the question. The kids behind the boy all have their arms folded, little kids attempting to look tough and to 9-year-old Jay, they succeed. 

Not that they needed to try too hard, Jay would always be truthful. He may be only 9 but he’s always known that being truthful is something he wants to be. To be like his mom rather than his dad. 

To do what’s right even if that means being laughed at, even if that means the cold shoulder in school at a time when school sometimes feels like a sanctuary from what happens at home. 

Even if it’s at great personal cost to Jay so he nods at the boy in front of him. Wouldn’t ever be any other way.

Even as they laugh at him, even as the kid pushes him backward and even though he was prepared for it, he falls back onto the ground anyway.

Even with the days that follow that feel like months before the same kid taps him on the shoulder one day in class and invites him to join in and it’s forgotten.

Till next time, till the next time, he’s faced with doing what’s right versus doing what the easiest choice would be.

Over and over again throughout his life, a pattern repeated, some kind of foolish mission to prove to who even knows who that he wasn’t Pat Halstead and never would be.

Thing is he wasn’t even sure till now that it was foolish. Though a voice in his head kept feeding his doubts, a voice that sounded so much like his mom, 'Do what's right for you baby, stop doing what you think is the right thing even if it hurts you'. 

Warmth, love, concern, always concern and yet each time just like that night when 9-year-old Jay had gone home, his face lined with a streak of tears he’d not managed to wipe away properly and shook his head at his mother’s questions, told her he was okay and quietly disappeared upstairs before his dad came home and before there was even a tiny fraction of a chance Will would be concerned enough to ask, he batted it away. Told himself truth always came before everything. 

Here and now, he supposes there’s at least an excuse for even considering what he’s about to tell the woman across the room from him.

He’s in pain, he’s likely concussed, everything in his head between both ears is a constant ringing noise, accompanied by a throbbing pain and there’s this pit of dread in his stomach that tells him the misplaced confidence he had earlier was all for nothing. 

He can’t open one eye now either, he can speak though and the words are tumbling from his mouth before he can stop them not that he even attempts to.

The truth, everything’s that eaten at him since Marcus West died, since software they had no right to trust killed Marcus West, since he whether or not he did it himself killed Marcus West.

He can hear Voight’s curse, his protestations for all the good they ever were, he can picture Hailey as if she was in front of him now, her fingertips pressing against Jay’s lips urging him to take back every single word.

Its too late though, how did he ever think it’d end any differently anyway? 

He hears every word Angela says, hears ‘You deserve to die’ and perhaps he’s tired, perhaps he’s more injured than he thought, perhaps he understands exactly what she means because it’s not like a kick to the stomach when she says it.

Pat Halstead once told him that being honest wasn’t the best policy always except he’d died with Jay believing he hadn’t attended his academy graduation. 

So who even knows what’s right or wrong and who is Jay to be the moral arbiter anyway? What right did he have to be the one with the truth and using it to force his way into Angela and Bobby’s lives when he was at least one of those who’d been party to the end of Marcus’s.

That voice in his head murmurs 'Oh Jay, stop doing this to yourself', he's too busy focusing on the fact that Angela doesn’t tell the bad guy who Jay is so that’s yet another piece of evidence to chalk up in favor of never being honest again. 

She doesn’t kill him or say another word to him even though all the words and wounds in her head, all the pain both physical and mental must feel like it belongs nowhere other than on Jay’s body and soul right now. 

She lets him run up the stairs and in Jay’s head, he’s making all kinds of promises, even while he attacks the other bad guy, even when Hailey arrives and he’s dimly aware of her words and for a moment he considers responding that he’s okay, would expect her to doubt him and maybe in his head, he’d say ‘Cross my heart’ but no more than that because too late he’s realized that being truthful ain’t all it’s cracked up to be.

Truth is he knew that long ago anyway, truth is he’s been skating on the edge between truth and lies since what seems like forever. 

Truth is all that he can hear in his head over and over right now is ‘You deserve to die’ except there she is again, the voice of doubt that sounds like his mom, that’s joined by more familiar voices because he’s almost forgotten completely what his mom sounds like if it weren’t for doubt.

He says nothing to Hailey though except to say he’s going back downstairs and then he’s running back downstairs hoping that he doesn’t have another death on his conscience, hoping that Bobby won’t grow to hate him even more than he will do when he finds out the truth anyway. 

The gun, and oh shit the gun he’d forgotten all about, is in her hand raised high enough to harm and he thinks it’s gonna be okay as he tells her its over, thinks that she’ll never forgive him and that the lie he briefly allows himself that is that that’s okay because he won’t either and maybe this is his time to leave anyway cause everything around him always turns to crap eventually anyway. 

Then she raises the gun once more and it’s not like the last time it happened, he knows it's bad, real bad because it’s immediate, the struggle for breath, the pain that’s crushing, the light above him that’s fading in and out and the warring voices.

Angela’s, his mom.

‘You deserve to die’ 

‘You don’t Jay, you don’t, cross my heart, please don’t die’

Over and over. 

And then just as he feels consciousness leave him and he tries hard to fight against it, there’s a sudden pressure on his chest that makes his eyes fly open and he hears a familiar voice begging him to stay awake and to stay with them, he can’t even lie one last time, can’t even muster up half a smile and say ‘it's okay’ and hope its the one truth he could be content to speak.

Instead, he says words he's said too many times in his life already. 

‘I’m sorry’.

And that’s when the lights go out. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the kudos and feedback on my first ever fic in this fandom. 
> 
> This and the next chapter contain spoilers through 7x10 and a little bit beyond and includes some real AU stuff or maybe it happened just off-screen and then beyond 7x10 which is most likely of course very AU.
> 
> I felt like we really should've had some Will and Jay as well as Hailey and Jay.

Waking up isn’t like it is in the movies, no drama, no tearful reunions. 

It’s quiet aside from the bustle of activity outside his room, it’s cracking one eye and then the other open to check that he’s not woken in some waiting room to heaven or hell or somewhere in between. 

It’s sharp pain that’s muted by whatever the hell they’ve given him and this feeling of weakness that he’s not felt so heavily since after it all went to crap in Afghanistan.

The nasal cannula too that he’s far too familiar with. 

He shifts and tries to sit up, knowing it’s a bad idea but hey he is the king of bad ideas or has been of late so he does it. 

The world shifts, Jay’s vision clouds over and he slumps back, eyes firmly shut and his hearing just this white noise of pain and his own breathing.

He’s so wrapped up in the pain that he doesn’t hear the footsteps and when a hand gently touches his arm, his eyes fly open and he strikes out with his right hand. 

“Woah, Jay, it’s me, Will.”

His eyes focus, find Will’s and he lets out a slow shuddered breath, tries a smile that he imagines is as watery as his eyes which suddenly fill with tears that he blinks away. 

Will looks exhausted, his eyes are red, probably just from tiredness Jay figures but maybe a little something else too.

A little something else that comes pouring out of his brother. 

“You gotta stop scaring me like this. You almost died Jay. Y’hear me, almost.” The way he says ‘died’, the way his voice cracks on the ‘almost’ tells Jay more than anyone explaining his injuries could ever do.

Jay says nothing, his fingers find the material of the blanket on the bed and worry at a small part of it, he wants to not look at Will because looking at him means confronting how close he cut it this time but he owes it to him he thinks, owes it the only blood he has in his life nowadays to listen, and not just listen but see, show some sign of letting Will know he understands, he gets it.

“I’m sorry.”

Will shakes his head, not angrily, not with annoyance and somehow it’s worse that Jay recognizes it’s with sadness.

“Don’t apologize for something that could happen again and again unless you leave and by the way that’s not me pressuring you into leaving. I just get scared, you’re all I have that connects me to being a kid and when I get a call out of nowhere telling me my brother’s been found but he’s been shot and I didn’t even realize you needed to be found,” then as if he’s trying somehow to understand it himself he repeats, “s’just you almost died.”

“But I didn’t.”

Will looks like he wants to hit Jay or hit something. 

“You wanna know how close you were? It grazed an artery, Marcel had to operate and I had to tell your team, it wasn’t certain you’d be okay so yeah you didn’t Jay, you didn’t and I can’t tell you how relieved I am but also I’m, well I’m.” 

Will scrapes a hand over his face, shakes his head and then grabs onto Jay’s right hand.

“I’m so relieved you’re here and I’m not having to organize your funeral is all, man. You look like shit but you’re gonna be okay.”

“I  _ am  _ sorry though,” Jay repeats wondering why sorry is all he feels he can say, wondering why he’s incapable of anything other than just wanting to fall back to sleep, avoid facing up to the memory of what happened, what he confessed.

Will squeezes his hand gently, a half-smile on his face.

“See this how I know you’re sorry and that you’re also feeling shitty cause you didn’t say I look like crap too.”

Jay scoffs lightly, eyebrows raised upwards for a fraction of a second, “It's not so fun to point out the obvious, man.”

Will rolls his eyes, “There he is, okay, listen I’m going to let them know at the 21st that you’re awake, just rest for now okay.”

“I can sleep just as easy at home?” Jay tries, in his head crossing his fingers and toes, putting on his best pleading expression which worked about once when he was a kid in an argument with Will.

Will pulls his hand away then and shakes his head. 

“I swear to god Jay, shut up before I sedate you, okay, one last time you almost died, you need to rest, you are going to rest and when you’re home which will not be today, we are gonna talk about all of this and why I need you to be careful for you, not for me, not for intelligence, not for anyone,  _ you _ .”

Jay looks away, down at the blanket, anywhere but at Will but manages a small nod and a quiet, “Okay.”

It’s quiet in the room then and Jay thinks Will left, thinks about shutting his eyes but when he does, he just hears a bang and when he hears that bang, he’s somewhere else entirely and his eyes blink open again and he feels shaky, not just weak shaky, but upset, triggered shaky and it just blows.

The scrape of a chair startles him but brings him back fully and Will’s there, next to him sat down, a look of understanding that would normally grate so much but right now feels almost as comforting as a hug from their mom when he was a child.

“Go to sleep, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.”

Something tells him that maybe Will’s wrong, it’s so far from ‘it’s gonna be okay’ but his body, his mind, they both need rest so he nods, thinks about saying thank you but his eyes are shut before he can do that and before he can hear Will’s sobs of relief as they echo around the room and a quiet promise of ‘I got your back this time Jay, not gonna let you pretend this was all nothing.”

**

Jay wakes another time, long enough to call for a nurse who raises the bed, it shouldn’t help him as much as it does but he feels less vulnerable with it, more on equal terms despite the fact that he’s no less tired and wiped out with a little addition of pain that she clearly sees in his eyes and resolves with a press of a couple of buttons almost immediately. 

He’s too tired to be troubled by the gunshot that made him end up here. He’s too tired to ask after Angela, he’s just too tired to do anything other than sleep.

Then he wakes again, and it’s with a start, with a flinch that follows a noise that when he blinks his eyes open and sees a nurse outside his room crouching down to pick up a file has him realizing he’s jumpy as hell.

He’s about to shut his eyes again, hope against hope that the fact he feels more alert won’t mean it's harder to sleep again when someone clears their throat quietly and he looks to his right.

She looks tired, her eyes as red-rimmed as Will’s and as she takes a step closer to him, her lower lip wobbles so slightly before she shakes herself a little and grins as Jay catches her eye.

“Welcome back, how are you feeling?”

“Like I was asleep for a year.”

Hailey shrugs, “You needed a little rest,” she gives him this look, daring him, challenging him to argue with her.

It doesn’t stop Jay trying with her where he failed with Will.

“Hailey, you know I hate hospitals.”

It's a tiny laugh as she replies, “I do,” she knows what’s coming and he knows how she’ll respond and its each of them humoring each other, it’s comforting even though he’s genuinely so desperate to get out of here, he feels close to tears if he someone doesn’t say yes soon. 

“You gotta get me outta here,” he tries the eyes again, except he feels like all they probably do if how he’s feeling is anything to go by is serve to prove how much he needs to be here still.

Her response that comes with a warm smile that it somehow makes her shake of the head and ‘Not optional, no,” feel okay is no surprise.

The shift in her demeanor that Jay thinks he imagines but realizes he doesn’t as Voight walks in is something he comes back to after they leave him while the doctor runs some tests on him.

Something that when he’s not sleeping or thinking of Angela and of the stupid mistakes he’s made recently, mistakes that haven’t just affected him, makes him wonder.

\----

“It's against my better judgment Jay, you should stay one more day, just to be certain.”

Jay sighs, “Well then, it’s a good job that you can’t be my doctor given you’re my mother hen of a brother already, it’s a good job Dr. Marcel knows I’m okay and that I heal better at home.”

“You almost di-.”

“Oh my god, I’ll be ninety-four-years old in a retirement home and you’ll still be saying that won’t you buddy. Will, I get it, I get I scared you but you gotta let it go, man,  _ please _ ?”

Will looks ready to argue, except this time Jay’s ready to reply. Sure he doesn’t feel like new physically or mentally, he’s ready to admit that it’ll take some time for both but he’ll never recover here, not properly.

Won’t even begin to recover like he should until he’s got his own space again, space to face what happened. 

“Were you scared? Never mind when she shot you, when they had you, when you were getting beat to hell, what did you think of?”

Jay knows Will can take it, knows WIll’s seen the result of the most awful things, it wouldn’t hurt to tell the truth.

“Mostly, I thought of how the hell do I get me and Angela out of there, but there was a moment when I thought of your reaction when I was rescued and that you’d roll your eyes so hard at me but I’d be able to tell how afraid you were cause I’ve been afraid before and I know how bad it gets and then I got shot and all I could think of was Mom and Angela, what she said.”

“Which was?” Will prompts.

Jay considers telling him, thinks he could do with telling someone else because honestly, he could do with someone telling him it’s not true because since it came back to him, as if it ever left, it’s been a constant mantra in his head and there’s the rational part of his brain that tells him she was scared, angry and had every reason to be and maybe if he asked her now, she’d take it back.

Then there’s the side of his brain that’s already fragile, the side of his brain that he tries to quiet, tries to keep in check that questions why he always gets out of these things in one piece or thereabouts when Angela was right all along.

“She just got a little upset, that’s all.”

Will says nothing for a moment, stares Jay down to the point that Jay looks away.

“Sure hope you’re a better liar than that when you’re UC,” they share a small smile before Will adds, “Just know it’s not bad or weak to talk about what happened or anything that may give you difficulty Jay, you got people who’ll listen any day, any night. You just have to talk to us.”

“Sure,” Jay replies quietly.

“I believe ya, look just be-,” there’s a familiar noise then and thank goodness for Will’s job as he looks down and then gives Jay a wry smile, “Okay, you’re saved from an even longer lecture for now but please Jay, just be careful.”

He’s out the room so fast, Jay’s still half waving and saying aloud in a soft whisper to the room.

“Don’t think I’ll ever be anything other than careful again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. If you liked it, please leave a kudos or drop me a comment. xx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for 7x10 and then AU beyond that.

Wearing your own clothes again shouldn’t be so restorative especially with a shot up shoulder and cuts and bruises still adorning your face along with a headache and pain that the slightest sudden movement can leave him white-knuckled and ready to fall to his knees with the dizziness and shock of it. 

Still, Jay feels almost like he could skip out of the hospital, so relieved he is to get out of here, to try to sleep in his own bed, a place he never thought he’d see again not that long ago.

He’s readying himself for leaving when Hailey appears with his phone and his badge, more steps back to normalcy and a helping hand with his jacket.

It’s not just that though, she brings with her a hesitancy he notices her hold for just a moment too long, a nervousness that he doesn’t associate with Hailey Upton.

“Listen, umm, when you were in surgery, no one knew what was gonna happen and it made me realize I wanted to tell you something.”

She says it, halfway between looking at him and looking away and Jay’s in this place of wondering what she means while a little voice in his head says something else.

He gets out, ‘Okay,” offering her what he hopes is an encouraging smile, curious but suddenly nervous in a way he’s not experienced since…

Yeah,  _ since. _

Except like it’s a cliche from every movie or tv show he ever saw that when the protagonist says something or has something important to say, the bell goes, the phone goes, anything to delay the inevitable, his cell starts to ring. 

They share another glance before he crosses the short distance to the bed and picks up the phone, feels his heart lift slightly on seeing it’s Bobby but Hailey asks and she’s right, he needs to let go. 

Somehow Hailey makes it seem easy, makes it feel okay to let go. 

He lost this battle, lost this way to make things better for Bobby and his mom, complicated everything in the process and now he’s left with nothing other than the chance to focus on the small victory that he’s still there, that she is too. 

Tossing the phone back onto the bed, his thoughts return to Hailey’s words before they were interrupted. 

“What were you going to say?”

He thinks just for a fraction of a second, she’ll tell him but there’s a tiny shift in the way she stands and a small sad sort of smile before she says she’ll bring the car around and then she’s gone.

And part of him wonders if she just let go in the way she told him to let go too. 

\----

They barely speak in the car on the way back to Jay’s. Jay feels tired. Like he needs to take some painkillers and sleep for a week. 

He leans his head against the window, thinking of what Hailey had said or more what she hadn’t. 

The gentle movement of the car lulls him to sleep however and he only wakes up when Hailey starts to call his name. 

“You okay? You need me to help you walk or?”

He gives her a look and she grins, holds her hands up in surrender and waits as he climbs out of the car then she shuts the door and locks the car before they walk slowly together to the elevator up to his floor.

Ten minutes later and he’s shrugged off his jacket and slumped onto his couch, loosens the sling slightly before he lets his head fall back against the cushions behind him then he looks around him, at this place and all its familiarity, all the things he never thought he’d see again. 

In the background, he hears a tap running before it’s turned off and Hailey’s by his side, placing the paper bag of medication on the table in front of the couch and the water in front of Jay.

They exchange a glance and she smiles as she sits down, picking up the medication bag again and pulling out the tablets.

“You don’t need to Hailey, you can go home, I got this.”

She fixes him with a look that says she doesn’t believe him and it’s his turn to hold his hands up in surrender. 

“You think I don’t realize that if your dad was stubborn, you and your brother kinda took that mold and broke it between yourselves real good so yeah, I’m staying tonight whether you want me to or not, someone has to keep an eye on you so quit arg-.”

“That’s okay, I’m not arguing,” he says simply.

Hailey opens her mouth to protest before Jay’s words register and she gives him a sidelong glance filled with suspicion.

“Just when I think I got you figured out, you throw that out there.”

“Full of surprises that's me.”

“Don’t I know it," she takes out a couple of tablets from the separate boxes and blister packs and hands them to Jay who dutifully takes them,  “How ya feeling? Think you’ll sleep?” she asks him as she takes away the glass from him and places it back onto the table.

It's a good question and not long back, he’d have laid money that he would sleep and soundly but now he’s here, now it feels like he should be embracing being back here and the normalcy of it all, he feels edgy again, anxious even and he can't stop the words tumbling out. 

“She told me I deserved to die, Angela, that is.”

He’s aware of Hailey shifting slightly next to him, as aware as he is of himself trembling, of moisture stinging his eyes and his free hand shakily running over his face, resting against his chin and this need suddenly to get angry at what happened intertwined with despair and a fear that Angela was right.

“She was angry Jay, she was in pain and not just physically, she was afraid too and you either lash out and attack or you run and you shut up.”

She reaches for his hand, squeezing it gently. 

“You know for what it’s worth, I’m 1 person who doesn’t think you deserve to die, then there’s Will, and I’m pretty sure everyone in intelligence is on board with us and Trudy too and that’s just for starters Jay, you matter, you matter so much.”

He says nothing, the words don’t really register as he suddenly feels so tired, he just stares at her hand in his. 

Watches her as she looks anywhere but at him and maybe it’s the tablets, maybe it’s not, maybe it’s a strange kind of clarity of thought that could only come upon him when he’s tired, in pain and filled with memories of a conversation they’d had once before, the way she walked away when she opened up and how it reminds him of earlier, except this time she’d left before she said what she’d planned.

He opens his mouth and as quickly as he does, he closes it, squeezes his eyes shut and then just like the time his mom had pushed him off on his bike for the first time without stabilizers, he keeps them shut and ignores everything he said about never being anything but careful again. 

“I’d follow you blind too. Any day, I know I said I'd follow you anywhere and I meant it but I dunno it was different then, it's different now or at least it feels like it is,” he opens his eyes then, her hand still in his, her expression unreadable to most but clear to him, a hopeful kind of look that he feels himself, “So I’m saying it again because I want you to believe it, I want you to know that there’s nothing you could tell me that would phase me, that would change us, except I think for the better," then quieter but no less intent or certain he adds, "I trust you.”

Hailey nods, this smile that’s so fleeting on her face before she gently pulls her hand from his, scrapes it through her hair as she shakes her head slightly. 

“Oh man, you know it’s so tempting to say what I wanted to say earlier especially now, except that moment’s gone, Jay, you just broke down about what Angela said to you and I don’t want to wake up tomorrow or in the middle of the night if you can’t sleep or whatever and realize that nothing about tonight was good timing.”

Jay nods slowly,“Well that’s okay because I’ll be here tomorrow too and the day after that and the one after that too, there’s no time limit.”

“Don’t go promising shit you know we can’t guarantee in this job Jay, especially after this,” Hailey gestures towards Jay’s shoulder.

“Okay, but you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I do," Hailey shakes her head as if she's trying to convince herself it's the best idea too, "Now you wanna get to bed? I can make it up for you, I had a friend once who broke her arm and I looked after her and made sure she had a hundred and one pillows propping her up,” then with a grin, she adds, “well, maybe four.”

He smiles at her, relieved that they’re back to normal, or as close to normal as they could be after all that’s been but then she raises her eyebrows and he remembers there was a question.

“Just talk to me, sleep can wait.”

“About what?” 

“The case, Kev, his brother, just normal stuff.”

“Really? You wanna talk work?” she raises her eyebrows. 

“That’s as normal as it gets for us though right?”

She purses her lips, deep in thought for all of a couple of seconds and then shrugs, “True, okay so it all started with.”

He watches her as she talks, so at ease and used to her voice and the ache in his shoulder easing with the tablets, relaxation slowly starting to settle in him, he doubts he could sleep even if he wanted to, it’s soothing enough on its own to have Hailey here despite all that’s been, despite what was almost said at the hospital and again tonight, nothing has changed.

And that’s what says the most to him, that’s what has him thinking and deciding even as she continues to talk and eventually falls back against the cushions on the couch, relaxing next to him finally and her head leaning on his good shoulder as she does and as he casts sidelong glances at her before his eyes start to feel heavy, his last thought before he falls asleep is simply...why not tomorrow?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That could be the end or I could write some more...I think there's a lot more to be told of this and the after-effects of what happened, physically and mentally cause it was all tied up or seems to have been way too easily. (never mind the Upstead and all of that)
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and if you made it the whole way I hope you liked it, please do drop me a comment x


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter's a bit longer, thought about splitting into but decided it worked best as one. Everything here is very AU to what we'll get in canon at this point of course. 
> 
> Thanks so much for the comments and kudos - super grateful xx

There’s a resounding boom that blows him off his feet and Jay blacks out for a moment, awareness comes with ringing in his ears and the smell of smoke and what he realizes quickly is charred flesh.

He opens his eyes, wishes instantly he hadn’t when he tries to lift himself up and look around all he sees is dead bodies. His friends, his colleagues, guys he was talking to just minutes before about going home, about Christmas.

Now it's only him who’ll experience Christmas and the reality of that hits home as he chokes out a tiny sob and then he staggers to his feet, hears a voice that’s familiar but feels oddly placed here and now, in this place. 

“You deserve to die”

Jay shakes his head which is a bad move because his head feels like it’ll fall off but that’s better than a shot from the gun she’s holding.

“Angela, no, please don’t do this.”

She _does_ do it and the pain is agonizing, he can’t breathe, all he’s aware of is a rogue tear on his cheek until suddenly his airway clears, the pain lessens and someone calls his name and he lashes out and hears a satisfying thump before he hears his name called again and he opens his eyes expecting to see nothing except maybe the last few seconds of blue sky he’ll ever see in his life.

“That’s right Jay, come back, it’s okay you’re safe, you’re home.”

Will? 

“Yeah, yeah, it’s me.”

He hadn’t realized he said it out loud and he glances warily at his brother before glancing warily around the room, his bedroom, everything in its rightful place except for pillows that are on the floor and his brother’s hair which looks messier than usual and the trickle of blood that’s running from his nose. 

Jay grimaces, guilty rapidly filling every part of him as he watches Will. “I’m sorry.”

Will’s shaking his head and murmuring that it doesn’t matter except he looks freaked out, looks like he wants to sit down on Jay’s bed but is afraid to almost and that wakes Jay up properly more than anything.

Haunted by too many tales of vets who’d gone home different to how they were before, not obviously sometimes, just this creeping realization to their families that the man in their life had changed, maybe for good.

Jay’s worked so hard at avoiding that, even in the times he was in denial, pushing it down below the surface like he was a swan but with legs frantically pushing upwards to explode, he always tried not to let it show, tried not to hurt other people with it.

As long as it hurt just him, it wasn’t great but it was better than the other option, like now. 

“It’s okay Will, I’m okay and I won’t do that again.” The words sound hollow to him because that’s a promise he can’t make, not until he manages to control his actions when he’s asleep anyway.

Will gives him a look but sits on the edge of the bed, eyes looking toward the door for a second before he looks back at Jay.

“You deserve to die, did someone say that to you in Afghanistan or?”

Jay hesitates before he says yes which is the undoing of the lie even before he’s had a chance to try to embellish it. 

“Is it to do with what happened when you were kidnapped, before that?” Will asks gesturing towards the sling. 

Jay usually appreciates so much how smart all the people around him are. It's what’s saved his life many times in his job. He doesn’t know exactly how many lives Will’s saved in his career but he’d like to bet it’s many. Right now though, he wishes he was dumb. Stupidest kid in school. 

He presses his lips together, avoids Will’s penetrating stare and softly replies. “Yeah.”

“The lady who shot you or the guys who kidnapped you?”

“Like it matters?” Jay doesn’t know why he reacts so sharply aside from the fact that Will is pressing too many buttons he’s not ready to have pressed yet. 

Will is smart so thankfully he senses it, holds his hands up and shakes his head.

“Okay, it doesn’t really matter except if you can’t sleep or having trouble sleeping because of what some lowlife sai-.”

“She’s not a fucking lowlife, man.” Jay interrupts, his voice raised. Too late he realizes his mistake, sees the flicker of recognition in Will’s eyes and he wants to crawl under the bedclothes except he’s not got the energy suddenly, and there’s a nagging pain in his shoulder that has him suddenly wanting his mom.

Will edges closer, drops his hand onto Jay’s right knee that’s out from under the bedclothes and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“Okay I’m sorry man, she’s wrong though and I’m going to make sure I keep reminding you of that each day if I have to, like some cliche message I send each morning.”

Jay smiles slightly at that.

“Hailey said pretty much the same thing.”

“Yeah? Did ya listen to her more than you’re gonna listen to me or what?”

The shrug with one shoulder is all the response Will gets and it’s a sign of how concerned he is, how much he’s second-guessing everything right now with Jay or measuring him carefully that he says, “Okay, now how about some of your meds to stop those lines of pain that are breaking out all over your forehead right now?”

Jay nods, “Thank you.”

Will pats his knee and then gets up, moves to walk out of the room and then turns back.

“If you’re struggling Jay, please let us in, let us support you ‘kay?”

He’s out the room before Jay can put on his best ‘of course I will’ expression which they both know would be a lie and Jay’s unfathomably grateful for it. 

\- - - - - 

The light’s fading fast as the evening sets in and on the TV is a cartoon that’s probably designed for 5-year-olds and yet Will’s been laughing on and off for the last couple of hours, if it wasn’t so amusing, if it wasn’t for the fact that he’s covertly filmed Will during the last couple of hours, he’d be going out of his mind by now.

Instead, it’s good and it’s what he needed and he feels clearer, he’s in less pain now and he’s full for the first time in days after Will had cooked up some mac ‘n cheese. 

Will glances at his watch and sighs. 

“When you gotta go in?” Jay asks.

“Hour, it’s okay Hailey said she’d be over in forty-five so plenty of time to get to Med.”

Jay purses his lips then narrows his eyes suspiciously and gently punches his brother’s arm. 

“You two taking shifts for me or what?”

“What, no?” Will cannot lie for shit and at Jay’s withering glance, he amends his answer, “Okay, maybe a little, I will concede you look better tonight but that’s not been the case these last few days.”

“But it has been 3 days and you gotta trust that I’m a grown man who can take care of myself at some point Will.”

“Oh, don’t worry, tomorrow you’ll be on your lonesome most of the day and you’ll be begging to see me.”

“Yeah right,” Jay snorts.

“Anyway, I bet you don’t complain like this when Hailey’s here.” Will gives him this sidelong glance which when Jay returns the look, he accompanies with a wink. 

“Will, she’s my partner.”

“Okay, sure.” Will sounds anything but sure and the smirk on his face right now is just too unbearably smug and the “Your partner,” which he says with air quotes for ‘partner’ has Jay laughing despite himself.

“Someone’s blushing,” Will teases.

“I’m not it’s hot in here because someone always has to blast it even when it’s toasty warm already, anyway yes she is my partner in the work sense and she just likes to come over and tell me about what’s gone on upstairs so I’m not too behind when I go back.”

Once upon a time, Jay spent the weekend with friends in California, his buddy Manny had moved there after Afghanistan, set up a business. Manny had 3 daughters, one of whom one night had introduced Jay to the world of gifs and there’s one gif that reminds Jay of Will’s face right now.

“Don’t you ‘Sure Jan’ me, William Halstead or we can go at this all night.”

“You wouldn’t dare?”

“Try me.”

They share a look and a grin, it feels like too long since they did this and Jay’s beyond grateful despite everything, despite his nights and the worst of his memories. 

\------

“So, did the prick confess or what?” Jay asks Hailey as she sits down on the couch, her back against the edge of it and one leg tucked under the other.

She places the bowl of popcorn in the space between them and picks up a handful.

“Yeah, sure he did. I think the moment he set foot in the cage, he panicked and was telling us all the names and all the things we needed to know plus a few more we didn’t even know about.”

Jay dips his hand into the bowl and pulls a couple of pieces from it which he stares down at, nodding before he looks back towards Hailey.

“Do you guys miss me?”

She rolls her eyes dramatically, shakes her head and says, “Nope, Rojas doesn’t give me the trouble you give me for one thing.”

Jay pouts and it has the desired effect immediately as the tiredness on her face is swept away by laughter along with a gentle kick she aims at Jay’s thigh. 

“She’s great, really good but okay, to save you from having to go get some torture implements which you probably have hidden somewhere in this apartment, most likely underneath the floorboards, yes I missed you.”

Jay gazes at her, looking for the telltale glint in her eye, the moment her expression changes from sincerity to a delighted smile that she’s reeled him in, he’s more surprised that he’s only mildly surprised when it doesn’t change or at least not to amusement, more to something else, something closer to fondness than anything else. 

He can’t help the smile he knows creeps onto his face at that moment. It’s high school levels of glancing at her quickly enough and then again that she doesn’t see as she’s looking intently at the tv before she chances a glance back at Jay and they catch each other’s eyes and smile.

“I got a medical next week, before you say it I know it’ll be desk duty for a week if I’m lucky but it’ll be good to get back to normal.”

“Good, good, that’s great,” she responds and if you didn’t know Hailey you’d believe that she meant it. 

Jay, however, _does_ know Hailey.

“Well, zero outta ten for being convincing, what’s up? You don’t wanna partner me anymore or?”

She sighs, shakes her head at him as though she’s amazed he even suggested it “Jay, no, that’s not it, of course, it’s not,” she leans forward picking up the beer bottle and sipping from it then placing it back on the table. 

“Don’t go crazy at Will but he told me about the bad dream, he told me about what you shouted out, about your reaction when he tried to talk to you about it.”

Funny how 2 minutes ago everything seemed great.

“We’re not talking about that,” he says tightly, hoping the tone of his voice is enough warning. 

“Really? So we’re back to strong silent Jay except I thought strong silent Jay was a thing of the past, something you put to bed, you worked hard at putting to bed or at least finding ways to deal, truly deal and now that’s all forgotten?”

“You and Will just need to-,” the words die on his lips because he’s not even sure what they need to do, he knows how he wants to lash out and what he wants to say they need to do of course but he can’t say it, even though the words sit on the tip of his tongue, somehow he can’t.

Hailey isn’t finished though.

“What? We need to what, Jay? Stop caring?” Hailey makes a sound that has Jay looking at her, his eyes narrowing as he does, sees the way she brushes her face almost as though she’s wiping at tears and lightly sniffs.

He’s frozen though, doesn’t know what to do or say except one thing and that feels impossible, inappropriate even right now.

“You wanna know how much I wish there was an off switch for not caring about you, you wanna know how many times I’ve woken up in the middle of the night thinking about that journey in the ambo, you know how many times I’ve woken up almost screaming because each time in that nightmare, you’re a different version of dead or never waking up again and each time I think when I wake up there’s no version that is this, us sitting here sharing popcorn and me yelling at you about how much,” she hesitates and reaches for the bottle again.

Then without taking a sip, she stares into the bottle and adds, “you mean to me.”

She catches his eye for a single second and gives him what could almost pass for an apologetic smile when she’s got no reason at all to be.

The way Jay sees it, he has a choice, nod simply, smile and tell her that he feels the same even though and maybe he’s wrong but he feels that leaves so much left unsaid still.

Or maybe he does what the Jay Halstead who’s been burned before, been so fucking burned by what he’s been through that he’d just nod, say thank you and he’d try to ignore the look of something he never wants to see on Hailey’s face, least of all caused by him. 

“I love you.”

Or that, yeah that’s the other option, which maybe is the wrong time to say it or maybe it _is_ deeply inappropriate for now, he just said it out loud and it has Hailey who was about to take a sip from the beer bottle holding it hovering in mid-air instead as though she’s frozen.

Funnily enough, the skies don’t suddenly clear, the night doesn’t turn into day and birds don’t sing in unison and the nagging pain in his shoulder that’s been brewing and starting to remind him that he hasn’t taken anything for a while doesn’t disappear in a flash. 

Instead, Hailey fixes him with a look that’s a cross between ‘what the fuck’ and ‘what the hell’ and that shouldn’t make sense but it does. 

“I love you,” he repeats it and then because third time’s the charm and man if his mom wasn’t obsessed with saying that, then one last time he repeats it “I love you, Hailey.”

It gets no less nervewracking saying it and it certainly doesn’t help that Hailey says nothing, she blinks and there’s this half-smile that looks like it could break at any moment and he’s not sure if it will break into a full smile or into something else that’s much less positive. 

“You don’t have to humor me Jay, or be grateful and say what you think it is I want you to say, I’m here because I want to be and because I want to be sure you’re okay, you don’t have to-.”

Jay holds up his hand, picks up the bowl and places it on the table and then shifts slightly closer to Hailey.

“You know what I realized, all the way through the time it’s been you and me as partners, it’s you who’s taken the risk first, the things we’ve said that stay with me, it’s always been you and maybe I could wait, maybe I _should_ wait, maybe the timing is off and tomorrow we can look at where we stand and that’ll be okay too if where we stand is where it’s always been, it’s just this time I wanted it to be me.”

He stares at his hands, not that he’s afraid to look at her, just that he’s aware of the fact that no matter what he’s said and he _does_ mean it that if tomorrow comes and it’s all too soon, it’s fine, everything has changed. 

He feels the shift in the couch as she leans closer, her hand lightly touching his arm.

“Look at me,” then louder, “please?”

He does and it's hard to believe one face can portray so much all at once, hesitancy, fear, happiness and then fear again.

“I’m kinda a fan of the idea of seeing where we stand in the morning thing y’know but also, you know in the hospital I said it so easily about you just not realizing how I meant it and certainly not to you, I’ve said it my head a hundred times over even just tonight and now you’ve said it and everything’s altered.”

Jay shifts his head slightly so it almost touches hers, close but not quite there. And if that ain’t an allegory for tonight he thinks.

“There’s no deadline for saying it back as long as I’m not ninety years old and you decide to tell me then-.”

She shakes her head, there’s a hint of a laugh that’s not hysterical or upset.

“Ok, I love you.”

There are still no fireworks, there’s still no darkness turning into light, there’s nothing except two people who smile at each other as if they hadn’t just said what they did. 

For who, no matter what happens tomorrow or the next hour, there’s no taking it back, there’s nothing except a quiet realization that nothing has to change necessarily.

It’s just voicing what you’ve had and dimmed from your thoughts for so long anyway, it’s an almost giddy relief accompanied by a slight tremble that Jay’s not felt properly for a long time. 

“Okay then,” he replies simply as she grins at him before he leans forward, skips a couple of channels on the remote and there’s reruns of old games as Hailey gets up, gets his medication, watches as he takes them, drains his drink and places the glass and medication back in the kitchen before she sits next to him, her legs outstretched in front of her, feet resting on the table, the beer bottle in her hand as she leans her head against Jay’s uninjured shoulder.

Just like a few nights ago, except everything has changed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, okay, I wanted to do it like this cause yeah it's sappy but also understated, anyway thinking if I continue this to add more of the other guys into it maybe? Also thinking I may do post-episode codas perhaps but anyway that's for later.
> 
> Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, do let me know if you did and come and chat anytime at coffeeandfics on tumblr Bye for now x


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking this at a slower pace for now in terms of Jay's recovery than the show is just to fill in those gaps and of course, it's very much Canon AU at this stage. 
> 
> Thanks once more to anyone who's read this so far and an extra special thanks to anyone who's left kudos and/or commented. You've made me so happy and motivated xx
> 
> PS. not feeling too hot today so sorry if there are extra spelling errors or any mistakes x

Morning comes with a space next to Jay on the couch, an empty apartment, a blanket over him and a pillow underneath him to support him while he wears the sling.

He sits up, rubbing at his eyes and tilting his head from one side to the next trying to ease out the stiffness in his neck and trying unsuccessfully to forget the sling he’s getting completely sick of wearing at this stage.

He looks around the apartment, trying to see a clue that last night happened. Not that anything other than sitting there watching the game with the person you’d just confessed your love to, not once but three times happened but it’s quiet again, too quiet and Jay knows himself well enough to understand it's not what he needs.

What he needs is to head out and run. What he needs is normalcy to return. What he needs is fresh air and Hailey by his side preferably too.

Instead, he picks up the remote, turns the TV on and walks to his kitchen, smiles at the empty beer bottle that’s on the counter, then smiles harder at the empty envelope that’s kept in place by the beer bottle, there’s a pen lying next to it and writing on the envelope.

A familiar scrawl and he moves the beer bottle out the way, picks up the envelope and reads it.

Good morning, next time I hope we make it to bed, my neck’s screwed. Don’t forget you have a follow up at Med later, coffee after? Those three words, H

Then rather than x’s, there’s a small heart drawn on the envelope which reminds him of love notes kids sent to each other. 

He sets the envelope carefully down, finds himself smiling as he turns away to the cupboard to grab a glass and fills it with water, he picks up the bag of meds and starts to walk back towards the couch then stops.

He grins to himself, feels a small amount of heat color his face, the tell-tale sign of blushing which is crazy, he’s on his own, no one here to judge and even if they were, the hell does it matter?. 

He turns back around, walks to where the beer bottle is, tosses it in the trash then with a look around him as if someone installed cameras overnight without him noticing, he picks up the envelope and this time makes it back to the couch.

If he pulls out the envelope multiple times over the coming minutes then who’s going to judge him anyway except maybe himself?

**

“So how is he, he okay?” Vanessa hands the coffee pot to Hailey, sips at her own drink and looks at Hailey as she sips at it.

“Okay, yeah he’s good, well I guess it’s relative but he’s doing fine,” Hailey responds trying to sound as neutral, concerned partner about it as she can. 

“Good, I’m glad.”

Hailey smiles quickly at Vanessa’s response, murmurs ‘me too.” and then turns away, opens a drawer and pretends to look interested at a fat lot of nothing that’s in the drawer she opened which Vanessa slides shut before she rests against the edge of Hailey’s desk.

“And I’m glad too that you’re looking after him, though it’s been way too quiet in the apartment, it’s gotta be hard to spend time with him, see him at his most vulnerable and still not tell him how you feel,” then she lowers her voice to a whisper even though there’s no one else around anyway. “Unless anything’s changed that is.”

She places her hand briefly on Hailey’s shoulder and Hailey looks up, meets her gaze and finds a smile, a small but knowing smile on Vanessa’s face.

How the hell does she do it? 

Hailey opens her mouth, then shuts it because maybe she’s right, except scratch that because Rojas is right but despite the fact that it hardly requires rocket science for Vanessa to figure it out given they share Hailey’s place right now and Hailey didn’t go home last night, it’s not even been the morning after the night before yet, even if that’s in the loosest sense.

When Hailey left Jay’s place this morning, he’d been asleep, he’d looked restful where just a couple of hours before, he’d hadn’t and she didn’t want to wake him, plenty of time for talking today, tomorrow and for a long time to come she hopes, still, they haven’t had that chat, she regrets nothing and if she knows Jay even half as much as she believes she does then she feels certain that he will feel the same.

It’s still too soon though and Vanessa may have super-sensory powers where it comes to Hailey’s emotions and feelings, Hailey’s content to let that be it for now. 

“Jay just needs a little help and Will couldn’t stay last night, it made sense y’know, it’s what partners do right?”

“Yeah, that’s one name for it, I see things you know now Hailey,” At that moment Hailey realizes that’s why their friendship works already, they’re different but so similar in some ways, she flicks her glance to Vanessa for a fraction of a second enough to see the smile widen before Vanessa’s expression sobers.

“Listen, I know I already stepped on things I shouldn’t, said things I shouldn’t so I’ll back off, just know that you reach out, I’m here and we can talk about everything except or only that, that’s all, subject closed till you want it to be open again.”

She walks away and Hailey stares down at the drawer before she swivels her chair around as Vanessa reaches her desk and sits down.

“Hey Rojas?”

Vanessa lifts her head.

“Thanks.”

“No thanks necessary,” Vanessa replies simply with a grin and then as if to illustrate it she picks up the phone and starts typing on the keyboard with her other hand.

Hailey swivels her chair back to face her own desk again, presses a key on the keyboard to wake up her own computer once more, shakes herself and starts scanning the report that she was writing up all morning.

\- - - - 

Will’s waiting outside looking anxious by the time Jay exits the cab and jogs to his brother’s side.

“What kept you?” he asks with a grimace.

“Good afternoon to you too,” 

Will stops just as they enter the building, turning to Jay and sighs, “Sorry Jay, crappy morning, we lost 1 person and then a kid came in, hit by a car outside their school, still alive but only cause she’s hooked up to all the machines.”

Jay shakes his head, slaps his hand against Will’s back gently, “I get it, you don’t have to apologize to me, man, I get it.”

“Yeah, of course, I just, oh man, we got lucky when you were hit, you got lucky too sure but the rest of us who know you, every day I’m reminded of how it could have been so different, we could be any of those people.”

“I am here though and sooner or later you gotta let it go, don’t lose what makes you Dr. Will Halstead but you just gotta let it go.”

“Like you?” Will levels Jay with a firm look and it’s a scrutiny that’s as unexpected at that moment as it was unintended for Jay to invite it and Jay has to look away, drop his hand from Will’s back and glance down at his watch which gives him the perfect opportunity to change the subject.

“We’re gonna be late,” he says walking toward the elevator, not missing Will’s ‘Avoidance noted,” which thankfully is said with a light enough tone it’s clear Jay doesn’t need to worry about any more lectures.

Yet.

Thirty minutes later and they’re stood outside Emergency before Will heads back to work.

“Good news that you don’t need any further surgery, just some exercises and a week or so or preferably the rest of the year or ten years on desk duty and you’ll be back to normal,” Will says, his voice a mix of genuine happiness and relief and apprehension at the inevitable return to danger Jay faces sooner rather than later. 

“Yeah, too bad I can’t skip the desk duty part but I think Voight’ll take some pleasure in having me do the leg work paperwork wise for that week,” Jay finishes the sentence with a pained look that has Will laughing. 

It eases any tension.

“So, you need company later? I can bring takeout and we can just talk or whatever.”

Jay considers saying no, all that’s on his mind is seeing Hailey once more even though he plans to message her once Will heads back to work and see her for coffee, he still wants more. 

There’s something about Will, the way he is today, the way he looked almost scared when Jay turned up later than planned even though it’s happened a bunch of times before, the way he keeps talking of what happened, how he’s hesitating to leave now.

“Sure, come on over when you’re done here and we’ll talk or whatever.”

Will visibly relaxes, “Great okay, I’d better head back, see you later Jay,” he walks away and then just as Jay pulls out his cell to message Hailey, he hears, “Be careful’ then he’s gone.

\- - - - 

It’s just another Starbucks, one they’ve been to before, he’s sat in the corner, spoon circling the cream on top of the coffee he’d got a few minutes ago when he hears footsteps that aren’t even that loud but he could pinpoint from far away like he’s some kind of dog with super-sensory hearing or more appropriately now, super Hailey Upton sensory hearing. 

“Jay, I’m so sorry, got caught up on paperwork and then Platt kept me talking, asking how you were like I’m the only authority on your health and then the traffic was awful,” she’s breathless, words coming out at a fast pace that has Jay grinning before she stops, sees his expression and grins back toward him. 

Jay doesn’t know if he should stand up and kiss her or hug her, suddenly can’t remember how he’d have reacted before last night but before he can think anymore she’s pulling her beanie off, placing it on the table and then leaning down to press a light kiss on the top of his head then sitting down opposite him and beams at the coffee he’d bought her at the same time he’d got his own.

“Hey,” she says, finally still, finally able to look at each other properly for the first time since last night.

“Hey,” he replies.

They smile, soft shy smiles like they’re strangers or just met for the first time in a bar last night and she forgot something and left it at his place so they met up so he could return it to her rather than all their history, all of last night, everything that’s gone before.

After what could but somehow doesn’t become an awkward silence, almost but never quite covert enough glances at each other while they each sip at their coffees, Jay breaks the silence.

“How did it go at the hospital?” Hailey asks, safe ground for now. 

“Okay, Marcel says there’s no sign of anything long-lasting so I can see the Doc and hopefully get the go-ahead for return to full duty in about ten days.”

Hailey lets out a breath and lifts up the coffee cup “Well, I am going to drink to that.”

Jay raises his own cup which is almost empty but it's the thought that counts right and they clink their cups together, sharing a smile at the innocence of it all. 

“Thanks for the note by the way.”

“I can’t even remember what I wrote, just didn’t want to skip out on you and have you thinking something went wrong or I was mad at something, just didn’t want you thinking of all the things you’d done wrong when nothing has changed.”

“Really?” 

Hailey nods, then slowly she edges her hand forward across the table to where Jay’s hand is playing with the edges of a spoon, she doesn’t reach for it, or hold out, she just lightly touches the curve of his fingertips with her own. 

It's somehow one of the most intimate things especially here in a crowded coffee shop, they look at each other and Jay wonders how they’ve managed to somehow come up with what’s almost the equivalent of a dictionary filled with words except theirs is filled with looks that mean so much. 

“You draw great hearts too,” he says it lightly, a gentle teasing tone that she blushes at slightly, her smile turning into a grin. 

“I only draw hearts for the most special people, you should feel honored Jay.”

“I do.”

Blushing must be contagious Jay figures. 

“So should I come over tonight? Would you like me too though Rojas’s spidey senses will tingle even more with another night away but I trust her.”

Jay raises his eyebrows quickly, “Rojas knows, how?”

“She kinda knew already, called me out on it, very kindly I have to add, at the hospital while you were in surgery and I guess it didn’t take a genius to work out where I could be when I wasn’t home and why I’m back and forwards to you.”

“You okay with that?” 

Hailey nods without hesitation, “Like I said, I trust her, anyway back to the subject, you, me, tonight and some pasta? I feel like pasta.”

“Great, just bring extra for Will.”

“Will? I don’t have to come if you’re having a Halstead brothers conference or night-in, I don’t wanna get in the way.”

Jay waves his hand, “You won’t, in fact, it may help to have you there, he’s kinda jumpy about me, I think it messed with him more than I knew and I didn’t have the heart to say not to come.”

“Okay, you won’t mind if he questions why I’m there, would you tell him?”

“Tell him what Hailey?”

It’s a good point and Hailey nods when she gets it, there’s a seismic shift between them that’s underlying everything and maybe it’ll take just hours or maybe it’ll take days or even weeks and everything did change, just perhaps not quite as much yet as what’ll come. 

“My brother may be the smartest of the smart but sometimes when he’s wrapped up in something even if it the after-effects of this whole thing and me, we could practically make out in front of him and he wouldn’t notice.”

The change in Hailey’s demeanor is instant, she sits up straighter and grins, “Oh yeah, you wanna do that?”

“You’d take advantage of your injured partner?”

“If he asked especially nicely then maybe,” Hailey fires back and okay, this is new.

Jay laughs in response, “I’m not sure whether this means I should buy you coffee more often or less when I’m back.”

Hailey’s cell chooses that moment to ring and she visibly deflates, frowning as she lifts up the phone.

“I guess we’ll need to debate the more or less coffee thing some other time Detective,” she says as she stands up and places the beanie on her head again, “So, tonight, you, me, Will, some pasta and making out then?”

Jay stays sat down, grins as his response and waves at her retreating back as she walks away. 

\- - - - 

“It is the best one out of the 2 though, Jay.”

“Yeah, like the best one of out of Grease and Grease 2 is like some massive bar to aspire to,” Jay rolls his eyes. 

“I’m with Will, the original is always the best.” As she says Hailey leans across to Will who’s sat next to Jay on the couch and high-fives him.

“You’re high-fiving each other because you have terrible taste in movies, congratulations guys.”

Will and Hailey start to laugh.

“He’s always been like this Hailey, the sorest loser, always so damn competitive.”

Jay scoffs loudly, “Oh and who pushed his brother over when he dared to come first in the sprint when I was 8 and my legs were shorter than yours as well?”

“That’s a fake memory, Jay.”

“Well, it’s not because I still have the scar on my knee from it cause I fell onto some glass.”

“And you’re still bitter about it now?”

“Well, only if you’re going to bring up me being the sorest loser when at least I’ve not scarred my brother for life.”

Will’s grin instantly falls from his face and Jay hears, “Well, not unless you count recent-.” before Will stops himself and starts scratching at the material on the couch and chews at his lip then he’s standing up and picking up his jacket that’s on the back of the couch, “I said I’d cover tonight and my shift starts in well, just over an hour.”

“I live way less than an hour away, Will, come on, stay we can talk about it.”

Will glances at his brother then looks at Hailey then back to Jay.

“What, and you’ll counsel me that it’ll be okay and ‘I’ll be careful Will, I always am’ and it won’t stop me worrying cause its not even the physical side I’m worried about but okay, no thanks Jay, not tonight, definitely not tonight, bye Hailey.”

Then he’s gone, out the door and it’s almost whiplash what Jay’s feeling now, a sort of shock at the unexpected emotion from Will and how it escalated from what started with a Grease v Grease 2 debate which had all been so light-hearted.

He shakes his head and then looks at Hailey.

“I have no idea what just happened.”

Hailey stands up from the chair and sits down next to Jay, “I think it’s a simple or not so simple case of 2 brothers trying to deal in their own very individual ways with a traumatic incident that almost left just 1 Halstead alive.”

Jay chews the inside of his mouth and after a few moments, he nods slowly then quietly he says “I think maybe you’re right.”

Hailey watches him, for a sign that he may be ready to talk about it, how he feels, the after-effects, the fact he probably needs to head back to therapy sooner or later and maybe her cue to talk about how it impacted her because she knows herself enough to know it's okay for now but if she doesn’t talk, if they don’t talk it’s the one thing that could undo them before they have a chance to be anything real at all.

The moment passes as quickly as she thought about it as Jay stands up and says he’s going to the bathroom and for Hailey to pick out a movie to watch, she feels a strange mix of relief and disappointment as she does.

\- - - - 

Ten minutes later and Jay came out of the bathroom a few minutes ago but he’s not come back yet, Hailey gets up and tidies away the plates from the pasta earlier into the dishwasher, turns it on and then goes and sits back down again. 

5 minutes later, he’s still not come back so she stands up, walks to the bedroom and knocks lightly, he doesn’t tell her to go away so she presses the door gently and opens it. 

Jay’s sat on the bed, shirtless, the sweater he’d been wearing clutched in his hand, staring down at it.

“Jay?” 

“I’ve been wearing it back to front all day, idiot,” he says admonishing himself an not looking anywhere but at the offending sweater. 

“Oh man, well no one noticed and you did good putting it on at all as well as that sling so don’t be too hard on yourself.”

Jay looks up then, gives her an appraising look, as if he’s trying to work out if she’s been patronizing or not and really, she’s not but she can see how it would sound like it, seemingly satisfied she’s not patronizing him he nods and then he tilts his head to the side, holding up the sweater.

“Think you could help me put it back on or find me a clean one? Little tired.”

“Sure I can,” Hailey crosses the short distance to Jay in a couple of short strides and takes the sweater from him, putting it on the arm of the chair in the corner of the room to put it in the washer later. 

Jay points her toward the dresser and the drawer with his other sweaters in and Hailey pulls out the top one, shuts the dresser and walks back to Jay.

It's not the first time she’s seen him shirtless but it is the first time like this when she’s helping him, when she can see the damage caused to him, where she wants to touch the area if for no other reason than to just be so grateful that he was able to withstand it, that something so amazing and precious as the human body can be saved even when it’s placed under as much hurt and stress as it was not even that long ago.

Hailey doesn’t stop herself and more importantly, Jay doesn’t stop her either, he doesn’t flinch as her fingertips on her right hand gently trace the area around where the dressing remains. 

Little edges pink on the skin around the dressing that show signs of healing, of recovery and being almost as good as new within the next week or so.

“Does it hurt?”

“Hurt’s the wrong word, it's uncomfortable and it’s,” he stops himself and Hailey wants to tell him that it’s okay to talk about it, he probably knows she won’t mind but he shakes his head as if that’s an end to it and then quietly, albeit meeting her eyes as he says it as though he’s not capable of lying when he does that he says “No, it doesn’t hurt a bit.”

“I believe you, except no I don’t but you know what you’re tired, sit down and I’ll put the sweater on you,” then she reconsiders, “Or maybe you could go to bed now, you know you look so tired and I could do with sleep.”

Something about Jay changes the moment she suggests it, there’s rigidity, a tension in his posture even as he’s sat down.

“We’re going to watch a movie right, maybe fall asleep in front of the TV again?” He says, anxiety clear in his voice. 

A thousand and one arguments and worries come up in her own mind, the least of her concerns being her own comfort, the top of her concerns being ‘what the fuck is going on that Jay won’t sleep in his own bed?’

She’s so tempted to address it now except she’s tired too, and aside from the stiff neck, there’s something early days of dating when you were younger sort of thing about falling asleep together on the couch, it’s almost innocent. 

“Right,” she agrees instead and she’s almost happy when Jay relaxes and she helps him put the sweater on and then finds the sling in the bathroom and helps into it again.

She turns away and picks up the dirty sweater from the chair and turns back to walk to the couch except Jay’s there, gentlest smile on his face when he leans down as Hailey looks up at him.

When it comes it’s so fleeting that for minutes, even days afterward she has to shut her eyes to remember it to convince herself it wasn’t her imagination, his lips are soft against her own, it’s a featherlight touch that’s gone as fast as it happened.

Then quietly but certainly as he pulls away, he says, “those three words Hailey,” then he grins, reaches into his jeans pocket and pulls out an envelope, holds it out to her and she takes it from him, reads it and starts to laugh,

“I’m so lame.”

Jay shakes his head, “Nope, not even slightly, the best thing is how we can say it all day long to each other and only we’ll know.”

“Oh okay, I’m a genius.” Hailey laughs and then taking his hand, she leads him back to where it all began and then with a conspiratorial grin and a whisper as they sit down together, closer than all the times before, she says in Jay’s ear.

“Those three words too Jay Halstead.”

The more things change, the more they stay the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, gradually adding more characters but don't want to swamp it yet, next chapter we'll take some steps towards catching up to the show but also some bearing of souls as well as some fluff of course too. Plenty of ensemble stuff when Jay's back at work.
> 
> If you enjoyed it, consider pressing that button or leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply xx


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day later than planned but here's chapter 6. As a reminder, this is Canon AU of course. 
> 
> Thank you so vv much for keeping on reading this story and for all the encouragement via comments or kudos etc, you honestly don't realize how much it all means to me. You are all amazing and I'm so grateful. 
> 
> Any spelling etc errors are down to me xx

The rain outside matches Jay’s mood inside as he sits inside the waiting room.

It’s just him, a TV on in the corner of the room and tatty old magazines in an unruly pile on the table in front of him. 

He looks at his watch and tries to fight the urge to run out of here, this is the first step on the way back to work after all. It’s just it's somehow almost as bad as being at Med or any hospital. 

Maybe he could pretend to have been here, he knows what they’ll say, he knows what they’ll request he does and he knows he’ll play along with it because like always and at heart, he’s dutiful, does what’s required and he’ll do it with even more vigor if it means getting him back on the job. 

He just really wishes he could skip this bit. 

“Detective Halstead? Jay Halstead?” a voice calls and Jay stops chewing the nail on his forefinger, hadn’t even realized he was doing it and he stands up, hoping his smile is more convincing than he thinks it is and follows the doctor into the room. 

Ten minutes later and the doc, Doctor Shriver who’s younger than most other doctors Jay’s come across doing the line of work Shriver does and for some reason, that detail makes Jay nervous, has completed the physical exam and he’s already said he’d seen the file on Jay and he’s already all but cleared him to return to desk duty and then full the following week if his recovery continues at the pace it should.

He sits back down, the other side of the desk from Jay and places his hands either side on the bridge of his nose.

“You sleeping well, Detective?”

Jay nods without hesitation, looks Shriver full in the eyes without looking away at all, doesn’t even blink. 

“I served too, I know that the smallest thing can trigger the worst memories. I think a GSW would be the least of my concerns and yet I’m sure that’s been the overriding concern of others most of all except you were abducted and I have to wonder if the GSW is the mask that’ll hide what could bring you down the most.”

Jay’s mouth suddenly feels dry while his palms feel sweaty.

“I won’t pry where I’m not supposed to, Detective. I’m here to clear you to return to light duty then full after a short visit in ten days but I read the report, I see it in your eyes, hell I recognize it in your eyes, you may think that all the previous therapy makes you immune, you may even feel okay today, you’ll go along to your required appointments with the department shrink and you’ll say all the right things and even engage with it, none of that makes you immune though, it should not make you complacent.”

“I’m okay,” Jay’s voice cracks on the second syllable of the ‘okay’ and the attempt at the full-blown Jay Halstead smile fails when he realizes his lips are as dry as his mouth. 

Shriver’s smile is warm, non-judgmental, just the slight narrowing of his eyes gives away that he perhaps he doesn’t believe Jay’s assertion he’s okay at all. 

“Fine then, make sure you attend all their appointments, make sure you come back here as well for final clearance for full duty and please just remember everything I’ve said.”

Jay nods then stands up, murmurs his thanks as he takes the slip that confirms he’s okay to return and he’s halfway to the door when Shriver calls his name again and Jay turns enough to see the doctor. 

He’s holding a business card in his hand.

“I know your first instinct will be to throw this in the first trashcan you encounter, I know you didn’t ask for my opinion or my interference in any of this, I know too that most of the time it feels impossible, the worst idea you can imagine to discuss what happened there with anyone other than the guys who made it out of the exact same situation you survived. I’ve been there but I also know that having done it once I’d gotten over the hurdle of getting inside that room if anything that distance helped, not at first but ultimately, there’s still the common bond, the common collective of memories that make you doubt whether you want to face another day where sometimes it's all you can think about and I don’t even have a job where I have to face what you do.”

“Thanks but I already did that kind of thing, it kinda helped but it just ran its course.” Jay knows he sounds dismissive, he almost doesn’t care, he just wants out of this room. 

Shriver steps closer, “What we have has no limit or set number of times you relapse or deal with it, maybe you are fine and you will be, maybe you’re the type of guy who can withstand what you recently did and come up smelling of daisies, I hope you are that guy but in case you’re not, take this from someone who knows and someone who had another person give them a card just like this not so long ago.”

Jay reaches out for it even before his brain can tell him no, “Thanks doc,” he mumbles and then with a half-wave he leaves before Shriver can say another word, finding his way almost blindly to the restroom and a cubicle which he shuts the door of harder than he wanted to before leaning back against it, his brain telling him to breathe in and out as slow as he can, his brain telling him the most important thing is that he's on the first step of his return to work when by rights, he should be dead.

Or his career should be at least. 

He stares down at the business card that’s still in his hand, looks at the toilet and considers flushing it away as he’s tried it before so why would it be different this time except he doesn’t, instead he shoves it in his jeans pocket.

His breathing slows though the shuddery breaths don’t sound too great even to his own ears, he rubs his face then opens the cubicle door, walks over to the taps, presses the button and splashes cold water with one hand against his face that he’s lowered towards the sink and then squares his good shoulder back, lets out a breath that’s steadier now at least and heads out the restroom, out of the waiting room and downstairs into the outside world trying not to let the words of the Doctor stay in his mind too long.

The only words he wants to remember are those that told him that normalcy will return soon.

He hopes.

\- - - -

Hailey pays for the drinks, picks up some sachets of sugar, a stirrer and with a thank you to the guy who held the door open for her, she walks to the car, glad that he rain's stopped for now and the sun is out from behind the clouds, the passenger window opens and she hands one of the hot drinks over before walking around to the drivers side and gets in

“Gotta say I was surprised to get your message,” Will says between blowing into the coffee to cool it down a little. 

Hailey shrugs, giving him a wry smile. “Not as surprised as I was, I kind of wanted to reach into my cell and pull back the message but eh, too late and I don’t want to keep you for too long at all, it’s just, well.”

She stops because she’s not even sure this is a good idea. It's probably the exact opposite of what a good idea is and yet here she is.

“Is he okay? I know I left in a hurry but he is okay, right?”

“Yeah, he’s fine,” she reassures him but she can feel Will’s assessing look burning into her. 

“Except you don’t think he is?”

“Well, would you be one hundred percent fine if you’d been through what he went through?” then realizing she probably sounded too harsh, she softens her tone and smiles reassuringly at Will, “Yeah, I think he’s okay all things considered.”

Will makes a ‘hmm’ type sound that sounds less than convinced and it’s pretty much a reflection of how Hailey feels.

Jay seems fine, physically he’s doing better all the time, he’ll be back at work in just a few days and then back on the streets not long after that if all goes to plan so from that perspective he’s good.

There’s them too, Hailey and Jay. Whatever that means. Wherever it takes them, she knows it's still despite everything, despite the admissions of their feelings for each other, it’s still colored by all that’s happened.

For now whatever it is is working in a way that’s been influenced at least a little bit by what happened to Jay, bringing with it a vulnerability she’s not seen before in him quite to this level.

For all that though, it brings fragility, this feeling that she knows Jay so well and yet he’s holding something back, something that perhaps he’s scared to share or even admit to in case it opens a can of worms that can’t be as easily closed tightly away this time.

She takes a deep breath knowing that saying what she’ll say now could lead down to a place where Jay thinks she’s interfering, telling tales out of school that only Jay has the right to tell Will but concern for him always outweighs everything else. 

“He won’t sleep in his bed, we always end up falling asleep on the couch or in my case in his chair, he needs all the room because of the sling and his shoulder, maybe it’s a comfort thing, I dunno, maybe it-.”

“He lashed out at me the other day,” Will interrupts with a quick glance at Hailey before he looks away, out the window. 

“He was having a bad dream, well, a nightmare and he hit me, knocked me over. I think it freaked him more than it freaked me and I was really freaked.”

“You think that’s why he won’t sleep in his bed?”

“Maybe, actually not just maybe, probably and I don’t know why and I’ve been trying to think of why ever since and all I keep coming back to is stuff that he’s never talked about before so it leaves me as blind as you,” he pauses, looking away out of the passenger window, “I was a terrible brother when he came home from Afghanistan, terrible son too, consumed by self-pity for everything that I considered had gone wrong with my life and sometimes it’s easy to pretend that what I didn’t ask back then doesn’t matter and it’s not too late but then stuff like this happens and I’m really not so sure.”

“I don’t know all your history Will but I’m guessing it’s not been easy for you. Even if I only think of after your dad and now this, it’d tip a lot of people over so I don’t think you should be too hard on yourself and that’s without all the other stuff you’ve probably dealt with too.” 

Will looks across to Hailey, really looks like it’s for the first time and maybe it is in reality.

“You’re good for him, he needs you right now even if he’s terrible at admitting it so please don’t prove me wrong,” he says with a smile that belies the words.

Hailey nods once firmly, “I’m not intending to, by the way, he needs you too and I think you need him. Even if it feels like it’s butting heads constantly, you’re better together than apart.”

Will lets out a rueful sort of laugh, “Oh and butting heads is what we do best, I hear ya Hailey and I know, it just feels like the moment I think I got things figured out. The moment I figure things are on a keel that’s even enough for us to talk properly or at least have normalcy or the Halstead type of normalcy, fate cuts in and throws us off again.”

Hailey's smile is sympathetic, “I get it, each family has its own version of normal which is anything but for most others so I get it, listen maybe come over later, I have no idea what time I’ll finish tonight so it gives you guys a chance to talk, figure things out and maybe between us we make it safe enough that Jay’ll talk and sleep in an actual bed tonight.”

As Hailey talks, Will drains his coffee cup and glances at his watch and then at Hailey’s last words, he shakes his head but not unkindly.

“An optimist, I like it, okay I’ll go over there, listen I gotta go but I appreciate you reaching out and I know Jay will even if he grumbles about it at first.”

Will opens the car door and jumps out, looks back and waves at Hailey, “Thanks for the coffee, guess I’ll be seeing you later.”

Hailey waves and then as she pulls away, she hopes the knot in her stomach is just because of the extra strong coffee rather than her gut telling her that what she just did was a big mistake.

\- - - - -

Jay gazes into the bedroom, at the bed, he’s tired, bone-deep tired, the pain taking longer to shift today for some reason or maybe it’s just the tension from earlier. 

That and sleeping on the couch these past nights.

He wishes he could sleep in the bed, wishes he could explain to someone what’s going on and why he can’t. He’s not even sure himself though, sure he lashed out at Will but he knows Will had forgiven him almost as soon as he’d stood back up from falling. 

He checks his phone again, his emails and then the SMS’s but nothing. He’s not surprised, he’s not even sure why he tried. 

It’s been months and he’s not even sure what timezone he’s in, he thinks he would know if the worst had happened at least but he keeps Mouse to the back of his mind most of the time just in case he’s wrong, just in case it somehow slipped the net that Jay should be told. 

Mouse is the only one who’s ever ‘got’ any of this, the peer group had been okay, good even for a while. Everything felt familiar, the experiences and all but they weren’t there where Jay was like Mouse was.

Mouse wasn’t there where Jay was recently of course or the last time he got shot, he’s not been around for experiences that have colored and changed Jay every bit as much as Afghanistan did but he was there when the start of everything in his adult life came crashing down around his ears.

And he misses that, needs it almost. Except, he’s not here and Jay’s kidding himself if he thinks that an email or an SMS will make the difference, it’s not as though Mouse’d just jump back on a plane because Jay’s suddenly decided he needs him.

No one does that for Jay so he needs to put it behind him. Even when Mouse responds which he will and he’ll be concerned just like always, he needs to stop thinking it’ll be the cure-all for him. 

His cell starts to ring then and he glances back down at it, sees the caller ID and despite himself, despite how he’s feeling, he smiles. A little at least.

“Hey, partner.”

“Hey Jay, I’m here in the bullpen, we’re all here and we all wanted to see how it went earlier?”

“Hey guys,” he responds, picturing everyone there, probably all stood around Hailey’s desk.

There’s a chorus of ‘missing you’ with several additional words that aren’t so polite which is all so familiar, he’d pushed it all to the back of his mind, this feeling of missing them all. What’s kept him going when he’s struggled with all the personal crap over the years. 

“So, you back with us soon Jay?” Voight asks.

“Yeah, yeah I am so you can stop using my desk as a dumping ground for all the crap and the donuts and I’ll see you in a couple of days.”

There’s a chorus of approval at Jay’s confirmation. 

“Desk duty first? You better brush up on the coffee-making skills man,” Adam shouts down the phone and hears the ripple of laughter and shouts of agreement with Adam.

“Be good to have you back Jay,” Voight quietly says as the laughter dies down and before Hailey’s voice comes back, it doesn’t give Jay a chance to respond to Hank but he’s not surprised.

“It’s just me now, you happy to be cleared?” Hailey asks.

Jay hesitates, thinks she won’t notice, “Yeah though it’ll be better when I’m okay for full duty, be back out there with you.”

“Duh Jay,” she teases then more serious, “You hesitated Jay, did something happen today, I thought you’d be happier?”

Each day in some small way from the day she became his partner, she’s shown him that she notices him, she knows him and sees beneath, maybe not all the way beneath but enough to pick up on small things or tells that Jay gives away even without realizing sometimes 

“Nope, just a little tired anyway, you coming over later?” he deflects, mentally crossing his fingers in his head, hoping she doesn’t press the question. 

He thinks he hears a small sigh before she responds, “Later than usual I think, maybe even early hours so get some sleep, maybe you could call Will?”

“Maybe.”

“Jay? Come on, you both need each other.”

“Okay, well, be careful later and I’ll wait up.” 

There’s a more audible sigh from Hailey this time.

“You don’t need-,” she starts, “Okay, see you later.”

He stares down at the phone again when the call disconnects, scrolls through it, back to his emails.

Nothing. 

Jay convinces himself that’s okay before he looks back up pocketing his phone as he does and staring once again at the bed, turning away reluctantly and walking back to the couch, staring into space and willing sleep to come. 

Hoping that when it does, it’ll be without interruptions at least. 

\- - - - - .

Back when Jay and Will were small when they fought, they used to ignore the other for a few hours though it would feel like days. 

Whoever was doing the ignoring would sit at the other end of the dining table staring at the ignored one, taunting them almost as they did, challenging the other to try to get a word out of them. 

All before the tears would inevitably follow, before their father would shout at them for being stupid ridiculous boys and all before a gentle hug from their mother and a gentle push to go and tell the ignored one they didn’t mean it and would they like to play ball would mean peace would descend on their home for a few hours again.

Fast forward however many years and it’s not quite the same, their parents aren’t there to play their usual roles for one and Jay doesn’t have a dining table for them to sit at opposite sides.

The silence is as tense though Will’s grateful that Jay let him in. He looks at his brother now, the way he’s leaning against the back of the couch, the way he’s fidgeting with some loose material on the couch.

The dark circles under Jay’s eyes and the sling that still looks uncomfortable and like it doesn’t belong there, it’s still preferable to where they could so easily have been had the bullet landed a little to the left, to the right, up or down, they may have been here sorting through his belongings, trying to retrieve memories pushed down and away and overshadowed by the memory of his brother bleeding out. Jay being dead instead of here, beautifully alive and breathing.

This tension and Jay’s demeanor is a sweet relief. Will could and would take years of this, of sullen silences in place of what could have been. 

He expects it’ll be him to break the silence, not that he’s ready yet. He’s not gathered his thoughts enough even though it’s the only thing that’s been on his mind when he’s not been with a patient.

“I know I scared you.”

Leave it to Jay to always surprise him, Will doesn’t even hear him properly he was so unprepared for him being the one to break the silence.

“Huh?”

“I know I scared you.I’m sorry and I also know you want me to open up and I wanna say I’ll try but I can’t say it’ll be easy. I know it won’t be but Will, something’s eating at you and if you want me to be honest with you, you’ve gotta be honest with me too.”

Will shrugs, “I’m okay.”

Jay’s laugh is loud, almost bitter in its tone.

“Stop being a hypocrite, Will.”

“Right back at ya man, _you_ stop pretending that you’re okay and tell me and Hailey why you won’t sleep in that bed, why you look like shit-.”

Jay fixes him with a stare, “Why’s it always on me to have to open up huh? Why don’t you ever have to answer for your shit? Why do I have to carry it?”

“Like you’ve not given me crap for not being there instantly when Mom was dying. Like you’ve not taken some moral high ground crap like it makes you better for the fact that you left to fight.”

Jay purses his lips and Will can see the hand on his good arm clench and unclench, he knows he’s pushing it. They both are, that’s the trouble and the difference in all the years since they were kids.

Harsh words were spoken with the innocence of children who saw things like stealing the other one’s favorite toy as the worst thing to happen to them. 

Now, they’re colored and scarred by everything that’s happened to them and when adults are hurting they lash out when and to who they love the most, who’s been there even if not in person, the one who knows the most about them.

When they lash out, it’s another scar even if it’s just a small one. 

“This isn’t about who’s better or not Will, who suffered the most or didn’t, this is about me saying that I want you to be honest for once, with yourself if not with me.” 

Jay hesitates then with a deep breath, he continues.

“You don’t need to have served or have been kidnapped or have been shot you know,” his voice is gentle, it reminds Will of his own voice when he’s telling patients or their families terrible news, “We lost Dad, I almost died, you got taken into witness protection and your relationship ended and that’s just for a start, it’d be more surprising if you didn’t have it or traces of it.”

Will absorbs Jay’s words.

“Which time?” he asks.

“What?”

“Which time do you mean that you almost died? The first or the last time, or the hero complex that could’ve got you the disease that killed so many others? Which time, Jay?”

“Will, don’t if we can’t even talk about this normally. If you won’t even listen.”

Its Will’s turn to laugh bitterly but he cuts it off quickly because there’s a voice that sounds suspiciously like his mom in his brain telling him to be calmer, telling him he needs to offer the words that’ll help, that’ll dampen the flames of anger in Jay, that’ll bring him out of the shell or the fear that he has while also acknowledging that he doesn’t expect it all at once and that maybe it’s not safe to expect it all at once, not for the things that Jay has buried the deepest at least. 

“I’ll listen, Jay, I will listen, and I’ll even admit that maybe you’re right and okay I will talk, and maybe it won’t all be pretty but you gotta commit to it too, and not in the ‘later on Will, we’ll talk about it later on Will’ kinda way, and first you gotta start with the bed.”

Jay rolls his eyes.

“The bed, Jesus Will, it’s just I don’t want to go in there, have the sleep like I did and lash out at you again or maybe even Hailey.”

“That’s it?”

Jay raises his eyebrows, “That’s not enough? That I’m fearful of hurting my brother or my," he hesitates on what he calls her, settles for "my partner?”

“Of course it is, it’s just you do see me right Jay? You do see that I had a bloody nose for about a half a minute but now I’m fine, you do see that right? And you do realize Hailey’s had a lot worse and you do realize that even if it happened again, you’ll never know until you try and me and Hailey we got your back you do realize that right?”

Jay’s quiet but then he slowly nods.

“Good then, well maybe we try it tonight?”

Jay says nothing but there’s a slower nod eventually and Will wants to punch the air with relief even though there’s something, something about the way Jay agrees as readily as he does that makes Will more certain that he’s not telling the whole story. 

Jay’s the equivalent of the hardest stone, he’s almost bloodless its that hard to get the truth, to get to the bottom of whatever has messed him up so hard this time around. Maybe it is as simple as the words that woman had said to him, maybe it’s that and a million other things. 

Will has to be grateful for the small victory tonight. 

“Okay, so that’s me done, how about you?” Jay challenges. 

“One thing at a time man,” Will says standing up, walking across to the couch and pulling out his cell, “I for one am starving so let’s order and then we’ll see where we’re at after that.”

Jay looks like he wants to hit him for his avoidance but then he takes the cell from his brother, starts scrolling and mutters a quiet ‘Okay’ and that’s when Will relaxes. 

\- - - - - 

It's past 1 am by the time Hailey appears, she looks tired but as always after something went down without a hitch and they have some prick who’s been a menace to the streets for too long now off those streets, she’s buzzing with adrenaline and there’ll be no sleep for her for hours Jay knows.

She starts chattering about anything and everything, most of it not relating to the case but more of what went down today otherwise and at one point, Jay catches his brother’s eye, his brother back in the chair and notes the amused expression as Hailey chatters on and he imagines he’s a mirror image of Will right now.

Hailey’s what they need after the heaviness of earlier, the heaviness that had lightened a little anyway but with Hailey here, it's all but gone now as she's someone an something else to focus on. 

And focus on her, he does till he yawns once too often and she gently kicks at his thigh.

“Someone needs their sleep,” As she says it Hailey fully expects Will to stand up and say goodbye then and maybe Jay would offer him the bed for tonight and recent normal service would resume.

Jay exchanges a look with Will then though and Hailey flicks her glance between both brothers, sees the nod and the reassuring smile appearing on Will’s face instantly. 

Sees the apprehension then the sort of resigned to his fate kind of expression on Jay’s face before he stands up, half waves and walks towards the bedroom before he stops, turns back, walks to the couch and close to Hailey, leans down and kisses the top of her head and then throws them both a look that screams ‘Here goes nothing’ before he disappears into the bedroom without a word, the door closing behind him. 

It's an excellent example of self-control Hailey thinks that she and Will high-five as quietly as they do.

They sit quietly, Will in the chair, Hailey on the couch looking for all the world like they’re watching TV, talking quietly occasionally but with regular glances at the bedroom door, ready, just in case.

Hoping that the just in case doesn’t happen but ready all the same. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I know, a little less lighthearted than planned but I am a firm believer that Jay (and Will) would not get out of this whole thing unscathed and whether or not the show addresses it all later so its a more delayed reaction which is no less believable, I just kind of think it's also crazy to think there wouldn't be immediate impact on all those around Jay as well as the man himself.
> 
> Anywaysss, next chapter will contain team stuff I think, oh, and I'm excited about it cause how did Jay get to work in 7x11 and Hailey was there already so yay, also it's not the end of any of the stuff from this chapter or any of the story so far.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought - If you enjoyed it, consider pressing that button or leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply xx


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A day later than planned, sorry - I had a wobble. Thanks as always for the reading, for leaving kudos and the comments, they make my heart so happy and motivate me in all the ways. 
> 
> I should add and its the first time I've added something like this but I suffer from PTSD. Currently, it's the avoidance type of PTSD, would not recommend, at other times in my life I've had regular triggers and the effects that follow so while my circumstances are entirely different from Jay's, I relate at least to how it can feel.
> 
> With that said, any mistakes etc., are down to me as always x

Sleep is scattered. Jay manages to doze, but that’s about it because it seems as soon as his body registers he’s asleep, his mind reawakens and brings with it the worst combination of all his bad memories. 

He manages to keep a lid on it. To the point that no one comes running in to try and comfort him.

Sometime during the night, he hears the apartment door shut and he thinks maybe Will or Hailey have left. In a way, he hopes they’ve both gone. They both need rest, Hailey after the already late night she’d had and Will because Jay senses there’s more to what’s going on with Will than he’ll admit and more than anything, they need time away from him, they don’t have regular 9 to 5 jobs, the last thing they need is Jay and the burden he is.

That’s the trouble with being awake in the middle of the night, the night holds your worst thoughts, your worst fears, secrets about you and the worst memories that Jay can normally keep below the surface all come out to play at night.

At 4.52 am, he gives in and sits up in bed, reaches for his cell and checks his emails. Nothing. For a moment, he considers dialing the number he has for Mouse. Even though if he’s away there’s not a chance he could answer. 

He hears someone walking around outside, the someone being Hailey, he recognizes the footsteps, that extrasensory perception when it comes to Hailey once more. 

He gets off his bed, stretching his neck from side to side, his good arm rubbing at the sling and his shoulder blade, he doesn’t really feel discomfort anymore from the gunshot wound, it’s more discomfort from the sling. 

He takes a step away from the bed but stops, hesitant at first but then he takes another step and then another till he opens the door. 

She was lying down he thinks but at the sound of the door opening, she sits up immediately on alert and all he sees in her eyes is concern as she jumps off the couch and to be by Jay’s side.

“You ok, Jay?”

“Yeah, yeah, am fine,” he bats away her concern then when he has her attention he adds quietly, “It's not as cozy out here.”

He leaves it there, doesn’t say another word and walks back into the bedroom, congratulating himself internally for not taking the easiest option which would have been to sit on the couch, fall asleep and vow to never sleep in his bed again.

For a moment, he thinks she’ll call his bluff as she doesn’t follow immediately and as he walks around to the other side of the bed to before because forward planning and Jay are a thing even if its presumptuous, he tells himself that’s okay.

Then she appears, her head tilted to one side before glancing back towards the couch and it _is_ okay if she decides not to sleep here, it’s really really okay.

When she steps forward and fully into the bedroom and turns slightly to shut the door behind her, Jay releases the breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding. 

She’s dressed in a pair of joggers and a t-shirt, her hair tied up and she looks exhausted, he wonders if she’s slept at all. He’s familiar with how it feels even when it's all gone well, knows if he asked, she’d play it down, sensitive to the fact Jay wasn’t there.

She sits down next to him on the bed, turning around briefly to plump up the pillows then stretching her legs in front of her as she turns back around. 

There’s never any question that now will be anything other than just them sharing the space together, it’s still significant though and Jay reaches out tentatively at first, his hand on the bedclothes, fingers splayed, not taking his eyes away from them till she does the same and their fingertips touch. 

He looks up slightly, enough to see her smile the corners of her mouth turn upward. Feels his do the same.

“Did you sleep at all?” she asks quietly.

He doesn’t reply, his silence speaks volumes and she frowns. 

“You know I’m here, and not just for the good times, but also don’t let it go out of control Jay, talk about it to someone you know, meds may be the an-.”

“They generally aren’t but thank you,” Jay interrupts, “And duly noted but right now, you should sleep.”

She lifts her hand placing it lightly on top of Jay’s just for a moment and then she murmurs, “Okay,” before she lifts the covers up on her side of the bed, slips her body underneath and gets comfortable.

“You can turn the light off,” Jay says.

“You’ll be okay? You going to try too?”

He gives her a look, rolling his eyes, “I _have_ slept in the dark before you know Hailey,” then at the tiny sign of frustration from Hailey as she shakes her head, he adds, “Yeah, I’ll be okay and one thing at a time okay?”

Hailey goes to turn the light off but stops and moves closer to Jay for just a moment, her hand turning his face towards her then cupping his chin before she gently presses a kiss to his lips and then pulls away.

The warmest of smiles on her face, a memory he savors when she shifts away, turning the light off and shuffling down the bed, asleep within a couple of minutes.

Jay lies there, listening to her breathe. Concentrating on nothing else till sleep of sorts comes for him for 5 minutes here, 3 minutes there, somehow though he manages to avoid the worst of his nightmares.

Somehow? Hardly. He knows exactly why. 

\- - - - - - 

Hailey sits at her desk, a pile of files to her left, sipping at the water bottle then picking up the coffee cup, frowning when she realizes it’s empty. 

Footsteps bound up the stairs and she swivels on her chair.

“Good mornin’, we the first ones here?”

She nods at Adam, smiling before she turns back around to face her desk again.

“Damn, coulda spent a few more minutes in bed, how long you been here?” He asks as he comes sits on the edge of her desk next to her. 

Hailey looks at her watch, “Twenty minutes give or take, Jay had an appointment so-.”

Adam’s eyebrows rise up then down so quickly, for a moment she thinks she was wrong but still she responds like its a reflex action.

“Come on Adam, he’s my partner.”

“You come on Hailey, this is me, I’m the last person who could judge you, and the first person to say that I’m happy for you, both.”

“Not quite the first,” she says with a small smile.

“Oh? Kev?” Kim?”

Hailey shakes her head, “Not Voight either, Rojas.”

He lets out a low chuckle, “She’s damn good.”

“She is, and I think sometimes it helps too when you’re new to all this,” she responds gesturing expansively to the bullpen. 

Adam nods thoughtfully, “So, you happy? How’s he doing? And, how are you doing?”

She doesn’t look at Adam immediately, instead, her gaze travels over the top of her computer and to the empty desk beyond asking herself the question, thinking of waking next to Jay earlier, thinking of them in his apartment making breakfast around each other. Trying not to dwell in this moment on everything’s that not so normal, the scars that aren’t even below the surface really where Jay’s concerned and not just physically. 

And herself? That’s not a question she’s given any thought to. 

“I am happy, kinda. I just wish it didn’t take this, nearly losing him for me to realize and he’s doing,” she hesitates, knows that Adam would only use the truth in a positive way to support Jay but Jay’s private where this kind of thing’s concerned, “all things considered, he’s okay.”

She offers a smile, half hopes but the look he gives her says the hope is in vain as he nudges her with his knee gently.

“And you?”

“I’m a little bit less certain of everything these past days and whether anything can ever be permanent or okay again yet so far I’ve never been more certain of the one thing that’s changed the most. I’m a little tired and a little bit scared of what it all means but right now, I’m also relieved.”

“Relieved?”

“Yeah, even though I tell myself I wasn’t aware until Vanessa made it crystal clear, till the prospect of him dying was a little too real for a while there, I think I was just fooling myself and now I don’t have to fool myself where that’s concerned anymore at least, I can just move onto the next thing now.”

“I feel that Hailey,” Adam says with a rueful grin then he stands up as they hear footsteps pad up the stairs,

Hailey turns her chair and stands up too, smiling as Vanessa appears, complete with a box of cupcakes and Adam calls out now, ‘Now this, this is why you’re fast becoming my favorite Rojas’ and Hailey sees Vanessa smile broadly before Hailey’s enveloped in a hug. Ruzek has always given spectacular hugs and she looks up at him as he tells her quietly.

“You ever need an ear, you call right?”

She lifts a hand up, pointing a finger at him and mouths, “You too,” before she’s squeezed gently one more time and she’s never been more grateful that they handled it and that they can be like this now. 

\- - - - - - 

“So welcome Detective, how are you?” The shrink, Dr. Raines, asks even before Jay takes a seat.

He takes his time with his response, feeling like he’s an old hand with this now, he feels a little less underprepared for this morning, knows what to expect.

“I’m okay,” he replies, offering a smile. 

“You understand how this works I presume, 3 sessions with me, in that time you’ll return to desk duty and then if I’m satisfied you will go back to your full duties.”

Jay nods watching as she looks at the file in front of her, taps a couple of buttons on her computer and then looks at Jay with a smile.

“Well, I see no reason to not sign you back on, you should feel no long term effects of the shooting or your abduction.”

It's too straightforward Jay thinks. The way she looks at him over the rim of her glasses at the final 4 words has him shifting uncomfortably though he tries to mask it. 

Still, she smiles and he hears the words ‘Well then you can return tomorrow Detective, behind a desk for 7 days, seeing me again in that time and I imagine in just over a week, it’ll be like it never happened’.

Jay thinks she expects him to nod, say thank you and move along in his eagerness to return to work and then in the next session, she’ll bring it up, it’ll spark a discussion on how broken he is, yet more irrefutable evidence in the eyes of qualified people, yes, but not qualified in the sense of knowing Jay Halstead. 

He’s not even sure he knows himself these days. 

“Except it did happen and I’m not trying to ignore it,” he starts, it’s almost gratifying that the doctor looks surprised.

“I’m just trying to deal with it in a way that means it doesn’t cost me my sanity, my job, so yeah maybe it seems like that’s what I’m doing, blanking it out at all costs but it’s not, it’s there whether I want it to be or not, just trying to not let it consume me.”

She doesn’t say anything, just stands up and walks around the desk to shake Jay’s hand.

“Day after tomorrow okay for you for our next session?”

Jay nods, standing up and shaking the doctor’s hand. It's a little like cat and mouse this session, each of them doing what the other doesn’t expect. He expects the Doctor to do a Shriver, to call him back, offer nuggets of wisdom, something to think about till next time. 

It’s only halfway back to his apartment that he figures it out. She didn’t have to do anything other than be in the job she is. Shriver had set it up almost so Jay pre-empted it, saw it off so it wouldn’t feel like he was ambushed.

Except it’s not entirely true, he said it almost as an act of self-defense and it worked today, it worked because surface level Jay does recognize all the things he said and it’s true he’s trying to retain his sanity and okay, maybe he’s not outright blanking it all out but that’s like potato, potah-toe because the very worst of what he feels, the absolute worst of it which is there just under the surface because it's too fresh and too new for him to have learned how to push it any farther down, needs to stay buried.

He needs to learn how to push it down because if he thinks about it all for too long, just like Afghanistan, just like his dad, his mom and all the people he’s affected with his actions, if he even rests there in that thought process for anything longer than saying what they want to hear, he’s too afraid it’ll all rise to the surface, never to be stopped and Jay will slowly submerge, slowly drown under the weight of it all. 

Taking Will and Hailey and god knows who else down with him. 

So he chooses this instead even if it’s a life where some of his experiences are dimmed, chooses what he’s familiar with, coping strategies that no shrink would sign-off on but that he knows any vet would know back to front. 

And he pulls his cell from his pocket, sees the SMS pop up just as he’s about to phone her and then does.

Her reaction is almost enough to stop him from dwelling all afternoon. Almost.

\- - - - - - 

They’d planned to head out with Will, just a local pizza place, a small celebration ahead of what may never have happened if Angela’s aim had been a couple of centimeters or even less to the right or left or up or down. 

The realities of their jobs put paid to that though and Will’s caught up in the aftermath of treating victims from a multi-vehicle accident while Hailey gets caught up in paperwork after last night.

It leaves Jay more time to dwell, more time for pensive thoughts and against his better judgment another email to Mouse, somewhere along the way it's like Jay forgot Mouse isn’t his journal he can pour out his feelings too. 

This time he wants to pull the email back, ends up sending another message. Thinks at one stage, ‘oh well at least it’ll worry him enough to contact me’ which is unfair to Mouse. He knows Mouse would call if he could. 

When Hailey opens the door, Jay’s not on the couch, he’s not in the bedroom either, she finds him in the bathroom. 

No sling, no sweater, just Jay and the healing scar on the outside of a man that’s healing or perhaps not. 

He doesn’t look at her at all. Just stares into the mirror of the medicine cabinet, he doesn’t flinch when she wraps her arms around him his waist from where she stands behind him, her lips pressing gentle kisses against his back, part of her wondering if this is too much, too soon but caught up in the need to soothe him, maybe a little bit of soothing herself too. 

She hopes wherever his mind is right now that at least it's somewhat comforting. 

A minute or so goes by and she steps back and away from him leaning against the doorframe, watching him, not crowding him now.

His voice is low, almost a monotone as he talks.

“I’m sorry that it's starting like this, that we’re starting like this Hailey, maybe we should cool it. I don’t want things to be hard, I don’t want to make your life harder.”

He doesn’t turn around as he says it, he doesn’t even stare in the mirror of the medicine cabinet, he stares down into the basin. 

Perhaps expecting her to turn away, giving her permission to do it without her having to look him in the eyes. 

Then having received his permission, she’d walk out and leave him because it’s not easy, none of this is easy and she realizes the impact on her is bigger than she can even guess at right now, perhaps won’t know until something goes to hell in their jobs sometime in their future. 

“Turn around Jay,” and when he doesn’t, “please?”

He sighs and then does as she asked, doesn’t look her in the eye, doesn’t look anywhere other than the floor, the door, anywhere but at her.

“Remember when you said you trusted me, Jay, nothing has changed. Aside from lack of sleep for you, too much time to think things through and think of all the ways you figure you’re not worth the effort, that people won’t stick around when you need them the most.”

She sees him tense, even more than he was. Sees him chew at his bottom lip, the way the muscle in his cheek twitches, small signs but signs nevertheless that means he’s hearing her, he’s listening. 

“Look at me, I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere unless you tell me that’s what you want and look me in the eye when you say that. Jay, we haven’t even explored all the millions of ways I’m fucked up too. There’s going to be times when maybe it’ll be you here where I am now, and me there right where you are and I know you’ll be there for me but only if you don’t sabotage everything for yourself in the process. Not just for yourself either, for me too, for us.”

Jay looks up slightly, not enough to make eye contact but at least for him to register fully that she’s there, that he didn’t just imagine her words.

Hailey steps forward, her hand finding his, fingers interlocking with his while her other hand rubs gentle circles between the thumb and forefinger. 

“Hey, look at me.”

His eyes are red-rimmed when he looks up enough that their eyes meet, there are no tell-tale streaks of tears down his face which is something or maybe it's unshed tears he’s internalizing and really Hailey’s not sure which is worse.

That’s a lie: the latter most certainly is. 

“Not going any place other than wherever it is you are, okay?”

He’s silent, just a ghost of a smile appearing and a small nod of understanding, that he’s hearing her. It occurs to her that maybe he’s doing it because he knows it’ll make her happy, give her a bit of relief. 

She can’t do any more than this though, not right now, she can’t make him believe fully just on the back of a few words no matter how heartfelt they were, no matter how if she had to she’d tattoo them on herself because perhaps he’s heard words like this before and yet it still turned out like this, still led eventually to this moment.

“Hey, we should sleep soon, we both have work tomorrow,” she emphasizes the last words with a smile, “I ate a little earlier so I’m not hungry but I can heat up some soup or something small like that may be for you?”

He mirrors her smile at least, not quite as full, not quite reaching his eyes but it's appreciative she thinks acknowledging her concern, grateful perhaps for the change in focus.

“I ate too and sleep sounds good.”

“I’ll go get some water, you need some?”

Jay shakes his head and she turns away, letting go of his hand as she walks to the kitchen, pulls a glass from the cupboard and turns on the faucet filling the glass then turns it off and walks towards the bedroom, picking up her overnight bag she’d filled with some clothes before coming over earlier and maybe at some point she needs to leave the contents here except maybe that feels too optimistic right now. 

Jay’s out of the bathroom on the bed, looking at his phone so she changes quickly in the bathroom, brushing her teeth, pulling a brush through her hair before she ties it up again. 

She drops the bag in the bedroom and walks over to the bed, the lamp still on and Jay sets his phone down as she sits on the bed then lies down, turning onto her side so she can watch him, he’s lying on his back at first, breathing slow and steady before he turns onto his side too, the side that’s uninjured.

They face each other, it’s intimate without the need to touch, its as if now they’re in bed, there’s no hurry, no rush or pressure right now, it's closer than they’ve ever really been, closer than last night even. Maybe on some level Jay still feels the trauma even at rest like this and perhaps the moment Hailey turns the bedside lamp off, everything will come flooding back and the safety of right now will be soon forgotten. 

For now, he seems peaceful enough that if she tried hard enough maybe Hailey could forget, perhaps for a second Jay could too.

They lie like that for a while then he opens his mouth to speak but the words fade on his lips.

“What?” she asks.

“It can wait, we need sleep.”

“You sure?”

He mouths a yes and so she turns over quickly, reaching her hand out for the switch and the room sinks into darkness.

She turns back onto her side, still facing Jay, seeing the silhouette of him before she shuts her eyes, hears a whisper so quiet she’d almost believe she imagined it if it wasn’t for the fingertips that rest gently on her hip, rubbing lightly at her skin.

“Thank you, I love you.”

There are worse ways to fall asleep she thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading, next chapter Jay returns to work! <33 
> 
> If you enjoyed it, consider pressing that button or leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply xx
> 
> PS. that episode last night, those parallels oh my god, Hailey's lingering touch. THESE TWO.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, thanks as always for the reading, for leaving kudos and the comments, they truly motivate me so much and just make me v happy.
> 
> Any mistakes etc., are down to me as always x

Hailey wakes to the smell of coffee, she cracks one eye open and looks to her right at the bedside table where a coffee cup sits, as she sits up she stretches and reaches her hand out to the cup, she picks up her cell with the other hand, sees the time and placing the coffee cup and cell back on the table she pushes the bedclothes back and gets out of bed. 

She neatens the covers one-handed then picks up the coffee cup again, sipping at the black coffee, shutting her eyes briefly at the familiar taste which always revitalizes her and then turns back towards the door.

Jay’s stood in the doorway, wearing a brown sweater, blue jeans and the all too familiar sling. 

Hailey grins at him, “So, it’s your first day back today newbie, feeling good?” She asks.

He demurs accompanying it with a small frown, “Not properly back for a week,” then as he catches the small shake of her head from Hailey, he allows a smile, “Yeah, yeah I _am_ glad, just gonna kill me seeing you guys out there and there’ll be me stuck behind a desk.”

Hailey closes the distance, her hand cupping the back of Jay’s neck, rubbing it gently, “One thing at a time, right? It's enough that you’re able to get back to it, that you’re not another retired from the job statistic. I know it’s hard but at least it's just temporary.”

“I know.”

“And knowing you, you’ll still run point, you’ll still back us up just as good as you’d do out there with us,” at his skeptical expression she continues, “Plus a week will fly by.”

“Okay, now I know you’re overdoing it so chill Upton.”

Hailey pulls her hand away from Jay’s neck and fixes him with a glare, “I try and be sincere and supportive and you call me out, can’t even be nice around here.”

Her glare loses any edge with the smirk Jay gives her to go with it and the way she can’t help but smile back, today’s big even if it’s not the whole nine yards, it’s a start. 

“Ok, you still wanna be first in there?” At Jay’s nod, she smiles, “‘Kay then I’m just gonna go shower quick and then we ready to go?”

Jay gives her a mock salute and she slaps him lightly on his good arm, takes a longer sip of her coffee, handing the cup to Jay and then wheels away to the bathroom.

“I put towels out for ya so you don’t have to use your own and you can use the body wash too,” he tells her as she leans down to pick up her bag along the way.

She turns back toward him, dropping her hands away from the bag and it’s a small thing, what any person having a guest to stay would do but the way he shrugs one-armed and the shy smile on his face says it's more than that so she returns the smile and nods mouthing a quick ‘thanks’ before she walks into the bathroom, feeling his gaze on her back the whole way before she shuts the door.

Small steps indeed.

\- - - - - - 

It feels like an eternity, a couple of lifetimes since Jay was here since he walked up the stairs, used his biometrics or Hailey’s this time and walked up the second set and into the bullpen.

His work home for so long and now Jay stands at the top of the stairs for a moment, looking at all the desks, taking it in, he already knew how close it was but it’s only here that he appreciates the gravity of realizing what nearly wasn’t his again. 

Knowing that had it gone sideways, or _more_ sideways, had he survived even but there’d been structural damage to his shoulder that wasn’t repairable enough for him to get back here, he doubts he would have ever come back. Too painful to do and even now when he’s here, it’s almost too painful to even contemplate. 

A hand gently nudges his elbow and he looks down at her, sees the quizzical and concerned look on her face.

“You okay?”

He doesn’t answer, his answer instead; the steps he takes forward, looking around him before he gets to his own desk, running his fingers along the edge of it. Nevermore grateful to look at a computer screen, never more grateful to look at each desk and the memories attached to them of the people who’ve been and gone and those who now fill each place. 

“Jay.”

Jay looks up, he hadn’t heard Voight, hadn’t seen he was here already or maybe he just arrived too. 

Voight gives him an appraising look up and down before he puts his hand out and Jay releases the breath he hadn’t even realized he was holding as he puts his hand out to shake it but then finds himself pulled forward into the briefest of embraces.

“Good to see you back, we got so much paperwork with your name on it,” he hears Voight say and as they separate, the older man grins at him.

“I’m kinda a little short of hands to do too much paperwork right now Sarge,” Jay says innocently hearing Hailey choke out a small laugh from behind him.

Voight shakes his head at him, not quite succeeding in hiding the grin on his own face.

“Nice try,” then as he steps back into his office, he pauses and Jay can see him nod before he says without a look back, “You and me, we’ll have a talk a little later.”

Jay’s about to respond when footsteps run up behind them and they turn to see Platt with a piece of paper, “This just came through, armed robbery in Canaryville for you guys.”

Voight’s already picked up his jacket before Platt finishes and Hailey picks up her own, sending a small smile in Jay’s direction before they all disappear downstairs.

“I’ll just stay here then,” Jay says out loud, pulling his chair back and sitting down, the longest week of his life ahead of him? 

That and then some. 

. - - - - - - 

The day is long, broken up by seeing everyone again, he’s grateful to be busy, grateful that he feels somewhat useful even if Jay thinks he’s trying to tell himself that rather than actually properly feeling it.

He hears what happens, he engages with it all but there’s something missing and each time one of them catches his eye, he knows they get it.

It’s why he tries not to make eye contact so often, tries hard to just get on with all he can do from behind a desk to solve it all.

It's almost the end of the day when he hears, “Jay?”

Jay locks his computer, pushes away from the desk with his good arm and stands up, walking into Voight’s office.

“Sit.”

“It’s okay, done enough sitting around today.”

Voight says nothing in response to that, allowing it, letting the room settle into silence for a moment before he asks, “When are you seeing the shrink?

“Uh, tomorrow morning and then the day before I come back to full duty.”

“And how are you doing? Any pain?”

“Fine, the sling is worse than any pain or discomfort from getting shot now, should be able to take it off before I see her for the last time and then I’ll be back.”

Voight sits back in his chair, the appraising look again that Jay still meets though there’s an urge in him to avoid the scrutiny, “So that’s the pain, how are _you_ doing?”

“Frustrated mostly,” Jay answers quickly, “Just hard all of this and-.”

“Don’t give me any of that BS, _that_ I already know Jay, you think I don’t know it’s killing you, that’s why I’m riding you so hard, that’s why I will do my best to not give you a moment to think this week but out there away from here, I know I’m not the instant choice to speak to but you got a team full of people out there who can listen and that includes me. I want you back and back properly next week.”

“Sarge,” Jay nods in acknowledgment.

“Good, so how you getting home?”

Jay’s just about to answer when they both hear footsteps and Jay turns around to see Hailey and then turns back to Voight whose eyes dart between where Hailey’s stood now and Jay, a half-smile on his face though he says nothing and then waves his hand as confirmation Jay’s off the hook. 

For now at least.

\- - - - - - 

It feels strange to be out at a bar surrounded by people. A good strange Jay decides as Will places the drinks, a beer for him and a soft drink for Jay in front of them both. 

“Sure I can’t get you one Hailey?”

Hailey shakes her head, “No, I’m good. I’m actually going to my place tonight, catch up a little bit with Rojas and stuff and pick up Jay on the way tomorrow.”

“Home alone huh Jay?” 

Jay grins, “Yeah, I can finally be trusted,” he lifts up his drink and clinks it against Will’s before taking a sip.

Hailey makes a face, “Well I wouldn’t go that far but okay, maybe I trust that you won’t fall over and hurt yourself more at this point though I wouldn’t be mad about it if Will stayed tonight.”

“You both can’t mother hen me like this forever.” 

“Sounds like a challenge huh Hailey?” Will winks at Hailey who nods enthusiastically and okay maybe Jay hates them both right now. 

“Okay well, as much fun as it is to tease Jay all night long, I’m going to leave you two to it,” she jumps off the stool and then presses a quick kiss to Jay’s cheek before pointing a finger at him in warning, “You stay out of trouble Jay Halstead and I will see you in the morning,” before she touches Will’s arm lightly and then walks out the bar.

Jay’s gaze follows her the whole way out and only Will’s deep laugh interrupts his thoughts.

“Oh man, never thought I’d see the day again.”

“What?”

“No, it's good, it’s really good to see. I thought after Erin, well you know.” 

Jay does know completely and nods, words aren’t exactly necessary. 

“I’m happy for you, plus I think it came at exactly the right moment for you, I think you need someone like her, she’s good for you.”

“Yeah, hope I’m what she needs too,” Jay almost continues but stops himself, shakes himself out of whatever mood he’s in danger of slipping downward into and then looks back at his brother, taking in how tired he looks.

“Anyway, now I’m back at work, how are you? You look beat, man.”

Will shakes his head, “Oh no, we’re not doing this Jay, we aren’t going to pretend that you being back at work is the end of it.”

“I didn’t say we were, I think between you, Hailey, Voight, and my shrink and that’s just off the top of my head, I realize it’s not going to stop anytime soon but that doesn’t stop me asking you,” then firmer he adds, “and wanting to know the truth.”

He appreciates the irony of his words as he says them, sees the way Will’s eyes narrow and what looks like a spark of irritation in his brother’s eyes and he braces himself.

Here they go again. 

“It's not easy, none of this is easy Jay but it’s fine.”

“That’s not an answer, or at least it’s not a real answer, it’s funny that for all the crap you give me about not dealing with this or that, you still won’t admit to me or maybe not even to anyone how fucked up you are or let me or anyone help you.” 

“Well okay, but you’ve been getting away with the half-assed answers for years Jay so maybe I learned from the best.” 

Jay doesn’t react because it hits him once again that this is just their way of avoiding everything and as much as Jay’s lived by that, used it to his advantage to avoid everything, slowly he’s learning at least in small ways and yet no matter what he tries with Will he can’t seem to get through without it being a back and forth of sniping at each other, he tries though.

“PTSD, you know triggers can come at any time, you think it’ll hit you the moment the trauma happens or in the days after but it can come anytime, it can be the smallest thing that happens when you’re treating a patient and even the smallest sight of blood that you’ve seen every single day can trigger it.”

Will takes a sip from the bottle, he’s looking anywhere but at Jay but Jay doesn’t let up, mostly for Will and perhaps a little for himself. 

“Everyone thinks it’s always flashbacks but you only need 1 flashback that could be minor but still stay with you for days to start the avoidance to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”

“I’m a Doctor, Jay, I can’t avoid blood and also I’m not triggered by blood.” there’s a hard edge to Will’s tone.

Jay counts to three million in his head so he doesn’t bite back at Will because he’s seeing it more clearly now, seeing himself in his brother. Completely different experiences in some instances, similar events but handled completely different in others, everything else feels recognizable though. 

This eagerness to be flippant, that isn’t handling PTSD at all, far from it, that’s dismissing it instead. That’s everything Jay has done before and at least partially that he knows he’s doing now. If only knowing meant the battle was won, of course, but it’s not, it’s only the start. 

“It probably isn’t blood for you I know,” he replies calmly, “I don’t know what it is for you, maybe even you don’t know it yet but I recognize it and I just want to he-.”

“By coming here and ambushing me? Yeah really helpful Jay, I thought we were coming here to celebrate you being back at work, why does every time we meet turn into this thing like you’re some kind of poster boy for handling PTSD,” he leans in then and hisses the words, “And I don’t have it, just because you’ve had it doesn’t mean I do.”

“You know sometimes fireworks are okay then sometimes fireworks and the holidays where we see them and hear them, they come at the worst time. One of the IEDs blew close enough to deafen me, I was bleeding from my ears but I was too busy trying to fight them off and failing to realize till later when they found me and the blood has crusted over by that point. I avoided fireworks for as long as I could after, I’d hide in my apartment, the pillows over my head and music as loud as I could get away with or if I didn’t then I knew what to do and how to avoid what happened when I had to deal with them. Then one day I got help and every other vet said they couldn’t deal with them, and it's harder for those with kids but gradually your brain resets and you realize fireworks are not the same as IEDs, you rewire your brain to say fireworks don’t remind me of Afghanistan and fighting for my life, they remind me of being a kid and me, you, mom and dad sat in the yard watching them from afar, it doesn’t always work they still mess me up but not every time because I tell myself that it's not the same, that I _am_ safe.”

“Why?”

“I guess because they make a banging noise,” Jay explains. 

Will shakes his head, “No, no, why tell me now?” 

Truth is Jay isn’t sure, truth is he wants to recapture all those words, place them back into his brain and then move on.

“You tell me to open up Will, and I just did and maybe me explaining makes it easier for you.”

“I’m sure if I had PTSD, it would help, Jay I don’t,” Will fiddles with the label on his bottle and doesn’t look at Jay as he continues carefully choosing his words as though he’s talking to one of his patients rather than his brother, “Just because you do, doesn’t mean I have to have it as well, I wasn’t in Afghanistan, I don’t deal with people shooting at me or sometimes having to shoot them every day or have that risk of it happening every day. I’m not you.”

Jay drags his hand across his face and sighs heavily, “Okay, I’m not going to push it because I know I hate it when people push it with me too but Will, think about it, please, maybe even talk to Dr. Charles about it if you don’t want to go there with me, please trust me you can ignore it for as long as you want but it won’t go away it never goes away on its own.”

Will doesn’t quite know why but at that moment, he almost crumbles. He almost falls to pieces in this far too crowded bar. Almost: the operative word because it’s not his battle to fight, not now, too much else needs his attention, one being the person opposite him. 

And maybe Jay thinks the same, maybe the very same thought process is running through his head right now, perhaps that’s why they struggle so hard with opening up.

All that’s common to them, the shared experience of growing up as they had, trying so hard to make something of themselves that met Pat Halstead’s approval, hiding the worst of what they went through and this, this is how they deal. 

His eyes move higher, his eyes find Jay’s and there are no words. How do you speak about something you’ve pushed so far down? 

Jay breaks the silence, “Mom’s probably shaking her head so hard at us right now.”

“And dad’s groaning at her telling her that we’re Halstead men and its normal.”

They share rueful smiles. 

“We will talk some time Jay.”

“You said that the last time,” Jay chides him though he says it lightly. 

“Well, that makes the score about 17-10 in your favor at my last count, man.”

“Touche,” Jay raises his drink to clink against Will’s before he glances at his watch, “Hey, if we motor we could make it home to watch classic games?” 

“Just like old times?” 

“Yeah.”

Jay drains his drink, watching Will as he does the same before his brother picks up his cell to order a cab for them, still concerned and no doubt it's the same for Will, they take a step forward and then multiple steps back each time lately and maybe it’ll get better, maybe one of them will open up and it’ll get easier or maybe it drives them apart forever no matter how carefully they navigate it all.

At least this time, it ended with some peace, neither of them walking out of this bar except together, no one hurting the other or causing more damage which they’d be needing to repair before they try again and again each time.

As they step out into the cold air together and the cab arrives, it’s something at least. 

\- - - - - - 

The next day and Hailey’s waiting for Jay when he leaves the building after the appointment with Dr. Raines, she beeps the horn and he lifts a hand up to acknowledge her, opening the door and sliding into the passenger seat.

Hailey pulls away, catching a glance at Jay before she asks, “How’d it go?”

Jay hesitates before replying because honestly, today’s appointment was no more clear cut than the last. 

“Okay, I think, I think I know what she’s doing, it’s just so different from Shriver and maybe I expected three thousand questions before she signs me back.”

“Maybe she can sense that you have the ‘don’t fuck with me shutters slammed tight’.”

“Yeah maybe, anyway anything new on the robberies?”

Hailey considers arguing for a moment but everything about him screams leave it and it occurs to her that maybe he hasn’t told her the whole story about the appointment, now isn’t the right time though and maybe there is no right time, maybe it is about snatched moments, occasional breaks through the clouds where he feels able to share.

Instead, she fills him in on all he’d missed in the time he’d been to and with Raines and then when that’s done, she tells him about her evening at her place tries to cajole Jay into what he and Will had discussed but gets no further than him saying they’d watched a game before Will had left and she’s about to ask him about his sleep because this morning he’d been quiet, they’d barely spoken on the way to Raines when they arrive at the 21st. 

She stops the car and then pulls the keys out and goes to open her door when she hears.

“Hey Upton?”

She turns to Jay who’s grinning at her, “What?”

He ushers her closer to him with his hand so she adjusts her position, leaning across closer to him and he leans in too and it’s so brief as he kisses her on the lips and then pulls away, grin a mile wide and his eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Just that,” he answers before he opens his door and jumps out, slamming the door behind him leaving Hailey sitting in place for a couple of seconds longer before it fully registers and she jumps out too, shutting the door and then hissing over the top of the car before she walks to his side.

“Why not when you first got in the car, the chances of Platt or Voight or well anyone seeing us.”

“I think Voight already knows and as for anyone else,” he gestures around him, “there’s no one here,” Jay says in response almost casually as though its nothing and Hailey stops dead, pulling at Jay’s jacket and focusing on the first part of what Jay had said. 

“He knows, how?”

“It’s Voight, anyway they’ve got to know sooner rather than later.”

“Okay true,” she concedes then starts walking again, “can we just agree to wait for a week or two, till you’re back properly.”

He turns to face her, stopping as he does adjusting the collar on her coat and smiling down at her.

“Okay deal,” then with a quick look around, he leans down and presses a quick kiss against her cheek before he walks away leaving her shaking her head at him and trying not to let the smile be too obvious to anyone, particularly him because no one least of all her needs him to be any smugger right now.

Even if it makes her smile, just don’t tell him that. 

\- - - - - - 

It gets marginally easier to watch as they all go out because Jay gets to interrogate still, he gets to sort out the warrants, he gets to do everything he’d normally do except go out.

Most of the time even though it’s just him, he’s able to keep himself occupied, able to distract himself from too many thoughts of the broken sleep he’d had and everything Raines hadn’t said but had implied with her body language earlier.

He thinks he’s succeeding at being on top of everything, at doing his job. 

“Jay?”

He looks up from his desk to see Platt stood just in front of his desk, he hadn’t even heard her.

“Sarge.”

“I brought up some of the images Voight asked for, for this case,” she says walking past Jay and into Voight’s office then after a moment, she comes back out, “Okay they’re on his desk.”

Jay nods, “Thanks, I could’ve come down and got them.”

“Yeah, you could but you look like crap and like a puff of wind would blow you over so I figured I’d do it myself.”

“Thanks,” Jay half laughs at her typical bluntness. 

She stands next to Hailey’s desk, her tone of voice immediately different “You scared us all, you better not do that again, okay?”

“Trust me, I’ll try,” he says sincerely. 

“Good, good, don’t try and pretend you’re okay if you’re not either.”

“I am okay though.”

“And a terrible liar, “ At Jay’s protest, she holds a hand up, “I know, it’s not as though as I can keep an eye on you easily but I do have eyes, that being said Voight _is_ smart enough to know,” she starts to walk away before adding, “And so’s Upton.”

Jay narrows his eyes.

“Just next time, don’t kiss her in the parking lot to show her quite how appreciative you are maybe unless you want the whole damn world to know.”

Oh, damn. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading.
> 
> If you enjoyed it, please consider pressing that button or leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply and love to chat about fic things and the show itself xx
> 
> ps. I always wanna say so much more here including what I have planned for the next chapter but no idea if that's irritating or not but I end up talking for so long so if it ever gets annoying feel free to say and I'll shut up lol. x


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Wednesday but alas no PD/Fire/Med tonight day :( Thanks as always for taking the time to read, for leaving kudos and for leaving comments that make me so excited when I see the emails. You're all the reason I feel so motivated. Thank you. 
> 
> Any mistakes etc., are down to me as always x

The evening before Jay’s final appointments and hopefully his return to full duty and Hailey has told him all about the disarm she’d made as she stretches out on the couch, her feet lightly touching Jay’s thigh as he rests his own on the table in front of him.

“So you missed me while I’ve been out of action?” he doesn’t look at her, his tone deceptively light.

Hailey must have the loudest eye-roll game on the planet and no that doesn’t make sense in his own head either but he knows she’s doing it without even needing to look at her, the piece of popcorn that bounces off his head and into his lap only serves to confirm that an eye-roll had preceded it. 

“I’ll take this,” he says holding up the popcorn, “as a yes,” he grins, his expression suitably cocky even though he’d meant the question, surprisingly he was particularly curious to know. 

Perhaps not surprisingly at all.

“Like you even have to ask Jay,” Hailey says quietly and then her voice changing as quick as lightning, she adds, “That’s why you got the popcorn sneak attack.”

“Oh yeah?” he replies, his eyes glancing down at Hailey’s feet and then gently, he starts to tickle at the soles of them, “ _I_ can do sneak attacks too.”

He’s the epitome of smug and playful right now Hailey thinks but it soon ebbs away when she sits calmly, glancing at her nails and then eating a couple of pieces of popcorn. 

“You’re not ticklish? Damn you’re no fun, Upton.”

“Or maybe I am ticklish but I have excellent control and the most supreme poker face.”

“Like I said, no fun.” he stops tickling her feet and Hailey takes that as her cue to shift her position, reverting to the other familiar position when she’s here and on the couch, nestled closely, securely into him with her own feet resting on the table in front of them and the popcorn bowl now in Jay’s lap.

She spies the sling on the far edge of the table and glances at him as he rotates his other shoulder slowly.

“Feel good to be without the sling for a little, tomorrow hopefully gone for good?”

He whistles slightly, “Oh yeah,” then with a sigh to prove it even more so, “yeah, and it doesn’t feel too stiff either which is great so hopefully, they'll say yes and then Raines too and I can put everything behind me.”

Hailey considers pushing him on that, whether it’s even as simple as the sling being discarded permanently and the shrink saying yes to being full duty again to kiss goodbye to all that’s happened, even just the events that led to Jay being shot surely can't be dismissed and forgotten just by tomorrow and what it’ll bring. 

It remains a thought in her head though and not spoken for now. In her head instead, she thinks of how it hadn't been the first time Jay asked if she missed him, how maybe somehow he thinks he's replaceable and it's ludicrous for her to think he thinks that and if it eases that voice in his head telling him he's not worth it, she could repeat it a million times over and not get tired of reassuring him. 

“I _have_ missed you, Jay, it’s been good being able to see you there each time I’d be back at the district, intelligence works because of each person but you and me, we’re a team, right? We _work_.”

He smiles down at her. “It’ll be different now we’re not just us in the work sense.”

“Or maybe it won’t, maybe the only difference is that we actually know it and have said it out loud, that and the fact that almost everyone seems to know even if they aren’t all telling us they do.”

She watches him as he ponders what she said and then he nods, “Yeah, maybe everyone knew before us and it's just a matter of 'ah okay, it happened' and life goes on normally because it's scarcely any different from before. “

They grin at each other and he pulls her in even closer as she reaches for another piece of popcorn and then offers it to him and it’s so domestic, so different from what her life was so recently, she can scarcely believe it.

\- - - - - 

Unsurprisingly Jay gets the clean bill of health and go ahead at Med and Will’s waiting for him downstairs when Jay practically skips up to meet him. 

“Wait, let me guess, they told you they need to medically retire you right?” 

Jay grins, like properly grins and it’s infectious, it’s always been like that or at least it was when they were kids. Sparingly maybe, particularly as they became teenagers but still all it would take was one thing two boys would find hilariously funny and Jay, in particular, to get him practically on the floor laughing and it was inevitable that Will would follow. 

“Happy for you, man,” Will says and he _does_ mean it, even though Jay’s job frightens him more as they get older, even as the risks of the job seem to hit home harder and the injuries Jay gets feel like they worsen each time. 

Will knows the feeling well though, when you’re good at something, you don’t want it taken away from you, never mind stolen and that’s what almost happened. Everything was almost stolen from Jay.

And Will too for that matter so it _is_ almost beyond words a relief that his brother is here today and looking so relieved and happy and Will has to bite down that feeling of dread and anticipation that’s always there even if it’s below the surface most of the time.

“You seeing the shrink next?” 

Jay nods.

“I’d take ya but-” he gestures in the direction of the ED where work's calling him. 

“Hey, it’s fine. I’m going to get a cab there and then Hailey’ll meet me after and I can head back for my final afternoon of desk duty.”

“You’re like a kid at Christmas, Jay,” Will can’t keep the affection out of his voice, “ _Really_ I’m happy you’re happy.”

Jay’s look is one of understanding, that he knows probably that it’s mixed emotions for Will. Except the way Jay pulls him in for a hug, the way both arms draw Will closer, the way he’s not impeded anymore, all of it is enough to dispel Will’s doubts and fears for now and as they pull away from each other and Jay walks away, Will realizes he can scarcely remove the grin away from his own face either. 

\- - - - - 

“So Detective, let’s say you go back to full duty tomorrow or the day after that and tomorrow you wind up getting abducted again, do you think Detective Jay Halstead or more importantly Jay Halstead would be able to withstand the emotional impact of it assuming you got out alive?”

Dr. Raines picks up her pen and holds it poised over the paper on the clipboard and crosses her legs as she sits opposite Jay, a slightly different way of talking this time, no desk in between them for the first time.

Maybe it’s meant to unsettle Jay, maybe she hadn’t accounted for the fact that Jay knows that this is how some shrinks roll. Maybe this isn’t his first rodeo. 

Maybe her question is designed to unsettle him too. Maybe if Jay really sat and thought about it, it would bother him, instead, his reply is instinctive.

“I did two tours of Afghanistan you know. I didn’t see bloodshed _every_ day but I heard about it each day, I saw the aftermath of it pretty much every other day at least. I lost friends, we even lost people we came to know and recognize as friends, locals who helped us, worked with us and yet it never stopped me going out there and _that_ was a warzone. This place for all its faults, it’s nothing compared to that.”

She doesn’t write anything, instead, she lightly taps the pen against the clipboard, it should be annoying, it’s oddly calming, reminds him of his mom sitting down at the dinner table at home writing list after list, thinking of what to put down and tapping her pen against the paper. 

“Doesn’t that make it even scarier though? More unpredictable, you can’t quantify the risk fully?”

It's a good question, a good point and something Jay’s thought about before, many times, distantly at least before dismissing it because it feels crazy to think that Afghanistan for all its violence was less unknown, somehow easier for it. 

Perhaps it brings up too many thoughts of that being why Mouse left, perhaps he needs not to think about Mouse and the lack of a response so far and why it could be. 

Perhaps he needs not to think about the fact that yes, he lost friends in Afghanistan but that’s also been the case here and not just from illness, from violence. 

He stares at the floor, trying to summon words he’s not sure he’s able to find, instinct temporarily deserting him. Why do people who do what he and the rest of Intelligence, the rest of every single district in this city keep coming back even while some of those around them didn't have the luxury of coming back?

“You asked if I could withstand the emotional impact if all of this happened again tomorrow? I don’t see why if it didn’t take me down the first time or the second or the third if we’re counting Afghanistan,” he says with a sort of half-smile which feels strange to do right now but chalk that up as another reason he’s almost back to the job that almost killed him, “why it would take me down next time or even the time after that and let’s say maybe it does, at least I tried to make a difference right?”

She’s quiet as she writes, he watches her closely for any sign. Waits for her to ask another question, he expects many because even listening to himself, it all feels such a weird way of looking at life, his life and those around him, perhaps too simple, too trite. 

Raines stops writing.

“That’s the first time you’ve acknowledged how many times you almost lost your life Detective, that’s the first time I’ve seen you talk about Afghanistan and not freeze up almost with nerves, that’s the first time I’ve listened to you and believed you and that’s the reason I’m going to sign off on your return to full duty.”

Jay almost sags with relief, for a small moment, he feels the sting of tears for some reason but he swallows it down, covers it with a smile and murmurs, “Thank you.”

Raines stands up, walks back over to behind her desk where she sits and taps at the keyboard before turning her printer on and within a couple of minutes, she signs her name on the paper, folds, and places it into an envelope, gets up again then walks back around to where Jay still sits and hands him the envelope.

“A copy will be emailed too but I know how Voight works so here you go.”

Jay stands up, taking the envelope from her, places it in the inside pocket of his coat and then holds out his hand which Raines shakes warmly in return. 

“Don’t be afraid to ask for help, even if you don’t find danger or not like you did the last time, ignoring it all won’t always work, you’re still a good cop even if you admit to needing help, perhaps even better.”

“Thank you,” Jay replies, and for once he means it, for once he hears all she said and on one level at least, it makes sense, it will take another level altogether though for him to act on it anytime soon though.

He walks towards the door, there’s less delight than when he left Med earlier, he feels tired like he usually does after these sessions still though it’s a quiet sort of calmness and satisfaction that he’s absolutely going to be back to work properly. 

Jay reaches for the door. Raines's voice stops him. 

“Good luck Jay,” Raines smiles, the first sign of informality in their 3 sessions saved to the end and he turns back toward her and grins.

“Goodbye Dr. Raines, all due respect but I hope this is the last time we meet.”

Her laugh is warm and he walks out the door, pulls his cell from his jeans pocket and calls Hailey who answers on the first ring.

“Well?”

“I’m back baby.”

Her cry of ‘Yes,” is how Jay feels and then some.

\- - - - - 

Jay feels no sense of sentimentality about his last couple of hours of desk duty, he won’t miss the whir of the printer that seems constant even when it’s not in use.

He won’t miss looking around the bullpen at the empty desks, dealing with the calls they’d receive and he won’t miss emptying out the refrigerator which in a fit of desperation and boredom at one stage yesterday he’d done. 

He will miss the time to observe the others though. Quiet observation in the short time they've been around this last week. Like how he can say with certainty that there’s something going on with Ruzek and Burgess. Ruzek’s constant glances, albeit fleeting, in Kim’s direction must be burning a hole through her back, side, front, whatever. Till today, she’d seemed irritated almost but it's been different today there’s a more relaxed air about them both.

Jay doesn’t want to know necessarily what’s going on, he just wants to know they’re okay. 

Atwater and his ongoing troubles with his brother and man does Jay know what that’s like except its more complicated for the other man. Kev hides it well but not well enough and he watches him carefully, ready just in case even though perhaps Ruzek’s the more natural choice, even Hailey could be, Burgess for sure, hell maybe even Rojas, not that Jay can’t listen or offer support, he’s just not sure he’s well enough equipped right now to help anyone resolve anything properly, maybe he’ll flick a switch tomorrow and being back at full duty will change everything.

Perhaps Raines’ words have stayed with him more than he’d thought. 

Whatever. He just wants to know Kev’s okay. 

Rojas. Feels part of the furniture already, be that here or for Hailey at home. He watches how she interacts with the others, how she’s this spark of life and enthusiasm, quick-witted, smart and according to Hailey the key and the kick starter to everything. He knows her the least and Hailey said she hardly knows much more, there’s something that drives her, just like each of them has that one thing or maybe a multitude that brought them here and Jay wants to learn that 

Needs to learn that as much as and as long as she’s comfortable with it. Till then he just hopes and trusts that she’s okay.

Voight had simply nodded, seemingly almost lost for words for a moment when Jay handed him the letter, some may have said that he was emotional. Sometimes Jay remembers Voight’s words, about him running intelligence one day, after all, that’s been since he said that, Jay’s doubted it more often than believed him. 

Jay wonders how Voight withstands everything, wonders whether he sleeps, wonders if that’s what he will have to exchange for running intelligence in the future. Jay trusts Voight will be okay because if he doesn’t, if he can’t then it’s like a domino effect and he’s not ready for that. None of them are. 

As for Hailey, there’s nothing that surprises him, there’s no emotion that she goes through that he doesn’t read at least not when they’re here. 

He’s been lucky with the partners he’s had, he’s been lucky to be a part of their lives in intelligence, luckier still to be partners all the time, he just has to take it slow, not change a thing and he knows she will be okay, at least today anyway. He just hopes it’s always like this. 

“You almost done Jay? I’ll give you a ride home.”

Jay’s reverie breaks and he looks properly at Hailey and nods, not even realizing what he’s agreed to though as she throws his coat over the side of his desk, he can guess. 

He presses 'save' on the document he was in, closes it and shuts down the computer, stands up, walks over to the printer and turns it off, everyone else left a few minutes ago apparently and it’s just him and Hailey. 

They weren’t the only ones left upstairs, behind them Platt and Voight had been talking quietly then as Hailey walks over to Jay and they walk down the stairs together, Trudy turns her head back from watching them to look at Voight.

“You know if intelligence ever gets shut down, you can take comfort in the fact that you have a career waiting for you as head of a dating agency Hank.”

Voight shakes his head, pursing his lips for a moment before he snorts out a kind of laugh and then, “And don’t I know it, Trudy.”

\- - - - - 

Hailey finishes brushing her teeth and places the toothbrush back into the charging stand, she flosses and then gargles the mouthwash before she turns the light off and walks into the bedroom. 

Jay’s looking out the window and she walks over to him, placing a hand on his back gently and he turns around.

“Hey, you.”

“Hey yourself.”

He grins at her, and then with one hand he pushes back a stray piece of hair behind Hailey’s ear then quietly, “I’ve got both arms now, imagine the possibilities.”

“Yeah Jay, now you can explore the wonderful world of washing _all_ the dishes.”

He shakes his head but there’s this wicked glint in his eyes when he looks back at her.

“I can think of better uses.”

Hailey almost reaches up to caress his neck, almost pulls him closer so they could explore all of those better uses but instead her eyes settle on Jay’s shoulder, not for the first time, her fingertips trace a circle around the edge of the now fading scar, so much better every day, but clear enough that each time she sees it, she’s reminded of the moment she heard the gunshot, ran downstairs and saw him. 

She finds her voice. “Big day tomorrow. I vote we save our strength, plenty of time for those better uses.”

“I got enough strength for both.”

“ _Jay._ ”

Jay thinks of how it’s incredible how Hailey or his own mom could say his name in three hundred different ways and he’d still instinctively know the meaning behind each way.

She’s right they have plenty of time to explore. Raines and her words aren’t worth dwelling on because lightning _won’t_ strike twice, he won’t allow it. Brave thoughts, foolhardy perhaps from a man who’s the very definition of someone for whom lightning has revisited multiple times, just in different ways. 

Moments later, they fall naturally into what’s fast becoming a habit, in bed facing each other. 

“See you in the morning, partner,” Jay whispers quietly then just as Hailey’s about to respond, he holds his finger up, “Wait, see you in the morning, macushla.”

“Macushla?”

Jay shrugs, “It’s Gaelic, means something like my darling, my sweetheart. Sometimes, the rare times' things were really good with mom and dad, dad used to say it.”

Hailey lifts her hand, moving it to cup Jay’s chin, thumb scratching lightly at the light dusting of stubble then with a smile she says, “Full of surprises Detective.”

“Not even started yet Upton.”

Hailey doesn’t doubt it for a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. looking forward to a little more action. 
> 
> If you enjoyed it, consider pressing that button or leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply xx


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit later tonight than intended and a little longer. Spoilers for 7x12 and bear in mind it talks a little bit about the scene later on in the show so if you're squeamish just be aware of that.
> 
> Thank you so much as always for reading this story. I can honestly say I've never felt more encouraged and motivated and I'm so beyond grateful for anyone who reads, leaves kudos or a comment. Thank you.
> 
> Any mistakes etc., are down to me as always x

The first morning Jay’s back on full duty, he’s ready and waiting as Hailey ties her hair back, puts the beanie on and a pair of gloves and walks over to where he’s leaning against the kitchen sink and looks up at him.

“You ready?”

He leans down as she looks up, kisses her lightly on the lips and then with a flourish pulls something from behind and presents it to her.

“Coffee, just how you like it,” he grins as she takes the thermos bottle from him and unscrews the cap, the aroma of freshly made coffee filling the kitchen and all Hailey’s senses.

“And now I see the _real_ benefit to dating my partner,” Hailey takes another sniff at the contents of the flask then looks back up at Jay.

Jay who’s smiling at her. Jay who’s whole and in one piece and everything transformed from how it was. 

Yet still so very much the same in every other way. 

“You ready?” she asks and at Jay’s nod, she turns away, thermos hugged close to her as she notes Jay’s got one too and they head out the door together ready for whatever comes their way.

Being back starts off great, driving again feels awesome. Being an equal among his peers again, unencumbered by the gunshot wound is more welcome than he can describe. 

There are a couple of days of relative quiet that almost feel heaven-sent. Enough time for Jay to get back into a rhythm, for he and Hailey to be able to figure out the beginnings of a routine that could work. 

Each night when they arrive back at Jay’s, he’s too tired to have bad dreams. There are fragments of disturbed sleep but not enough that it plays on his mind or maybe he’s too tired to dwell on them.

Good tired too. 

The routine they had before Jay was shot scarcely changes. That upon saying goodnight, they do it from the same bed.

The only real difference is that they leave from the same place each morning, armed with coffee-filled thermos bottles and what feels to Jay like an almost indefatigable sense of optimism that Jay’s unfamiliar with feeling. 

Apprehensive about feeling it too but desperate to keep hold of it even though time and experience tells him that it’s foolhardy. 

The first couple of days it feels like Voight almost ordained them, almost commanded the entire criminal fraternity of Chicago to be quiet just so that later Jay can look back and wonder if it was real, wonder if what happened was so that he could at least kid himself that everything was fine, that he and Hailey worked. 

When Hailey grins at him as she holds up the lid from the thermos that contains a small amount of coffee and presses it against Jay’s as a silent toast as they sit in the truck halfway through the second day and Jay shakes his head, a smile he thinks he’d struggle to remove for days on his face, he realizes how wrong he was.

How if he ever needed reminding, life can change so fast. 

Then comes the third day and Jay still has no inkling of what’s to come as he and Adam observe Kim and Hailey prepping the van and continue the conversation they’d started earlier when Adam had told Jay about their news.

“It’s badass no doubt,” Jay replies.

“Ah can you imagine the stories we’ll tell those kids,” Adam grins before he quietly adds, his hand holding Jay back from moving closer to the van as Kev and Vanessa walk past them, “And that’s not just the ‘we’ as in Kim and me, man, you and Hailey, I saw it coming a mile off honestly.”

“Yeah, Hailey said you’d spoken,” Jay replies, quieter still. 

“Don’t worry I already gave her the talk too, I know you’ll tell everyone about it officially when you’re both ready and everyone will just shrug and be like ‘Oh well that figures’ just don’t mess it up, we need Intelligence of the future to be filled with little Uptons and Ruzeks and Halsteads and Burgesses.”

“Why stop there, man, what about the Atwaters and Rojas's?” Jay questions, playing along a little, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Give ‘em time, man, listen I’m just spitballing. Thing is I can scarcely get that little sonogram picture out my mind, oh and don’t think I didn’t notice the change of subject, just be good with each other, y’ hear?”

Adam lightly smacks Jay’s chest at the last sentence and moves ahead of him, joining the others by the back of the van and leaving Jay standing where he is for a moment catching Hailey’s eye who mouths an ‘Okay?’ to which Jay nods with a smile and joins the others too. 

Days later it feels like that was the one little shimmer of light before a time when it feels the light will never fully come out again.

\- - - - - - 

_“The more I learn about you, the more I realize I have no clue who you really are’_

_“Good...my plan is working.”_

They’d laughed about it once upon a time. A time when they were simply partners when the stakes weren’t quite as high as they are now.

A time where nothing was uncomplicated because life is never like that but at least the being complicated didn’t directly threaten to hurt them. 

_Them_ being this still fledgling change that is them together. New and fragile, brittle. The realization that working together and being together away from work too means there are fewer places to hide.

He watches Hailey as she sits on the armchair, staring at the TV screen, for all the world looking like she’s paying attention but he knows she isn’t. 

He knew the murder of Cameron had affected her. He knew the hatred and suspicion towards Darius Walker, it had all been swept aside for a little bit, that’s all. Never truly forgotten.

Hailey’s more distant. She’s here tonight but only in body. Everything about her screams ‘leave me alone’ to the point where she’s on the couch rather than next to Jay.

Where each time Jay tries to talk, she’s practically monosyllabic. To the point where Jay’s surprised when he tells her he’s going to bed and she actually follows. 

She sleeps with her back to him but Jay stays on his side facing her back, ready to be there if she needs him.

She doesn’t. Or maybe she does and he just doesn’t know. 

\- - - - - - 

Jay almost canceled on Will. The events of the day, the deaths of the three dirty cops on his mind, concern about Hailey uppermost. 

Now he’s here with Will, he’s glad he didn’t even though, on sight of his older brother, there’s another knot added to the array of them already placed there these past few days. 

He sits opposite his brother who pushes the pizza slices around the plate, cutting them up and lifting them to his mouth before he sighs and drops each piece back to the plate. 

“You wanna talk about whatever’s eating you, man?” Jay prompts carefully. 

“Huh?” Will looks surprised that Jay’s there for a moment till he collects himself and shakes his head.

“Oka-.”

“You ever wonder why we’re doing it? Why anyone trusts what we’re doing? Why we’re more qualified than anyone else to do this?”

Jay opens his mouth to answer but Will cuts in again, continuing.

“I do, I wonder what the point is. Too much politics, too much BS, maybe Dad was right.”

“About what?” Jay asks, incredulous that his brother even voiced it.

“It's not worth it.”

“Did something go wrong today Will, patient die unexpectedly?” Jay probes.

Will shakes his head.

“Okay, didn’t Dad say he was proud? I know I am, I know I don’t say it but I am of you and what you do every single day, maybe Will, this is what I’ve been saying maybe you need to talk to someone.”

Jay says it gently, awaiting what he expects to be an explosion of emotion and denial, instead, Will bites at his bottom lip, fidgets with the paper napkin and slowly, almost imperceptibly he nods.

“Maybe.”

“You know, I think if you looked at your career Will, at the lives you saved, it’s more than worth it, compare it with mine even, it’s worth it, man, it is.”

If Will was present in this moment, if Will was anything similar or even remotely resembling the brother he always is, the conversation would turn into some kind of gentle outrage or perhaps full-throttle outrage on both their parts for the casual downplaying/dismissal of the importance of their careers. 

This Will? He chews at the pizza like it’s made of cardboard, he glances at his watch and at Jay’s words, he nods numbly and then pulls out his wallet, smacks down a couple of notes and then mutters something about how he has someplace to be.

Jay’s up and jumping off his stool and moving around to place a hand on his brother’s chest to stop him before he even thinks of doing it. 

“Woah, what _is_ with you? Will, look at me.”

He’s met with a gaze that’s the closest bit of real eye contact he thinks he’ll get from Will tonight. A gaze that looks right through him, looks desperate suddenly to be anywhere but here.

“It's okay, I’m okay, just one of those days yeah?”

Will cups Jay’s neck for a moment, offering him a smile that’s so false, so not Will Halstead that Jay wants to reach out and pull his brother back from where his mind’s already walked away and out of the door. 

Instead, as Will’s hand falls away, as the contact is broken and Will’s smile cracks before he turns away, picking up his jacket and moving for the door, Jay pulls him back toward him and envelops him in a hug, repeating over and over.

“Please talk to me or someone, anyone,“ then louder as Will pulls away muttering something about not wanting to be late, “before it’s too late.”

Jay’s never been good at feeling powerless. Even though it’s something he’s starting to feel frighteningly familiar with again wherever and whoever he cares about.

Even though as he looks at his cell and sees no calls or contact from Hailey and knows she should be at the district, even as she doesn’t respond and he finds Kev’s number and calls him knowing he’ll be there at least and when he is and when he hears what Kev tells him, everything is telling him nothing about tonight and what’s still to come will ever make that feeling go away anytime soon.

\- - - - - - 

It was always just a matter of time, time that was hastened by the deaths of Tyler, Gibbs, and Packer and how everything felt like it would be airbrushed away. 

Forgotten. Easier said than done when Darius Walker was the reason why her CI, Cam. because he _had_ a name and once upon a time he had a life, was no longer around.

Hailey has always had a sense of right and wrong even when human nature blurred the lines. She’s always been protective of those who don’t let her down, of those she has responsibility for, she’s always had control.

Till now, till these past days, weeks, months. 

Everything that happened to Jay was a distraction. She let herself be distracted by her own emotions, her own will to find something that mattered beyond the job, the job that had been her everything.

The job that cost her relationships but that had been okay, that had been fine because nothing and no one mattered more than making sure that she never blurred the lines. 

She sits in her car. So aware that if she opens the door, if she goes there, there’s no turning back, to anyone else it’s nothing other than a blurred line, for some, it’s a line she’ll cross that’s too far. There’s no do-over, there’s intent in every step she’ll take, every world she’ll say. 

Hailey thinks of Jay, it’s what makes her hesitate but then as she steadies her breathing, as she puts him out of her mind, it’s surprisingly, or perhaps not that surprisingly easy. 

Hailey rarely finds fear in doing what she considers to be right. Fear comes in the steps she’s taken with Jay. 

_This_ is a piece of cake, it’s the right thing. 

She thinks that even as she walks away after, even as she wonders if somewhere in Chicago right now Darius Walker’s heart is suddenly beating that bit faster. 

Then she walks around the corner and sees him, sees Jay and there’s something almost poetic about it. 

Something that feels like a circle has been completed. Something that’s so similar about them. 

And yet she’s never felt more distant.

“You following me?” 

Jay pushes away from his truck, “What the hell are you doing Hailey?” 

“It doesn’t concern you,” Hailey knows it’s a lie, knows it would’ve been a lie even if they weren’t something more than they’ve been recently, she’s unsurprised, perhaps a little relieved even when Jay calls her out on it.

“Yes, it does, Good or bad, right or wrong, you know it does.”

“Okay, I’m investigating the murder of three police officers,” she says it patiently to him like she’s talking to a stranger rather than Jay.

“We were told to stand down,” Jay’s voice rises, he’s angry, maybe he’s scared, maybe he needs to be for the both of them, “You were given a direct order by the Superintendent of Police, this could destroy your whole career or worse so yeah _this_ concerns me.”

Hailey knows this conversation would have happened regardless. If they weren’t what they’re trying to be, it doesn’t make it easier so Hailey digs deeper, to that place that’s not where she’s been. That place where she’d allowed her emotions to resurface, the place where everything’s doomed to not succeed anyway.

“I’m gonna figure out what the hell happened then I’m gonna take that case to Crawford and he can tell me to my face to stand down.”

Jay shakes his head, taking a step closer, sighing as he does and then reaching for Hailey’s hands.

Without even thinking, she steps backward, unable to miss the way Jay flinches, the way he purses his lips, opens his mouth to speak and then shuts it, doesn’t look at her for what feels like an eternity but is more likely to be a matter of seconds and then looks at her, really looks at her so intently, Hailey doesn’t think she could look away if she tried. 

“Twenty different times you have figured out a way to tell me ‘don’t get too close’, I’m telling you, you’re too close.”

She knows he means it, she would always know that he means it and she knows too that Jay’s right. Maybe. But even if he is it’s too late, she nods though because she wants him to realize that she’s listened.

She wants him to realize that no matter what, it’s okay. 

“I’m okay, Jay.”

He wants to believe her, maybe could’ve before all this and maybe she’s right that she is okay but at what cost.

To her, never mind him or them. 

Then she says “Go home, ‘kay?” and he wants to stop her, wants to remind her that her home or one of them anyway is with him, fearful that the moment she walks past him and away and back into her car, if he ever held a hope of believing her, it’ll evaporate the moment he can’t look her in the eye and hear her say it.

Fearful too that even if she did and even if he heard it again and again, even if he believed it, he’s still afraid that he’s losing her more with every second that passes, despite all they’d promised. 

He’s all too aware suddenly how little he knows, how little she’s revealed of her life, even the things he does know, it’s fragments of it and something has to give, something has to change. 

Except, not tonight evidently and he can’t stop her as she moves past him, her hand lingering on his arm, dragging down until she’s away and he reaches his hand to touch where hers had been, where he can still feel it. 

Never thought he could feel more powerless than he’d felt before, and yet here he is watching her walk away, watching her get in her car and drive off before he says out loud and into the darkness.

“I don’t believe you.”

\- - - - - - 

Sleep comes fitfully. Jay keeps waking, thinking maybe she’d let herself in. 

Hoping that she’d choose comfort, the familiarity they’d built and trust in him that he wouldn’t labor the point, not tonight. That they need each other, that all they’d promised was real and that Darius Walker of all people wouldn’t destroy them. 

The following day for the first time since he can’t quite place when they arrive at the 21st separately. The thermos sits where he left it in his truck, an attempt to claw back what’s been lost.

In the bullpen, she barely looks at him and when Platt comes upstairs as Jay’s stood by Kim’s desk and says they’ve got a call, he watches her back as she looks toward Platt and Voight and stands up calmly, studiously avoiding his scrutiny.

It’s quiet on the way there, Jay drives, occasionally glancing in the rearview mirror at Hailey who’s staring out the window while Voight looks straight ahead next to him. 

The moment Voight pushes the door open, the unmistakable smell of blood fills Jay’s senses, there’s a sea of police around what Jay figures is a pool table, there’s the flash of a camera from the CSI on scene that’s the only noise aside from the occasional murmurs of conversation as some officers take notes while others stare at the scene in front of them then as Voight walks in between some of them, Jay and Hailey following, they can see a dead rat with blood dripping onto the table and onto the body of Darius Walker.

Jay had seen the aftermath of torture numerous times in Afghanistan, mostly to local people but also to other soldiers, experienced it himself even there and even once here. He’s always known what evil, what imaginative ways one human can find to inflict pain and suffering on another. 

No matter how much evil and suffering another man has been responsible for, it's still something he never wants to see, never wants to get used to and yet it happens again and again.

Walker’s eyes are open in death, his mouth open too with an 8-ball placed crudely into it, he’s tied to corners of the table and there’s a bloodied knife lying next to his body.

Jay doesn’t look at her at first, he looks at his boss, looks at how his boss’s wordless stare is on Hailey.

Jay doesn’t know what he expects to see when he looks at Hailey, he’s unsurprised when she doesn’t look back at him though.

What he sees is someone he doesn’t recognize, someone almost devoid of emotion, if her eyes weren’t roving Walker’s body, he would think she’s someplace else. Aside from that, there’s no shock, not even a sign of any relief. 

Just someone who resembles Hailey and nothing more. 

Here in this room, it seems nonsensical to even think it given the scale of the aftermath of violence they’re seeing but it frightens him more than he can fathom or understand right now. 

\- - - - - - 

She’s aware of Jay and Voight’s attention all day, she responds as she normally would and to all intents and purposes, it’s just like any other day.

A day that Darius Walker, just like Cameron will never see. Whenever she thinks of this, there’s a quiet swell of satisfaction. 

There’s a nervousness too that even though she hadn’t held the knife, even though she hadn’t tied him to the table, worries her that somehow they’ll find her prints all over them.

As the day goes on, she grows less worried and by the end of it, she’s barely spoken to Jay or anyone and leaves quietly, knowing exactly where she wants to go, only vaguely surprised when the familiar truck follows her. 

She jumps out of the car, seeing the way he does the same and waits for him to reach her, he’s holding something which she recognizes as he gets closer.

“This is getting to be a habit, you following me I mean,” her tone is light, deceptively so and Jay doesn’t smile.

“I just gotta ask Hailey because if I don't, then it’ll come at the worst time.”

She doesn’t respond, she feels certain that she knows what he’ll ask her, it doesn’t make it easier when he does.

“You didn’t? You weren’t there, right?”

She shakes her head, takes a step closer to him and only nods when he steps back, she gets it, it doesn’t make it smart any less but she understands him. 

Always has.

“You didn’t seem that surprised.”

“I wasn’t because when you think about it, it's only a surprise it hadn’t happened sooner.”

They look at each other quietly, Hailey feeling like the ground is quicksand under her feet, the change in everything in just a few days, the change between them and the regret she feels despite the certainty that the world’s better and Chicago is safer without Darius Walker staining it. 

“Take this,” Jay breaks the silence and pushes the thermos he’d been hiding behind his back toward her, “Just in case you’re tired later and you don’t drink too much and just in case you need it and need some company, it’s still warm, maybe it’ll remind you that while everything may feel like it’s changed, I’m keeping my promise, you can’t get rid of me that easy and you can trust me, I’m here I want to help but I can only do that if you let me in, you _have_ to let me in Hailey, you have to let me know you.”

She takes the thermos from him silently and watches as he walks away, unscrews the cap and breathes in the aroma, lost in the nostalgia of only a few days past when everything felt so much less complicated.

He drives past her and she lifts up her free hand to wave just a fraction too late before she turns back, opening the car door and gently placing the thermos on the passenger seat before she slams the door shut, locks the car and walks toward the bar. 

For distraction, for some solitude and some peace that only a shot of alcohol feels like it can soothe right now.

As always Hank Voight has other plans. 

\- - - - - - 

Jay sits in silence, the ticking of the clock the only sound in his apartment, he looks down at his cell, hoping he’ll get a message.

Realizing that he won’t, trying to rationalize that it’s good if he doesn’t and it's okay if she doesn’t come here because at least at her apartment, there’s Rojas so she won’t be alone.

And perhaps it’ll mean a sleepless night for him, perhaps he’ll be alone again but he’s familiar with it and rather him than her, right? 

It’s gone 1 am when he gives up and goes to bed, it’s gone 2.30 am when he can’t sleep and decides there’s no hope of sleep tonight so he decides to shower.

His eyes are shut and his senses are concentrated so fully on cleansing the previous day from his mind, trying not to let his thoughts be overcome with long pushed-down memories of torture he’d witnessed, that he’d experienced himself, he doesn’t notice the shower curtain slide open, it's only when he goes to adjust the tap to be stronger that his hand meets something softer.

And his eyes fly open, she’s there in front of him, there’s a hint of the smell of alcohol and coffee which takes away the remnants of blood that’s been stuck in his senses for hours and as Jay blinks away the conditioner from his eyes, she looks up at him, her breathing heavy, her eyes filled with unshed tears. 

She’s not quite naked, she’s still wearing her underwear though it’s saturated with the shower water now but all he can see is her face, all he can hear are her words, hesitant, the way she doesn’t quite meet his eyes, the quiet desperation in her words all he can focus on.

“I know I should’ve called and I could’ve gone home but I didn’t want to wake Vanessa and I’m kinda selfish and I didn’t want to be alone, I can go though,” then louder and with a step away and towards the edge of the shower, “I should go.”

Jay doesn’t touch her aside from the way his fingertips lightly brush against her arm.

“Don’t,” he says gently, “Stay.”

She shifts her weight and looks back up at him.

“I don’t know what to do,” she says, “I don’t know if I’m doing it right.”

She looks away and perhaps Jay could ask questions but sometimes words will never be enough, words _will_ need to be said, he needs to know more about her, certain as he is that they're both broken pieces, just cut differently, but nothing they say at this time of the night will change a thing. 

Instead, he pulls her closer, hesitant at first in case she pushes away, in case the damage this past couple of days is irreparable. 

They embrace for a moment, taking comfort in the closeness of each other before they pull apart and Jay brushes his thumb against Hailey’s cheek, he thinks the moisture there could be the shower except it doesn’t matter though, it’s left unsaid really and they’ll agree later it was the shower water though they’ll both know. 

He feels Hailey’s hand on his lower back till it rests finally on his waist. 

All he hears is his own heartbeat, their breaths then it’s quick, It’s a simple movement as Hailey pulls him closer, until their bodies are practically one, wrapped in each other and it’s just them, in this small space, the water tumbling down and it’s just intimacy, it’s just comfort and that’s all they need right now. 

“It’s been a long few days but at least you’re here.”

“We,” corrects Hailey, “We.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I have so many plot bunnies in my head for this story. its hard to keep track of them all.
> 
> If you enjoyed it, consider pressing that button or leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply xx


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for 7x13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains vague references to Wednesday's ep though toward the end so beware of the tags. 
> 
> Thanks as always to all of you whether you read, leave comments or kudos or any combination of the above, so grateful xxx
> 
> As always, any errors etc are down to me. (update: I went and reread it today and made a few wee alterations)

**  
**The trouble with coping is that once you start to do it, once you learn how to do it, how to mask everything with a wisecrack, a smile or sheer avoidance, it’s hard to ever go back. **  
**

If you ever learned or had it in you in the first place to show your emotions, you soon learn how painful it can be, the cost can be so great. 

So you learn to cope instead. Jay learned to cope. You don't want that for them, this life of avoidance, of coping if it means feeling the way Jay does. 

Because once you’re good at it, once you crack it yourself, you see it in others all the time and you recognize that its a coping strategy for them too and you want to help them, you _really_ want to help them unlock that ability to _feel_ for a moment again because you know that the way you are is healthy for a minute perhaps but then it’s masking everything and that can’t last forever and you recognize that hiding it all, pretending it's all fine is killing you to start with but more importantly, it’s killing everything that had potential, _everything_ because you’re all so broken and broken people hurt each other sometimes without even knowing it. 

Broken people can exist but not to infinity, it can't work forever when they’re doing such a terrible job of dealing with the hurt.

Jay watches Hailey closely, prepared for the shock, prepared at any moment for a sign she’s coping as badly as he is at this pretense.

Almost hopes for the moment she’ll crack. 

Instead, it’s like the vulnerability they gave each other the smallest glimpse of in the shower, the tenderness and the intimacy, disappeared the moment Jay had turned the water off, the moment after he’d covered her hair in a towel and gently massaged the moisture from it, it’s as though when Hailey murmured her thank you, had given him the softest smile, her eyes filling with moisture she wasn’t hiding then having stepped out of the bathroom and into the bedroom, it's now over and he’s been left with this version of her that smiles at the right time, rolls her eyes at him at the moments she would’ve done before and that snuggles into him on the couch when it's late and they’re both bone-weary and too tired to make it to bed. 

He'd rather she yelled at him if it meant that he saw the real her again. He can try to talk to her about Darius Walker and all he can see is the tension in her immediately. 

He tries to fathom what’s going on when he sees the way Voight looks at her and the way she looks anywhere but at Jay or Voight when it's clear she's aware of them looking. 

Tries to understand that she may never be ready to talk except that leaves Jay in a place of loss even though she's still there. Trying to work out whether this is enough, whether he can live with this version of her forever.

 _Forever._ A word that shouldn’t exist in the vocabulary of anyone in Intelligence and yet here he is. 

Wrestling with the knowledge that who she is now is no different really to the Hailey before Darius Walker’s demise, it’s just he sees her in a clearer light.

It's just like when he tries to look at himself in the mirror now and finds his eyes darting away because once upon a time, he could bear to look _almost_ , now though all he sees back is someone who doesn't just cope anymore, every single day is an act of pretense. 

And maybe that’s what life is about, acting/pretending, he swears it never felt this complicated before though.

He walks out of the bathroom, along the corridor and is about to step into the bullpen when he hears them laughing, hears the familiar sound that now he knows her better feels so hollow like she's not just coping either.

Jay wheels away, his hand drawing upwards to cover his face, rub at it and try to stop this funk or whatever it is from overwhelming him, not quite able to understand why it’s suddenly so hard. 

He doesn’t realize he’s dropped down to a squat until he hears a quiet and concerned, “Jay, you ok man?” and he’s up so fast, he’s almost dizzy with the head rush of it all.

Kev’s hand hovers close to Jay’s shoulder, his expression soft and bewildered, unnerved too. 

“Jay? What do you need? I can get Upton or there’s me, you know I can help or at least try.” 

Kev's so sincere that it almost undoes Jay and he doesn't mean the sound that comes out of him to sound like this feeble awful attempt at a laugh that's more of a strangled sob, it's a loss of control that he’s trying to roll back from immediately, Jay the great pretender back in play in an instant.

“No bud” he pulls a smile he hopes is as close to real as he can find the energy to show, then with more ease, he squeezes Kev’s shoulder and walks away toward the bullpen, stopping only to turn back to Kevin and say, “I’m good, that right there was just me feeling the pain after that chase this morning, no need to worry anyone.”

It's a terrible weak lie and he only catches a glimpse of the way Kev’s expression changes from acceptance to open skepticism but he’s turned away before it can stay with him any longer then his smile only drops for a second, as he heaves a breath in and out and plasters on the smile again as he walks into the bullpen, careful to avoid eye contact.

Pretending once more with no clue in how long he can keep it going. 

\- - - - - 

Hailey stares down at the drink in front of her, lifts it up and holds it to her mouth ready to down the whole lot in one after the day she’s had.

They all had. The perp got released, even though they know, _everyone_ knows, most of all his attorney knows, there’s no way he’s not guilty.

Sometimes you have to take losses, knowing though that that prick would go out and just supply more weapons and maybe some drugs on the side to ruin more lives, it’s a little too hard to bear.

Even though it’s not over and tomorrow or in a few weeks, they can try again perhaps and just hope that not too many people die in the meantime.

It's a different bar each time lately, a way to outrun Hank Voight, maybe even Jay Halstead too. 

A chance to regroup before she inevitably finds herself opening the door to Jay’s apartment, sliding in bed next to him, watching as he feigns waking when she knows full well each day from his tired eyes that sleep still eludes him. 

Not that she does much better, she has to avoid certain bars, bars with pool tables. She never had and never will have sympathy for the devil that was Darius Walker but the mind can be a strange place where when she shuts her eyes, she thinks of that scene and her role in it.

Drinking, even just a little of it can dull her mind, provide some escapism and falling into Jay’s bed, hearing his breathing and telling herself that it's all going to be okay can help too. 

It usually does that is but tonight the alcohol tastes sour and even the quiet murmur of voices in the bar is too loud so she places the money on the top of the bar in front of her and walks away, the drink barely touched.

A perk of barely drinking is she can drive without any worries so she gets back into her car, wrapping her fingers around the top of the steering wheel, she grips hard, her knuckles whitening as he does and she screws her eyes shut and growls in frustration at _what_ she doesn’t know.

Its growling or screaming that she knows are the only things that could help right now and growling scares fewer people, brings less attention. 

Hailey drives for an hour, maybe two, nowhere in particular, just around. She fiddles with the controls on the radio but everything’s too loud, everything reminds her of something. People, places, emotions. Everything she _doesn’t_ want to be reminded of.

Eventually, she gets home, opens the door with her key and walks in. It’s dark, it’s quiet. She walks to the bedroom, pushing the door open and walks to the bed.

Her bed she’s not slept in for what feels like an age. There was no intent in coming here rather than going to Jay’s. She just found herself here and now she _is_ here, she’s relieved because she can be herself, be alone.

Though the silence is deafening too and she walks to the kitchen, to the unit next to the fridge where she always keeps a bottle just in case. She considers pulling a glass from one of the cupboards, she considers drinking it straight out of the bottle and she considers smashing the whole damn bottle against the wall too.

“Hailey?” 

She almost drops the bottle instead as she whirls around, how did she forget about Rojas?

Rojas who looks a combination of tired, half-asleep and concerned. 

“Sorry, I should’ve said I was coming home, I didn’t realize I was here till I was here.”

Vanessa waves her apology away, “This is _your_ place Hailey, you don’t have to apologize to me, you could come at 4am in the morning and make enough noise to wake the whole city up and you still wouldn’t have to be sorry to me as it’s your place and you’ve been so good to let me stay,” 

Vanessa takes a step closer, the expression on her face familiar, she's scrutinizing Hailey but not like Jay does, nor Voight for that matter.

“You told Jay where you are? The man worries, and I know somewhere in that brain of yours, you’re worried about him too.”

“I’ll message him.”

“Ok, you know all I remember from the worst experiences as a kid is that no good ever comes from drinking alone when you’re in the headspace you’re in so even though I can’t stand whiskey, get me a glass and we can sit together quietly or we can talk, whatever it is you need, I just don’t want you to be here drinking alone.”

Hailey nods, glances down at the bottle and then up at the clock on the wall, mentally calculates and then sets the bottle down.

“How about coffee instead? Gotta pick up Jay in the morning.”

“Okay but make mine a decaffeinated one.”

Hailey holds a thumb up in acknowledgment.

“Oh and message Jay before he tears up the city looking for you.”

When Rojas says that, it’s tempting to simply smile and do just that, message Jay, she thinks of him lying in bed if he’s got there, if he’s not on the couch staring at the space beside him, trying not to let thoughts overwhelm him, trying to figure out a way to sleep tonight particularly if it’s without her.

She knows this because it’s her thoughts right now and Vanessa’s here sure but there’s the pull that almost drags her from here, that almost has her running for the door, running to him.

There’s a stronger pull though, a stronger feeling that’s halfway between fear and denial. A certainty that if she was to go there tonight, they’re an unexploded bomb waiting to cast its damage irrevocably on them both and ruin everything. 

She pulls out her phone instead, messages him, turns it off again immediately because she doesn’t need the questions tonight, hopes even if she hurts him tonight, it’s better than being there and hurting him in all ways and she forces a smile for Vanessa and pulls the coffee sachets from the cupboard.

And tries to think of anyone and anything but Jay. 

\- - - - - 

Jay’s come close to watching himself as he fades away before. That was when he was shot, it was in Afghanistan too when he was tortured and then the other time here in this city when it happened again. 

At least he was out of it enough to not notice.

Sometimes when his dad found out he’d got in a fight at school or not come first in a race, he felt the same sort of feeling when your legs feel like jelly and there’s this sudden pit in your stomach and you wonder how you’re still standing up. He had gotten to know that feeling too well. 

He’s come close to that feeling in adulthood when that child died of him firing his gun, bad luck or not, when Marcus West died and when Angela told him the truth, when his dad died and every single time he’s tried to be there for Will and messed up the chance to say it right. 

When Erin walked away, when Mouse did too, when message after message was left unanswered.

When Hailey was part of his life but now he’s watching like some bystander, his legs heavy but feeling like they’re made of water as if he just stepped out of a swimming pool after too long and he can barely walk and he’s trying to find words but every word is foreign to him.

Every word makes it no further than the tip of his tongue and instead, he just keeps staring at her.

It’s been days since she spent the night away, just one night out of how many? Too many almost to count but everything feels like there’s an insurmountable distance growing. 

They’re in his truck, outside the restaurant they’d sat in silence eating a too expensive meal at when every single bite felt like he was chewing forever.

Hailey and Jay used to talk and the one who was silent used to listen. They talk _now_ , they’ve talked about more important things than Jay ever thought he’d talk about again. 

And yet that ability to be honest, that lack of filter they used to have. It’s gone these days, replaced by what’s like a protective veneer that's like thin ice Jay feels like they're skating on constantly, that’s even more dangerous than honest blunt concerned words.

“What are we doing Hailey?” he asks, sending a quick glance her way before he turns his attention back to outside the truck, too late he realizes exactly what she’ll say.

“We’re sitting in a car having eaten great food in a fancy restaurant,” then quickly, quietly, “Sorry.”

Jay’s deliberate with his tone and if that ain’t something that screams out to him too then he’s really dumb, it _does_ scream out to him though.

“I would have laughed at that not that long ago, rolled my eyes and we’d have been exchanging some dumb-ass joke perhaps, how did we get so serious so fast?”

She opens her mouth but then stops before she shifts slightly in her seat, turning and pulling her legs underneath to fully look at Jay.

“Okay but instead of searching in the past for when it changed, how about looking ahead to now for what we can change?”

“Sounds good in theory,” he pauses, his hand fiddles with a loose thread at the bottom of his jacket before he continues, looking at Hailey daring her to break the eye contact first, almost certain he will instead though, “I still trust you that’s not changed but I’m realizing I’m trusting this half version of you, I don’t know anything about you, nothing about your family, nothing that’s not work-related, god Hailey I don’t even know how you were meritoriously promoted except maybe I could guess its to do with Booth. I don’t know exactly what happened with Darius Walker and you know what I keep coming up with answers to all those questions myself and none of the answers give me any hope for us that we can last or even get going enough to do anything but suffer through what we should be enjoying.”

“And what if you don’t like the version of me that I tell you about?”

“I’m fairly sure that I’ll like any version of you that’s you telling me about it rather than me filling in all the blanks.”

“Fairly?” Hailey questions with a frown.

“It’s been upgraded from a pretty to a fairly,” Jay tries with a small smile, crossing the fingers on the hand closest to the door as he does.

“Well, I would challenge that and say pretty is more sure than fairly.” She returns the smile and even if it's just temporary, the change in temperature, the release in tension in the truck is such a relief. 

“Oh really?”

“Yes really, and I can’t believe this is our first fight and it’s over semantics.”

“This is our first fight? What about before Dar-,” Jay cuts himself off, looks away and then back to Hailey, “Yeah, it’s definitely a first fight to be proud of.”

“So, are you fairly sure or pretty sure that I love you, Jay Halstead?” 

He doesn’t have to look at her to know she’s teasing him but he does anyway, she’s smiling on the surface at least and maybe if you dug deeper, it’d be clear to see that’s where it stays and just scratch at it a tiny bit and it’d all fall apart. 

He’s fairly, no okay, pretty damn sure that he’s the same, he’s also pretty damn sure that nothing is changed except a sliver of honesty on his part but it’s still more than when they stepped out of the restaurant.

Anything at this stage, even something this small, he’ll take as a win. 

\- - - - - 

“Will, it’s literally just a scratch.”

“Rule of thumb Jay, if it requires stitches it’s more than just a scratch, now let the nice nurse finish them and then I can drive your trouble-attracting ass home.”

“What? Hailey can take me home or more appropriately back to the 21st,” Jay protests looking eagerly for her, from the bed he’s perched on, beyond the exam room he’s in currently then frowning disconsolately when he fails to find any sign of her. 

“She went back to the 21st to interrogate the guy who scratched you,” Will accompanies the final two words with air quotes before continuing, “and I said I’d make sure you got home, not the 21st, home, H-O-M-E, in one piece.”

Jay shakes his head, flinching at the needle despite himself and trying to think of anything except the feeling as the needle closes the ‘scratch’ on the underside of his arm where he’d defended himself from the knife that had been aimed at his neck.

“Hey, hey, focus on me, Jay.”

Jay does, grateful that his brother remembered his fear of needles and he focuses on Will, it’s almost as unnerving as the needle. 

“You look like shit, when was the last time you slept?”

Will shakes his head, “I can leave you alone with the nurse and get her to use the biggest needle if you carry on being an asshole.”

“Not being an asshole man, when was the last time you slept?” Jay repeats the question patiently, gently like Will’s the patient, not his trouble magnet brother who will probably be single-handedly responsible for Will turning gray early.

Will’s saved from responding by the nurse declaring, ”And that’s you all done Detective, I take it Dr. Halstead will tell you what to do over the coming days for the dressing.”

Will nods and both brothers thank the nurse as she leaves, casting a smile in their direction before she disappears out of sight and it’s just Jay and Will staring at each other.

“You haven’t answered my question.”

Will purses his lips then sighs before meeting his brother’s insistent stare, “Let me drive you home and we’ll talk.”

Jay jumps off the examining bed and slaps his brother’s back lightly, “Deal, though you got a funny way of saying 21st precinct but okay.”

It's a good job Jay can’t mind-read him, Will thinks given all the curse words he’d use to describe his brother this minute. 

Predictably Will dodges the topic and Jay’s repeated questions all the way back to the 21st which he hoped by agreeing to drive to without argument would save him the third degree.

Hope’s always the last thing to die but when he brings the car to a stop, it evaporates fast as Jay grabs the keys from his brother, central locks the car and keeps a firm grip on them so neither of them can get out unless Jay presses the button or Will wants to vandalize his own car.

“So why are you looking like crap? Nat bugging you? That patient who died, is that still on your mind because I’m sure you could get cou-.”

“It’s a lot of things, Jay, it's okay, I’m okay, just need to get through this period, we all go through it from time to time right?” He says it pointedly but without any heat in his tone.

Jay’s silent for a moment, he hadn’t expected Will to say anything or admit anything and it's non-specific anyway what Will says, in reality, Jay’s no further forward in helping Will but its way more than he’d hoped for.

“We do, but a lot of people don’t have stress like you do, a lot of people don’t have trouble magnet brothers and consciences that mean they take on the world’s problems before they worry about their own.”

“I guess though let’s be real Jay, you could be talking about yourself there and you know what, take a look in the mirror later, you’ll see that you look like shit too.”

“Thanks, man,” Jay replies drily, “Just, well, you know this is typical of you, avoidance and I know I’m hearing you say it your head loud and clear that it’s the height of irony but that means I _know_ so what I'm saying loud and clear is that I just want you to know is I’m here and even if it’s complicated there’s nothing that two brothers can’t figure a way out of together right?”

Will's silent until his mouth changes to the shape of an O and then his eyes narrow, “Oh my god, you didn’t just quote what I said to you when we were kids and you smashed the window with a baseball?”

Jay nods and then as Will chokes out a laugh, then shakes his head smiling at the memory, Jay reaches out his hand to his brother, squeezing his shoulder.

“It may be a trip down memory lane, and it may make you smile but I keep saying it and I stand by the delayed reaction to stuff I think you’re going through, the need I think you have in you to make everything right for others that’s not right for you, I get it, Will, I _really_ get it but you got to realize and I hope you do that you have to think of you in all of this, please? It's okay to be afraid of whatever, it’s okay to tell me whatever’s messed up in your mind, it’s okay to let go of whatever it is that’s complicated just to focus on you and it’s okay to admit you need someone even if that’s someone’s just me, alright?” 

Jay waits for what seems inevitable, what’s happened before whenever they’ve had this conversation, the defensiveness on both their parts and the fear in admitting that he’s not okay. 

The reproach that normally follows, the accusation and the ‘well, you’re no better’ and Jay will keep going until Will sees it for the genuine worry Jay has about him. 

“I hear you and for the record, you're never a 'just me' y'know?”

The smile Will offers almost reassures Jay, except he’s all too aware of the tiredness in Will’s voice, the eagerness to be able to drive away and kid himself perhaps that now Jay’s talked to him and Will’s listened which Jay’s certain he has to be fair to Will and the feeling that maybe even if they aren’t back at square one the moment Will drives away, they’re as far back at square one and a half.

Once again it’s both a blessing and a curse that he knows what it’s like to be bombarded with all the complications that seem to visit upon them all too frequently. 

“You should go and I need to get back.”

Jay nods without saying a word, reaches across to his brother and draws him into a hug which they both cling onto before they pull away looking anywhere but at each other then it's just a few short moments later and Will drives away leaving Jay to hope that something filtered through this time at least.

\- - - - - 

Life has a horrific way of reminding you of the most important things in the worst possible ways.

Jay’s alone when he gets the message, he could’ve stayed, the timing of the message comes just after he left so there’s no reason why he couldn’t stay just a little longer. 

What was the alternative though? Watch the people that you love, that are like family to you, fall apart and feel that pain? He's already seen too much of that for a man his age. 

He’s starting to wonder why any of them stay in this unit? What’s the point in believing in good, trying to make good things happen when all this happens to them. 

If you just looked at the last year alone, it’s a trail of shattered hopes, broken lives that somehow they all manage to stumble around blindly and overcome in tiny ways but the current feels stronger than ever against them. Go even farther back, and it gets even sorrier.

And Jay’s just that bit more tired of fighting against it. 

He gets home somehow, can’t remember the drive home, feels this urge to head back to the hospital to try and see how he can help. Acutely aware that unless he can invent a time machine in a matter of minutes, there’s nothing he can do to help except be there when it counts. He’s already failed the first hurdle where that’s concerned, and then failed it some more by not going back for Hailey. 

Jay sits in darkness at the end of his bed, thinking of Kim and Adam, of the sonogram pic and the excitement in Adam, the conversation they’d had not that long ago, just before Darius Walker.

Wonders what kind of sick joke whoever in this universe ordains these things to happen has in store for them next. 

He hears the door open and close and the footsteps near the bedroom and then come into it before they stop and he feels the bed shift slightly and their knees brush against each other. 

“How’s everyone?”

“You know, dealing in our own kind of ways,” Hailey sighs then clears her throat, “Okay, I’ve got 2 brothers, and a cat called Socrates but I called him socs for short, Socs lives with the brother I still talk to cause having pets and being a cop, not a good thing.”

She laughs, it’s a shaky fragile sound and then she says nothing else for minutes, Jay feels her fidget like she’s trying to find a way of articulating and saying what she wants to.

“Ah, you know what I had this big speech in my head, I was going to tell you everything, turns out it’s harder than I thought.”

It goes against everything that Jay feels tonight, this sudden need, an urgency to feel better, be better, be happier, to know Hailey better, to understand her and give whatever this whole thing is a real go, to bring WIll through what sometimes feels like it threatens to take him away from Jay and to somehow find a way to break through this fog and this endless circle of nightmares and trauma in his own head that feels like it’s stuck there forever because if things can go so badly for people like Adam and Kim, then what chance do the rest of them have? 

How long do they even have before it all bursts into flames and takes them with it? 

Instead, he pulls her into him and she wraps her arms around his chest and he shuts his eyes, tries to fight against the sting of tears that suddenly threaten to overwhelm him, chews at his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood and it works, stops the tears.

“It's okay, take your time, we have all the time in the world.”

And there he is again, _pretending._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. 
> 
> If you enjoyed this chapter/the story so far, please consider pressing that button or leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply xx


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AU very much here as Hailey starts to reveal a little. Please be aware that while it doesn't go into any explicit detail, there's a clear inference and reference to what Hailey's alluded to before re domestic violence in her family's and her own past. 
> 
> POVs switch too here and the aftermath of the case referred to is my idea. 
> 
> Any mistakes, errors down to me as always (if anyone would be up for doing read-throughs before I post/kind of a beta -- let me know in the comments) and thanks as always for reading and supporting this xx

Hailey’s always played everything close to her chest never mind since she first put on the vest she’s worn since she was a cop. 

Not that anyone around her could’ve known. 

As a kid, she would bet that no one around her could’ve known what life was sometimes like at home. She had friends, she even would say everything was normal until her father discovered drink can be the finest anesthesia around.

Numbing all of the pain or more like diverting the pain to his wife and then when that didn't work well enough then to his kids too. 

Pain that’s meant forming relationships for Hailey, romantic ones at least. Normal romantic relationships can be hard. And it’s hard enough when you’re a cop, harder still when you’re an Upton. 

Trusting someone enough to tell your story to, it always feels like it's giving too much of herself. Opening a door that she’s had firmly shut with no wish to go back to even though every day in her head, there’s a little part of it that gets replayed.

The one time she’d revealed anything had been a failure, an attempt to get what they needed, an attempt to draw some kind of honesty from Devin by sharing what she’d lived through and look how that turned out. 

Even after, when she’d told Adam a tiny portion of her truth it had felt like too much and she probably could’ve avoided it had he not heard her talking to Devin, had she not reacted to Adam's small burst of temper in the way she had. 

For the longest time, she convinced herself that the way she'd built her relationship with Jay was the sensible way avoiding any talk of herself so she could avoid the memories of the past by focusing on Jay’s instead and how she could help him. 

Use all that she’d learned through sheer bloody-mindedness and a determination eventually to not let it all overcome her. 

Jay’s never been like anyone else. Garret was different too. Really there’s no way you could compare the two men and she’s learned not to compare anyone because _every_ single person reacts differently to their experiences, even if that experience is born from a similar or even the same environment. 

Hailey and her family are the embodiment of the same household dealing with it all so differently. 

Simply, every single person reacts differently to shared memories, the past and the skeletons in their own closet, never mind those of the person they say they love.

As she’d sat there on the edge of the bed with Jay last night feeling like if she kicked the lock away from the place where she’d buried the memories.,if she actually started to say something she _could_ regret it forever and then she’d started speaking and it had felt fine for a moment, it felt like someone had pulled the weight from her shoulders.

It lasted all of a minute then the heaviness had returned and robbed her of the ability to say a single thing except to apologize. 

Today it’s been like every single time she exhales, she’s on the verge. She knows once again what she wants to say, she even types a little into the notes function on her cell telling herself if she didn’t then somehow the memories would disappear, the facts that are so much part of her, her history as if she tried hard enough she could forget it.

The thing is if it _was_ going to happen and if she was really that lucky it would have happened before now and yet here she is trying to summon better memories, less painful facts about her, trying to be as matter-of-fact as possible. 

_“It's okay Jay, my dad ran a diner and Trudy Platt, Yes Trudy Platt the one and the same started everything and the process that ultimately led here though I still tried to satisfy dad and studied Law before I was suddenly free again and hey that’s my story, that’s how I ended up here.”_

It’s almost verbatim in her head now, she’s sure she could reel it off to him. Add to that Jay already knows they moved areas when she was eleven, it _should_ be so easy. 

Except why would she ever think it would be easy to say when just even thinking about it makes her want to erase every memory she’s ever held even if it meant losing Jay?

Dramatic perhaps, truth definitely. 

She hears the door to the truck slam shut in the parking lot of the 21st and she startles slightly and there’s a hand on her arm and the most concerned and gentle expression on his face and she really doesn’t ever want to lose this.

“A penny for those thoughts,” he says, a smile curving the corners of his mouth then as she struggles to return the smile, his eyes widen, the concern back in place and his voice is immediately quieter and softer as he adds, “Hey Upton, in case you need the reminder I meant what I said. I meant _every_ word I said.”

She believes him, even if everything’s telling her it's just because she needs to right now.

\- - - - - 

Jay’s hungry and tired. Cold and still feels dirty. 

Every offer of ‘We’ll call if there’s news - just go get yourself cleaned up properly’ he refuses. Instead, his eyes stay fixed on the double doors, thoughts only of what’s going on beyond them.

Right now he’s a man who can’t be reached unless you happen to be the person opening those doors, walking down the corridor and telling him what everyone would consider right now to be unlikely good news.

A corridor that’s just like every other corridor except the last one he’d been in had led to only bad news for Kim and Adam.

He’s lost track of time and thinks that can only be a few days ago if that, this latest case not giving them an ounce of relief.

Jay’s aware of the quiet hum of conversation around him, the glances his way and once in a while, he feels a light touch on his back which he tenses at and that’s as much response as he can muster for now. 

As the night continues, as it gets later, the waiting area gets quieter, it feels colder still and maybe he should get a shower, clean up properly, wipe the blood from his fingernails and clean the cuts that are scattered across the parts of his body he can see, the ones he can’t. Submit to help he knows they’ll give him readily. 

He’d made a promise though and this time, there’s nothing that could stop him carrying out that promise. If he can’t be there in the room itself, he’ll stay here for as long as he can. 

Jay’s brain replays the events of the last however many hours over and over as he waits. Looking for a flaw in what he did, what they all did, for once he comes up empty. They’d gone in as quickly as they had an ‘in’. All that was needed then was patience.

They’d had that too and yet it still ended like this. 

He’s so wrapped up in the memories, so lost in his recall of events while he continues his unwavering attention to the double doors that he doesn’t notice immediately. 

It’s a message alert on someone’s cell that brings him back and as he looks up from where he hadn’t realized he was hunched over, his elbows resting on his knees as his hands cover the lower part of his face, his unwavering attention not so unwavering, he sees another pair of sneakers and he looks to his right.

There’s that familiar expression, that familiar warmth that he allows to melt into him a little. Just for a moment. 

There’s a graze on her cheek and light bruising around her nose and eye. 

“How long you been here?” He asks, the words immediately followed by a cough and a reminder of how sore his throat is, the aftereffect of the hours he’d endured in the cold and the yelling, the screaming for the ambo.

Hailey offers a small smile of sympathy then produces a bottle of water from next to her and unscrews the cap, pushing it towards Jay.

“Little while,” she answers and then though it looks like she wants to say more, she doesn’t, instead, she takes the cap away completely and pushes the bottle closer to Jay who’s about to take it when he sees movement out of the corner of his eye and then the double doors open and he sits up straighter watching as Jack’s parents meet the doctor halfway, still just within Jay and Hailey’s eye lines. 

Jay shuts his eyes so briefly, sending up a prayer to what or who he’s not sure and nor does he care as long as someone hears it, he just needs it all to have been worthwhile.

His eyes focus on Jack’s mom at first then onto his dad, his dad who’d been stoic throughout the ordeal, who was a Ranger too, who reminds Jay of multiple people within his unit and who’s now falling apart in front of Jay’s eyes. 

And maybe Jay is a little bit too because he’s convinced it wasn’t worth it, right up to the moment something changes.

The moment he thinks he hears, “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” in-between sobs of relief and sobs of what he realizes is joy. 

Jay looks at Hailey quickly who looks as disbelieving, as afraid to believe maybe, as Jay feels. She nods at him and he breathes in and out, long, slow for what feels like the first time in forever. 

He wants to stand, wants to go to them, wants to have it confirmed that it was all worthwhile, that they made the right choices this time around but he doesn’t trust that his legs would carry him, doesn’t trust that his voice wouldn’t break and not just with the overuse earlier but with the emotion, this case had brought him so close to.

Then he hears footsteps and her voice that in and amongst everything else, in this case, that had brought memory upon memory back to him, he thinks if he just shut his eyes, he could almost imagine it was his mother talking to him.

“Detectives?”

He stands up, sways slightly and feels the hand support his elbow then he looks at her, she looks exhausted and yet it's like since the doctor spoke to her and her husband, the years have fallen away from her.

Relief is the only thing he sees in her now.

She steps forward and reaches out to Jay and he reaches right back. 

“He’s gonna be okay. You said he would be and he is and I want you to come and see him,” then she pauses and she turns Jay’s right hand over gently, “But not till you get seen to, okay, and you too Detective.” She adds looking at Hailey. 

“I’m o-.” Jay starts.

She smiles, shakes her head fondly. 

“You know a mother always knows and I know you’re not quite okay so please go, maybe sleep a little too, _both_ of you and we’ll be here, thanks to you both and your team, we’ll _all_ be here.”

“Jen?” 

She keeps hold of Jay’s hand even as she turns back toward the voice, even as her husband’s voice quivers with emotion and he shouts, “He’s awake, he’s asking for you.”

Jen doesn’t even start to pull away, instead, she turns back to Jay and Hailey.

“Well, what are you waiting for? He’ll be asking for you both soon,” Jen chides them gently then with a final squeeze, she lets go and walks back toward her husband, toward Jack.

Jay watches them even when they’re out of sight, he’s still looking, still waiting when another hand reaches for his, squeezes it lightly and then pulls him away.

“Come on Jay, sooner we get cleaned up, the sooner we get back.”

\- - - - - 

Sleep is fleeting, something of a lost cause for them both, still wired from the events of earlier.

Cuts and bruises adorn Jay’s hands, his arms, and his torso but it’s all minor, nothing lasting. Hailey’s injuries end where they can be seen when she’s fully clothed.

Just small traces for both of them of what happened.

Mentally it’s harder. Jay’s been doing his best to stay closer to the line rather than overstepping it than normal. Not making reckless choices that endanger anyone else.

He’s second-guessing everything and this time it went fine, cuts and bruises the norm really when you’re dealing with the type of people that abduct a twelve-year-old boy and you spend hours doing everything you can to ensure the kid makes it out of there alive. 

Making sure he gets home to his brother. 

Next time? He’s too weary to even think about it, to even consider the energy it will take. 

They walk along the corridor together, in-step with each other till Jay starts to slow, almost turns back around and away from here. 

Hailey gently pulls his hand and it's easier then as she pushes open the door.

All Jay can focus on is Jack in the bed, alive, asleep, no wires or medical equipment except a cannula and a drip, covered in bruises and scarred by wounds inside that only someone far better qualified than Jay could ever hope to help.

He’s so lost in focusing on the miracle that is Jack, _breathing_ , that he forgets about Mason until he hears Hailey say, “Jay,” and then he turns to face her and stood next to her, Jack’s older brother. 

Red haired, tall, awkward. 

“You okay?” Jay asks.

Mason looks from his brother on the bed and back to Jay and then toward his parents but his dad’s back to his glacial self, the person they’d encountered just over a day ago. The stoicism if you were to be charitable and call it that firmly back in place and screw the cost on his eldest child.

Screw whatever it’ll do to his youngest. 

Jay takes a step forward and reaches for Mason before he can stop himself, pulling him in and probably giving him the one thing Ray will never give to him.

Maybe the thing Pat Halstead never gave to Will or Jay. 

Comfort. 

It's just the hair thing both boys have in common with Jay and Will. He’s been telling himself this since he first felt the butterflies in his stomach and the lump in his throat that’s still there now, perhaps even more prominent in this room now. Anything else Jay thinks is probably projection and that’s what pulls him away. 

Even as Mason looks so crushed, even as Mason mumbles, “Thank you for bringing him back to me like you promised,” and Jay just wants to pull him closer again and tell him they’ll be fine, just please both of you stick together no matter what. 

Jay’s got a lifetime of regret already stacked in that brain of his though, all for interfering where he shouldn’t have done. It had almost cost him everything. 

Jay has to trust that the kids will be okay and that even if he tried, you can’t and shouldn’t mess with what life has in store for them. 

And maybe they _are_ the same and maybe their tales will mirror everything Jay and Will have lived through and maybe it’s not Jay’s place to change any of that.

Maybe all he can do that’s best for them is walk away and hope he doesn’t encounter either of them again because a life lived where this is your only encounter with the police, with a hospital bed isn’t perfect but it’s better than for some. 

Even if walking away right now with Mason’s stare burning what feels like a hole through his back is the hardest thing he thinks he’ll do all year. 

He knows within hours he’ll be able to consign it, compartmentalize it to another place where he stores these thoughts, the place he hopes he never revisits because revisiting brings too many questions, too many what if’s. 

It’s for the best, even if it feels like the worst, even if he’s getting worse by the day it seems sometimes at forgetting what he wants to try to never remember again. 

Even if he wonders if his brain will ever stop trying to play this broken record that repeats in his head every single day without fail. 

\- - - - - 

The first instinct Hailey had was to be home and there’d been a tiny bit of her that wanted to be alone. To not go there. Wherever ‘there’ would take her. 

That she’d found herself suggesting this tiny little restaurant theyre in now had been a surprise and that's putting it mildly. This little restaurant she first went to after a promise she’d made to herself when and if she ever completed her first week at university it would be her reward./p>

Jay seemed as reluctant as her at first, tiredness evident in everything about him, weary in a way only ever brought about by a tough case. Too much that struck a chord in him, something she suspects he’ll need to revisit at some point perhaps. 

Just like so much else. 

The other choice in both their minds had been to go back to the 21st to write up the events they weren't quite ready to write up.

Now they're here sat down in a corner of the restaurant that was close to empty as it was only a few minutes before it closed, where the tables were illuminated by fairy lights on the walls and candles on the table and a menu that neither of them has even looked at yet.

Maybe they’d only order drinks, maybe not even drinks, it didn’t even matter and no one came to them, no one pressured them it was like they sensed all they wanted was a place that was removed from home, all Hailey needed was somewhere that felt safe, that was familiar and it was like the anxiety disappeared and all that mattered was talking.

And not reciting the speech she’d prepared in her mind and on her cell either.

“I was the middle kid. Middle kids have it rough I guess, we’re not the one who was special enough to be the first, the one that was so welcome and so perfect except I was the youngest for a little fraction of a moment but never long enough to know what it felt like because then my little brother came along and mom and dad struggled so hard with 3 kids or not mom so much, more dad, the pressure of earning the money.”

Hailey picks up a napkin, her fingers pulling on a loose thread in the corner.

“I figured it out pretty early on that my place in the family was to be the glue, the one that made it all seem okay, the one that was too young to be the cleverest, too old to be the baby. I just helped as much as I could with everything so mom could work a little too. I used to make food for the diner even when I was trying to study in high school. After we got robbed, after dad got hurt I tried to get the boys to help but Alec was studying for his finals and Nick was the youngest and there was no way they were going to risk him being there if it happened again so I did it all, it wasn’t easy but then nothing was easy for my parents.”

“Your dad, you said he struggled, _how_?” 

Hailey doesn’t look up to meet Jay’s eyes because she knows the minute she does, she won’t even need to answer. 

Trust Jay to get to the root of it, trust him to see past all the words, _all_ the words even though everything she’s said is the truth, everything she’s said was hard but it’s nothing compared to the worst days. 

If Hailey shut her eyes right now, she could be back in the old days, here still but in a different time having completed that first week in university, staying here till it was shut, avoiding going home to her parents and seeing her younger brother, she can feel the bubbling resentment so strongly as if she looked up right now, she wouldn’t be surprised if no one was sat opposite her, as if it could somehow be that Autumn day again.

“You know I used to rationalize everything as dad being just a little angry, tired and no wonder he needed to lash out at us cause all that stress keeping a roof above our heads would do that to you.”

She shakes her head, folding the napkin into a pattern before she pauses, doesn’t look up and continues.

“At that moment, in those times you believe what they say, you try not to be too loud, you get really good at hiding the physical side of it, you wear long sleeves when it’s warm, you get really good at practicing using concealer and that’s why you don’t mind doing all those hours to help your parents because then you can afford better concealer,” she stops to fold the bottom point of the napkin nearly to the top and folds it back onto itself then quickly she turns the napkin over, tucking one side into the other.

Hailey’s hands hover over the napkin and for the briefest of moments she catches Jay’s eye, long enough to see him nod, a sign he’s listening, quiet encouragement and reassurance. 

“You know at first it was the 3 of us as well as mom and we used to protect each other or if we couldn’t do that then we’d at least be there to make the aftermath a little less horrible then Alec, he got older and mom stopped fighting like she once did and it was just me and Nick and I couldn’t stop protecting him y’ know? I just couldn’t.”

Hailey lets out a heavy sigh, shuts her eyes and drops the napkin to the table.>

“Ever crashed so low, ever felt so alone because you didn’t think anyone was paying attention? Ever gone without the concealer in the hope that somehow takes away their blindfolds long enough that they’ll see and that if they see, they’ll be brave enough to ask, do something about it?”

Ever wanted to keep asking those types of questions until there are none left to ask anymore she thinks just so it's all out of your head, ever know full well that someone like Jay even if he’s not lived the same experiences, she knows he knows what low looks like from lying at the very bottom of a well and staring up thinking you’ll never make it out of there. 

And maybe that’s why _everything_ feels different with him, why she can look at him and not feel afraid that he'll be unaware of what it's like. 

She knows even before she started to speak that he would get it and he does and that means he won’t push until if that day comes that she's ready to talk some more, even if it doesn't come and even if this is all she ever says, he’s still here. 

And when she sees the small almost imperceptible nod but nothing else at first, just this comfort that’s invisible, this comfort she draws in from the way he looks at her, the way he doesn’t look away before he leans forward slightly, reaches out his hand for hers and she reaches back accepting the comfort he offers, and asks her gently, without any pressure, “You wanna get out of here?”. And of course she does, she wants to crawl or more likely run away from every single memory that comes from being in this restaurant, that comes from talking about it all and its crazy to think that even with that thought and even as there's the inevitable comedown to come from sharing memories she wishes she didn't have, maybe somehow she's never felt safer. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope that was okay. I was going to write more at the end but sometimes less is more maybe I dunno. :s ps. if we ever get to hear the names of her family members I may change them here.
> 
> If you enjoyed it, consider pressing that button or leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply xx


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for a long gap - my writing brain went awol for several days. 
> 
> Thanks for continuing to be lovely and supportive. 
> 
> Any mistakes are down to me as always (if anyone would be willing to beta or not quite a full beta but you know similar-ish, please let me know) x

“You look a little less tired.”

Will holds his fork in mid-air at Jay’s observation just for a second before he eats the piece of steak, chewing it deliberately slowly and then lowering the fork to the plate, he finally responds or rather retorts.

“Well, I’m glad one of us does.”

Jay’s eyebrows lift slightly before he yawns almost as if on cue and shakes his head at the timing of the yawn.

“Yeah, well, it’s been a rough few days.”

“Just a few days?” Will replies, skepticism writ large across his features. 

Jay’s lips quirk into a half-smile. 

“Yeah, okay, maybe that’s an understatement but anyway nice attempt Doctor Distraction, my original point stands, you don’t look as foggy, as lost as you were before.”

It's probably Jay’s imagination that Will looks immediately all kinds of relieved and if Jay hadn’t already decided that despite the fact that he meant what he said and that Will does look less weighed down, he’s not going to stop being concerned just because one time Will looks like he’s actually slept, he’s not going to stop the additional vigilance he’d kept up in recent weeks and Will’s reaction is all the confirmation he needs that he’s right. 

He doesn’t say it, just watches Will over the rim of the bottle he takes a sip from.

“So, you and Hailey? Are you good?”

Jay lowers the bottle to the table, staring down at the label on it, grateful that his brother doesn’t push him till he’s ready. 

When he’s ready, he’s not even certain what words will follow.

“Sometimes I wonder if it's a good idea, like if we both need to sort our shit out first and we could still be there for each other but without the extra stuff. I wonder if we’re putting too much pressure on ourselves when everything is hard enough without trying us for size,” Jay lifts the bottle up to his mouth again but then shakes his head and lowers it, “ Then she tells me something that I can tell has been weighing down on her for so long and I realize how much she trusts me and how I should focus on that and what it stands for or I wake up next to her or maybe sometimes I just lie there listening to her sleep and hearing her breathe and it's already worth it, just gotta hope she agrees.”

Will lifts up his bottle then, knocks it against Jay’s and says, “I’ll drink to that little brother, you deserve it.”

Jay rolls his eyes good-naturedly and then grins, “And you do too, old man.”

Will lowers his bottle, picks up his knife and fork, one in each hand before he transfers the fork from his left to his right hand and then calmly, slowly raises the middle finger on his left hand.

“Very mature Doctor, _really_.”

“You know it, Detective.”

Jay shakes his head, mock annoyance completely impossible to sustain and he smiles, relief at the normalcy returning somewhat between them pouring through him. Sure though he is that if he even scratched lightly at the surface Will’s facade would look wafer-thin, he’s beyond content that tonight it’s relaxed, it’s not the weighted words and tense exchanges that have been ever-present recently and Jay needed this. 

Will too, no doubt. 

It's quiet for a while between them, just two brothers enjoying each other’s company, each other’s presence, eating good food, taking in the world around them.

As they finish their meals, Will excuses himself and leaves some bills as Jay calls for the check, he’s only gone for a couple of minutes and Jay pulls out some bills and presses the money down on the small plate and hands it to their server telling her to keep the change when Will’s phone lights up and Jay doesn’t even have to look hard to see who the caller ID says it is. 

He doesn’t recognize the name, isn’t that overly curious, it’s probably just someone from Med Will hasn’t mentioned. 

Will comes back after a couple of minutes, picks up his jacket and says “You called for the check?” and Jay nods, pushing his chair back and standing up.

The question’s out of his mouth before he can stop it.

“Who’s Hannah A?”

Jay’s gotten to trust his intuition, his gut, his ability to get people’s tells. His brother’s most of all as it should be and it’s quick, momentary even, the way Will tenses, the way his jaw tightens before he seemingly remembers it’s his brother, the detective, asking and he shakes his head, a pained looking attempt at a smile plastered on his face then shrugs.

“Just a friend.”

He almost meets Jay’s eyes but then he’s reaching for his phone, shoving it in the inside pocket and walking past Jay and out of the door before Jay can blink. 

“Okay and _now_ I’m concerned,” Jay says to the air before he picks up his own jacket, shrugging it on, then walking outside to catch up to Will and talk about anything except the newly entered elephant in the room. 

\- - - - -

“So okay, pineapples on pizzas, yes or no?”

“We’re going highbrow with these questions and answers session now then?” Jay says with a smirk as he lifts the camera up and snaps off some pictures of the building on the other side of the street. 

They’ve been on the stakeout for hours and hours already and there’s still no sign of who they’re waiting for or their associates even, every other person in Chicago seemingly except the people they’re interested in. They don’t have too long left at least as Kev and Adam will take over in just a few minutes.

Stakeouts are essential of course. Dull at times maybe but still essential and both of them are more than capable of maintaining focus but no one ever said they couldn’t fire dumb questions at each other during that time. 

Hailey snorts out a laugh, “So when you were asking Dumb and Dumber or Weekend at Bernie’s, _that_ was highbrow?”

Jay pulls the camera away from his face and gives Hailey a ‘well duh’ kind of expression that has her shaking her head fondly at him.

“Still not answered my question, pineapple on pizzas, yes or no?”

Jay sets the camera down on his lap and screws up his face, his expression turning serious for a beat before there’s an uncertain smile, “Let’s just say no, okay?” 

“Jay?” 

“Hated it then Afghanistan happened and it was another piece of home till coming back and eating it just reminded me of everything I tried to forget.”

Hailey shakes her head, “Jeez, how do you ever get used to the fact that even something as simple as a question like that could at the wrong moment bring it all back and not just like now, like fully back, triggers and all?”

Jay doesn’t respond, nor does he look at Hailey, he’s quiet instead as he picks up the camera and stares down the lens and his exhale out is slightly louder than normal and that’s the only insight Hailey gets before without lowering the camera he starts to talk once more. 

“Anyway, dirt biking in Alaska or SnowMobiles in Winsconsin?”

Hailey looks up, sees the slight movement of Jay’s lips and decides against calling him out, challenging him on the change of subject and instead sits back down on the upturned crate, her body turned toward Jay’s though she looks out the window the entire time. 

“I really have to pick just one?”

That makes Jay lower the camera slightly and he shoots a quick glance toward Hailey.

“Really? You’d want to do both?”

“Maybe I’ve done both already, well dirt biking at least. A guy I knew, he was crazy about it. I was looking for something with a thrill and it, the dirt biking that is, fit the bill.”

“This guy?” 

“Supplier of thrills and lover of Rage against The Machine and a ton of other metal bands and I guess, he may well have been the first guy to _get_ me.”

Jay chokes out a surprised sounding laugh.

“Hailey Upton, the metal-head?”

She shrugs looking away from the window toward Jay now, “Little bit, you surprised?”

Jay sets the camera down, frowns slightly and looks at Hailey, a smile reappearing on his face within a moment and shakes his head.

“Actually no, and I can’t even explain why but no I’m not. Not surprised at all and remember that thing you said about me not liking what I’d learn about you when you started opening up.”

“Yeah?”

He shifts slightly, takes a step near and then not taking his attention away from the building across the street, he leans down and says quietly. 

“Turns out the more I hear, no matter what I hear, the more I can’t understand how it took us so long. “

Jay straightens then and looks back out at the window before Hailey says his name and then says with a wide smile.

“That’s true, just let’s not look at it like that though, let’s look at the fact that at least we’re there now.”

He returns her smile just as they hear footsteps and there’s a knock on the door and Kev identifies himself as Hailey stands up and crosses the short distance to let Kev and Adam in. 

Kev and Adam who are carrying bags filled with food including the smell of hot food that has Jay practically licking his lips in anticipation of the food to come his and Hailey’s way pretty soon he hopes. 

“Anything happen?” Adam asks, joining Jay by the window and setting the bag down before he takes the camera from Jay and peers down the lens.

“Squat. We’ll leave and within thirty minutes, the whole gang’ll be on top of it probably.”

“That's okay with me as long as we’ve had our hot food before that happens,” Kev replies grabbing a handful of fries from one of the containers and offering it to Hailey and Jay, the former shaking her head while Jay grabs a few.

“Thanks, man, okay guys, later.”

They walk out the room and down the two flights of stairs and then walk the short distance to the truck where Jay turns on the heater and pulls away.

“So, out for food or delivery?”

Hailey’s involuntary yawn gives Jay the answer.

“Home it is,” he smiles and then looking straight ahead, Jay continues, “By the way that question, the dirt biking or snowmobile one? How about if I told you if we went to my Grandfather’s place in Northern Wisconsin a couple of times, once in winter and then in summer, we could do both.”

“Really?”

Jay nods.

“I would be so down for that, like really? You’re not messing with me?”

“I’m not, you’d actually like it?”

“I mean, you could suggest doing pretty much anything and as long as it was with you, I’d say yes but dirt biking or kidding around on a snowmobile?” Hell yeah,” Hailey sits up straighter, “Does your grandfather's place even have a TV?”

“Nope.”

She laughs. “Oh man, it’s like you’re dangling this gigantic sized carrot in front of me and I’m grabbing at it but there’s no way I can have it for ooh let’s see, well, ages.”

“Maybe we develop,” Jay punctuates ‘develop’ with a one-handed air quote then continues, “some kind of non-lethal fever that means no one can visit us for over a week and even Voight won’t be able to try to visit either of us for fear of getting it?”

They share a glance and grin.

“That or we come clean and ask for vacation time at some point and do it the conventional way,” Hailey suggests.

“You’re ready to go public?” Jay asks, a hint of surprise in his tone. 

“Well, we’re pretty much almost there with how many people know and you think Voight probably knows already and Platt definitely does so yeah, maybe.”

Jay almost replies immediately but something stops him and they’re both quiet, the only sound being the engine and the traffic out of the truck. They stay silent right until they pull up by his building and he turns the engine off. 

He undoes his seat belt and turns to face her, “You know I’m torn between not wanting to hide it anymore because we’ve got nothing to be ashamed of and I love you and all but also I like how it is, I like how we’re getting to know each other a little bit more and more. you trusting me that little bit more about stuff that's happened to you and it's the same for me and it’s just _us_ knowing it for real, no pressure other than what we’re putting on ourselves anyway, is that weird?”

Hailey shifts in her seat, undoes her seat belt and leans forward, placing a hand on Jay’s knee, a finger scratching gently at the material of his jeans and shakes her head.

“Not at all, not sure if _this_ is weird but it's definitely notable that every single thought that you articulate could have come from me too.”

Jay grins, “So, not yet then? We won’t put in for vacation yet?”

“No.”

“Summer though, you, me, a couple of dirt bikes, a bit of metal music and a whole heap of barbecued meat?”

Hailey nods and then moves forward just a little bit more, her lips finding Jay’s then she pulls away with a grin.

“It’s a date, Halstead.”

\- - - - -

As sure as night follows day, bad follows good. It would almost be comforting if it didn’t leave Jay feeling quite so shaken.

Quite so stuck back in the worst memories, his hands either side of the basin in the bathroom before he lifts his head up and then at the sight of himself which he can’t bear right now he turns around leaning against the basin now instead. 

He breathes out shakily, relieved that there’s no hint that he woke Hailey with the abrupt way he’d woken up. 

After an indeterminate amount of time that’s probably just a couple of minutes, Jay turns back around and washes his face, considers shaving for about a half a second then deciding against it, he picks up the towel and wipes any remaining moisture from his face. 

The nightmare that woke him up lingers like it’s the worst kind of pain seared into his brain, the cell that’s resting on the ledge just above the basin and below the cabinet there inviting him to do something crazy.

And within a minute he’s picked it up and unlocked the screen and he goes into his contact list, scrolling down and his fingers hover over the button to call, looking for some kind of definite proof that it was just a nightmare. 

Terrified though that it wasn’t and that the moment he phones, the only outcome that would make him feel any better is so unlikely to Jay right now, he goes to his emails instead and it’s the daily routine of checking the inbox then the junk mail and every single folder in case a response wound up someplace else that he missed completely. 

There’s nothing, just like yesterday and the day before that and so on. The nightmare that’s still lingering in Jay’s brain tells him that of course there’s nothing, a dead man can’t respond to emails.

Except if Mouse _was_ dead, he’d know Jay tells himself. And not just because he keeps checking websites, death notices, places on the internet that he knows word would get out to even if it didn’t get out anywhere else. 

There’s nothing though and it’s that reason which keeps this tiny sliver of hope that’s kept Jay from falling apart so far. This belief that when Mouse can, he _will_ reply, this need for him to reply so strong in the small hours when it’s still dark out brings it home to Jay how close to falling apart he sometimes feels. 

He brushes his teeth then picks up his cell again, walking quietly into his bedroom and pulls on a fresh sweater and pair of jeans, it’s past 5am and he turns back to look toward the bed, considering just for a moment waking Hailey. He knows she wouldn’t mind, will probably mind more when she wakes up and realizes he’s not there. 

Instead, he walks into the living room and finds some paper and a pen after a couple of minutes searching then scrawls out a quick note, promising he’ll come back and get her so she doesn’t need to go out of the way to get to the 21st and then walks back into the bedroom and folds the note in half, placing it on the nightstand next to Hailey’s side of the bed.

Jay lingers for just a moment, perhaps he should get back into bed and reach out to her, pull her close and find the comfort he knows Hailey would be so ready to give, the comfort he'd given her just a few nights ago. 

He walks out of the bedroom and out of the apartment before he can stop himself.

It’s still dark, just before sunrise as he walks up the stairs expecting the bullpen to be in darkness but there’s the low hum of voices that almost has him turning around and walking back down the stairs and back home.

They notice him though so it’s too late to do that.

“Jay man, the hell are you doing here so early?” Adam asks as he gets up from his chair and picks up the mug from his desk. 

Kevin spins on his chair and echoing Adam's barely concealed concern, he adds, “Couldn’t sleep, bro?”

Predictably Jay avoids their questions completely, “I could ask the same of you guys, shouldn’t you be on the stakeout?”

“It was a bust, Voight called about an hour ago and said to call it a night, said he’d get us all to hit up our CI’s and see if they played us so we’re heading home soon for sleep and back this afternoon to see what’s next,” Adam replies before he heads to the kitchen.

Jay walks toward his desk, turns his computer on, stays standing and just stares at the monitor, his arms folded, lost in his thoughts. 

“Jay?”

He looks up to see Kev standing by his desk, a concerned expression on his face. 

“I don’t mean to pry man and I also don’t want to bring back memories you’ve tried to push away but I’ve been where you’ve been, maybe not quite the same but I’ve felt that guilt and that fear that I may not make it so you ever need to get it out.”

Kevin stops talking when Adam comes out of the kitchen and walks to his desk chair, picking up his jacket before he stops and glances between Jay and Kev.

“See you downstairs in a couple of minutes, man?” he asks Kev who nods and fistbumps his partner as he walks past.

“‘Kay then, get some coffee Jay, you look beat”

Jay doesn’t respond, just silently watches Adam leave and then returns his gaze to his computer. 

“Where was I?” Kev asks. 

“I’m okay,” Jay replies not replying directly to the question, not wanting Kevin to continue even though he gets it, he hears everything he said, feels it too, just isn’t ready despite all his best hopes that he could put it to bed, it’s still there and not quite as neatly tidied away as he’d convinced himself it was and yet he’s not ready to go there right now or at least talk about it. 

Kev’s skeptical expression speaks volumes and there’s a minute shake of his head before he holds his hands up, “Copy that man and I’m not here to push it but _something_ has you here before it’s light and I know recriminations toward yourself that you have no need to hold inside eat away at you eventually so hey, even if it ain’t me you talk to, don’t let it burn you out.”

Jay nods, unfolds his arms and slowly lifts his head to meet Kev’s eyes just for a couple of seconds, long enough to see Kev’s shoulders slump slightly in defeat before he turns away and walks to his desk, picking up his jacket and then walking past Jay’s, his hand gently squeezing Jay’s shoulder before he walks out too.

Leaving Jay alone and soon enough he realizes the quiet isn’t as welcome as he thought it would be just a couple of minutes ago. 

An hour later and it’s light now, Jay’s in the kitchen making his second coffee of the day when he hears footsteps till they stop next to him and a hand reaches out for one of his for a moment. 

“I’m sor-.”

A finger presses against his lips after she turns him to face her. Hailey’s smiling but her eyes show concern and she shakes her head.

“It’s fine I’m here, are you okay?” she asks, dropping her finger from his lips and resting her hand on his arm.

He opens his mouth to lie, always as natural as breathing but nothing comes out and he feels her pulling him closer, her hands wrapping around him, everything about her is comfort and warmth and as he presses a kiss to the top of her head, he sighs heavily then says, “I’m better now you're here.”

Even if it’s just temporary, even if it’s just in this room, at least for now it’s _not_ a lie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. So excited for next week and the following week's episodes. Hailey backstory in 7x16 aaah - will deffo be going back to it in this story too. 
> 
> If you enjoyed this chapter, please do press that button or you can leave a comment about anything you like, I'll always reply and love to chat about all things fic and show wise. xx
> 
> 3rd March: laptop now working again, with next episode tomorrow and it being potentially v upstead-y - next chapter will likely follow after - was considering doing a short one but 2 in 2 days is probs too much even for me lol! It's coming though.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That was a much longer interlude than intended I'm sorry! I had laptop issues and then wanted to see how 7x16 panned out and well, wow. This chapter is based around that episode with a little bit of what was said but adapted for this story so it does refer to elements of that episode so spoiler alert of course as well as continuing from ch12 of this story. (ps. while writing this chapter, safe and also proof by Ward Thomas and back to life by zayn were songs I listened to over and over)
> 
> Thank you so very much for continuing to support this story even while there was a little break, it means the world to me. 
> 
> Any errors etc., down to me as always.

For Hailey, watching Jay overcome the times when sleep is impossible, watching him deal with the aftermath of the associated feelings, the bad memories, the nightmares, it’s like watching someone trying to get out of the sea or a swimming pool they've been in for hours, like their legs are weighed down and they keep stumbling.

Till they stand up, grab at the ground or anything they can find for purchase and somehow they manage to go on, to carry on. Stand with their head held high and soon enough they walk a little taller, a little free-er again. 

It takes Jay less time than most Hailey thinks and not because he has less to carry than most, it’s the polar opposite really, he’s just more practiced at it. Better at sliding on the mask. Hailey should know. _Does_ know. 

The lack of sleep he’s been having, the far-away look in his eyes all make more sense one night, almost a week after she’d found him in the kitchen at the 21st that early morning. They’re next to each other on the couch, feet touching as they rest them on the coffee table and watch terrible TV when Jay breaks the comfortable silence between them. 

“I have a mandatory exam tomorrow, a Doctor type exam that is.”

Jay sips at the bottle of beer in his hand, his attention fixed anywhere than toward Hailey or even the TV. Hailey’s glance switches to Jay’s quickly, surprised. 

“I thought you’d had the final one when you got the go-ahead to return to duty?”

“So did I but apparently it’s something they do now.”

Hailey wants to ask a million questions, mostly a series of questions that include ‘How do you feel?’ and ‘Is that why you’ve been so distracted?’ but she doesn’t, knows he probably wouldn’t answer truthfully if she did.

“I’ll go with you, I won’t come in with you but I’ll be there before you go in and after, just a friendly face y’ know.”

She reaches out her hand and locks her fingers in Jay’s, wills him to look at her and it takes a minute, it takes more than a minute of him sipping at his drink, the muscle in his jaw twitching before he turns his head.

“I only found out yesterday, that’s not why the other day happened.” then as if he’s realized he’s said more than he intended though thankfully for him at least still not enough, he hastily adds, “But anyway, yeah, it’d be good to have you there, I'd like that.”

He smiles except it’s not nearly as convincing as either of them would like it to be. It’s as though Hailey's watching Jay flounder and fall back into the water again and she feels powerless to stop.

All she can do is squeeze his hand a little more and do as he wishes right now which is to pretend tomorrow’s not happening.

\- - - - - -

The appointment goes both as well and as badly as Jay expects it to which is to say that the outcome is what was never in question in Jay’s mind.

He’s okay to work, the Doc hadn’t even seemed surprised or concerned when Jay had winced with the discomfort that was having his arm and as a result, his shoulder manipulated in ways he thinks he’ll feel the consequences for a couple of days at least. It’s reassuring that maybe the little bits of recurring pain and discomfort he feels sometimes are to be expected and no, the doctor hadn’t said that but Jay’s going to pretend he did at least. 

Everything else though? Horrible, complete with a helpful reminder in case Jay could ever forget the injuries he’s sustained on duty. 

A little voice in his head had wanted to say ‘You think _that’s_ bad Doc, wait till you hear about _all_ the injuries I got when I was a Ranger, now _that’s_ bad’

Luckily he ignored that little voice because that would never have ended well and mostly Jay just tried and will always try to push down the reminders, the little pockets, and flashes of memory of those days. It’s not been nearly as successful recently though. With every thought of Mouse and his whereabouts comes a reminder in his disturbed sleep. 

Still, as he says a curt goodbye and opens the door to the waiting area where Hailey immediately stands up, questions on her lips, he plasters on a smile and pushes down those thoughts. 

“You good to go?” Hailey asks as they walk toward the elevators together. 

“All good, doc said to avoid bullets. Lead’s bad for your health.”

“He’s a funny guy or you are,” Hailey eyes him as they stop by the elevators and Jay presses the button to call one before he turns the dial on the two-way then she touches his arm fixing him with a stare, “You okay?”

It’s easier than Jay thought to crack a smile or maybe he’s just so practiced at pretending he barely feels the conflict between reality and the facade he feels like he’s putting up as he does it and if Hailey wanted to call him out she doesn’t get the chance as the radio comes to life.

“Units on the city-wide, 2533 South Whipple. Armed robbery in progress. Pay-day Advantage.”

That’s right up Cermak,” Hailey says, already starting to walk away, “Let’s take the stairs.”

\- - - - - -

The moment Michelle’s husband steps into the florist, Jay thinks he understands what’s going on. Can sense it and the barely concealed disdain within him changes away from Michelle almost immediately. 

Focuses on the husband entirely, Jay’s been around bullies. 

Still, he enters into the spirit of it all because he has nothing to go on yet aside from the fact Michelle’s lied to them, and his own instinct. 

Soon he’s walking out the shop and back to the truck with a bouquet of roses in his hand, not quite succeeding in hiding the shy smile on his face as he opens the door and sees Hailey’s smile.

“What a guy.”

“Yeah yeah, you want them or?”

Hailey shrugs, the smile not leaving her face so he puts them on the passenger seat next to him and then looks back at Hailey, any hint of a smile leaving his face, back to business.

“Her husband came in, told him I was a customer, something didn’t feel right.”

Hailey lifts up the camera she’s holding, “Yeah well, I took a picture of them, ran it through the system, lit up the screen,” she lowers the camera and holds up the laptop instead. “Turns out our good samaritan is married to a convicted felon.”

“Let me guess, armed robbery.”

“Told you we’re good together,” Hailey says with a smile so wide it’s infectious. 

Jay shakes his head, trying to control his own and Hailey starts to laugh. 

“It’s okay to smile, Jay, no one can see us,” She half-whispers teasingly as she shuts the laptop, then shoves it and the camera into a backpack that she sets down on the back seat, before climbing over the gap in the seats, her hand lightly brushing against Jay's shoulder for a moment, lifting the roses up and settling into the passenger seat as Jay pulls away. 

She sniffs at them.

“They smell beautiful, they _are_ beautiful but just so you know I’m not really a roses kind of girl.”

Jay raises his eyebrows, “Oh really, what kind of girl are you then?”

“Uh-uh, I think maybe you should try to buy some flowers that you think maybe my type and the day you get it right, I’ll tell you.”

Jay shakes his head, “Nah, this feels like some scam where your secret best buddy is a florist and I’m gonna be the idiot going in and buying flowers each day and then on the thirtieth day all, you’ll be ‘Oh sorry Jay, it was roses all along’.”

“Were you actually trying to imitate my voice then Halstead?”

“Stop changing the subject, I’m right aren’t I?” Jay narrows his eyes at Hailey but his lips curve upwards all the same. 

“You’re wrong, you’re _very_ wrong and don't think I didn't notice the deflection and the thinly veiled attempt to avoid buying me flowers based on your own wrong conspiracy theory so nice try bucko but hey at least you’re cute wrong, right?” 

“Cute wrong?” 

“Yeah,” Hailey pulls her face and then gestures towards Jay, “It’s really annoying, those damn freckles and that whole damn face of yours.”

“Well, sorry about my face,” Jay laughs.

“Ah, don’t be,” she replies as they pull up into the parking lot, park and Jay turns off the engine then goes to take the flowers from Hailey but she holds onto them tighter, “What are you doing Jay?”

“You don’t like roses so I’m taking them in for someone who _does_ like roses.”

“I never said I didn’t like roses, they just aren’t my favorite that’s all.”

“You wanna keep ‘em?” 

“Yes Jay, I would like to keep them, that okay?”

“It’s fine, I’m glad you like them.”

“Oh jeez,” she exclaims exasperatedly.

It’s a silly little back and forth Hailey knows but as she watches Jay shake his head while laughing at the same time as they both jump out the truck and Hailey places the flowers back onto the seat while Jay grabs the backpack from the rear seats and they slam the doors in unison before they meet each other at the back of the truck and Jay has this smile, a smile that for anyone else she’d describe as fond, so yeah frivolous though it was, it was also much needed she thinks, more for Jay maybe but also a little for her too. 

Some light relief in and amongst everything they’ve confronted and Hailey has a feeling they’re about to confront too. 

\- - - - - -

Hailey feels calm mostly. She feels in control too when she sits across from Shane Sullivan.

He looks completely different to her dad in every way except how small he appears to her. Every single man that does what this man does to his wife is small. Can only ever be small, can only ever be someone to be viewed with contempt. Add to that the things she's certain this man was guilty of, part of a gang who’d murdered an innocent man, shot at her partner.

Of course to Michelle Sullivan, to people like Michelle Sullivan, people like Hailey’s mom, for example, Hailey’s brothers, Hailey herself, when a man like Sullivan is at his worst and most dangerous, he’s _not_ small.

His fists aren’t small. Any weapons he chooses aren’t small. Afterward though when the sorries inevitably follow, it’s so utterly predictable and like magic, he’s small again. 

As she asks him the question about if it makes him feel big to hit a woman, he’s about the size of a pea at that moment to Hailey before he gathers himself and grows just a little larger, maybe two peas instead. When he says that lie about the bicycle all Hailey does is shake her head because some men _can_ be rehabilitated, she’s even read stories about it. 

Back when she still thought she could make things better at home, she looked into it, would leave the internet browser up with a page that spelled out what could be done because she knew either her mom or her dad _would_ look and maybe in a moment of clarity for either of them it would have been enough to change things.

Learned not to try that again when the computer screen had ended up on the floor, smashed into pieces. 

Just like Sullivan will never change, neither did Hailey’s dad even after he ended up in prison for a little while and came out promising what never came to pass so Hailey just stayed away from home more. Too old to be able to see the aftermath and avoid doing nothing even if she didn’t see the before anymore.

Her father wouldn’t dare lay a hand on her now. The rare times she goes home he can't and doesn't look her in the eye. Not that she calls it home anymore because home means comfort and love and security and she’s not associated that feeling with her father and for that matter her mother for the longest time. 

No one offered her mom the way out that _they’re_ offering Michelle, except for Hailey. Her dad’s sentence had nothing to do with beating up her mom so no one tried to help him or change him, he just came out even more embittered and the small changes Hailey had seen in her mother, the help she’d suggested was out there, the paperwork, all of the information her mom had seemed enthused to know, it was like someone had clicked their fingers and all those thoughts disappeared into the wind.

And when you’ve lived like Hailey did for so long, in fear, you struggle to see the good in other men at least from the point of view of a possible relationship or if you see the good, you’re waiting for the moment that person changes before your eyes into your worst nightmare.

Or alternatively, you don’t wait long enough for that to happen. Garret had been different and look what happened there. 

She waited a long time to see the flaws in Jay, and see them she _has_ because he _does_ have them, he’s not perfect but he’s the first man ever really that she trusts implicitly, that her instinct told her from day one that once the ice had melted, once he understood she was around long-term as his partner, nothing would compare to the partnership they’d have. She felt safe, the ultimate irony in a job like theirs. 

It’s easy to reassure someone like Jay, it’s easy to help him realize that he did well because he _is_ good and she’ll never stop telling him that if she needs to.

All the while she tells herself that given where she’s been, what’s she’s seen, she’s doing pretty damn good herself too. 

And at the same time, realizing that mask Jay slides on? She’s pretty sure she does it too, except for now that is because _now_ feels real and now comes with a small amount of pride in herself that she at least is as okay as it’s possible to be having lived through it all. 

\- - - - - -

There’s a moment, just a few seconds to be precise where Jay loses it. 

Where the days of concern, of anger and of just wanting something to work out to give Michelle and Tina the get-out they needed spill out of Jay and onto the face of Shane Sullivan. Then he catches sight of Michelle, the look on her face, the realization that his actions at that moment aren't helping, they're adding to her trauma are enough that he stops instantly, breathes a little shakily as he lets go and follows Michelle out of the house, the welcome sound of sirens growing louder as they approach the Sullivan home. 

It takes some time to get everything processed, to get her the tickets to go on the plane and Jay’s exhausted, mentally spent almost by the time it's all done. 

He feels shaky, out of kilter and the doctor’s words are coming back to haunt him just at the same time as his shoulder protests a little when he shrugs on his jacket and heads outside to drive home and then get a cab to the bar. 

To meet Hailey. Hailey who lived what Tina Sullivan lived through, even if Tina was never actually harmed, she was _still_ a victim, just as Hailey was.

As soon as he sits down opposite Hailey, he feels calmer and it’s not just from the double that's waiting for him, she’s always been good at it even when he was too stubborn to admit she was. 

When she talks about it all, when he asks her, she’s calm, she talks about it as openly as the moment allows, as the question allows, she doesn’t hide and he’s at once grateful for it, in awe of her and reproaching himself, wondering why _he’s_ so closed off, why he can’t do the same. Then she knocks back her drink till there’s none left, chides him for being ‘a slowcoach’ and he shakes his head smiling as he signals towards the barman and downs his drink too, not taking his eyes from her at any point.

\- - - - - - 

They get a cab home from the bar and in the bathroom, Hailey had rubbed cream to soothe Jay’s knuckles from where they’d punched Sullivan earlier. Now in the dark, they sit together on the couch again, in the dark, just the lights of the city illuminating the room.

“I don’t know how sitting here like this got to be our thing, it is though, I’m glad it caught on.” Jay muses.

“Unlike ‘those three words’ which never caught on,” Hailey replies.

“Yeah cause why bother pretending and not saying those words, at least between the two of us, why hide it between _us_ especially when our job reminds us every day that tomorrow isn’t definite.”

“I agree,” Hailey says simply. 

They sit in silence for who knows how long, each in their own thoughts, pondering the events of the case, pondering their actions, pondering a little more insight into each other. 

“Hey, you ever think what if you’d hadn’t turned up to that Robbery/Homicide case, like if they’d sent someone else, some close to retirement cop, how different all this would be?”

“You mean what if we never met?”

“Yeah.”

Hailey’s about to respond when Jay continues talking.

“Cause I do, not in an imagine if fate hadn’t made it happen kinda way, well not really. I still think everything would have run the way it has, just without you,” Jay sighs,” Man even those two words feel so difficult to say out loud, to imagine a world without you, even with all those bumps and how at first we butted heads or how I butted my head against yours repeatedly.

“To get to halfway point as we did, meeting in the middle and not be able to imagine a world where we haven’t got the other to talk about these things with, to feel a little less raw after a bad case, that and all our little traditions?” Hailey suggests.

There’s a smile in Jay’s voice, “Exactly that, yeah, that and more though because look at us now, it’s crazy,” then he places his hand on top of Hailey’s left leg, rubbing her knee, “Good crazy,” he amends not that he had to. 

“Maybe you and the close to retirement cop woulda been best buddies you know?”

Jay laughs, “Yeah right, now I _do_ wanna turn back the clock and make all that happen so maybe we should turn the light on, get on the internet and search for a DeLorean and go right back to that day.”

“And figure out how to make it so you could’ve been best buds with the said cop and _still_ met me?”

“You’re a genius, exactly.”

Hailey laughs and drops her head onto Jay’s shoulder. Again, another routine.

“Seriously though Hailey, I wish I _could_ have been that person for you back then, _that’s_ a good use for that DeLorean, to be able to turn back time to have us meet even if it was just once or twice so I could stop it and pull you, your mom, your brothers away from it all,” Jay says quietly.

Hailey opens her mouth, he can hear her breath as she goes to speak and Jay knows she’ll deflect but he decides he’s not going to let her.

“If I could I’d do anything so you didn’t have those memories but do you actually realize how amazing, how strong you are Hailey because I heard you say that _I_ did a good thing but then there’s you using your own experiences to help others see a way out of it and there’s no hint of bitterness, there’s anger, there’s anger in you that’s _so_ right, so justified but look at how you use it so it’s as much you as it was me getting Michelle Sullivan on that plane out of this city tonight.”

“Jay, I-.”

“Please Hailey, hear me out please?”

Hailey sighs then murmurs, “Okay.”

“Look how you pulled me back from doing crazy stuff, look and listen to yourself with how you can talk so calmly about it all, all you’ve been through and then look at me,” Jay hears Hailey start to protest again and he lifts his hand up from her leg for a moment, hopes she sees it, knows at least she’ll feel it, “You know every time I see you, every time we’re in the same room and I’m watching you and I think _she’s_ my partner and then you’re here, _you’re here_ and I’m just so glad it _wasn’t_ someone else that day.”

“You done?” Hailey asks gently, without heat.

“I’m done.”

A million questions, a million words to say come to Hailey's mind. “I heard everything you said and I’m not going to argue because I know it’ll be some kind of never-ending spiral of ‘it’s down to you Hailey’ ‘No it’s down to you Jay’ over and over in a loop till we both fall asleep or have a disagreement and that’s not happening tonight but you _do_ see why I wanted to reassure you right?”

Jay says nothing but the way his fingers pause from running circles on her knee then start again gives her the silent go-ahead. 

“I don’t know what it is because you’re normally _so_ confident, normally so instinctive and you still are but this case, I have no idea if it was the doctor’s appointment, I don’t know if it’s how you’ve been sleeping or not sleeping but you seemed different, second-guessing not so much in the moment because you’re still the great instinctive cop you’ve always been.” 

Hailey pauses, thinking before she carries on, choosing her words so carefully. 

“It’s after that where you’ve struggled, the way you asked _me_ , the thing with Voight and I just had to remind you this time and I’ll keep reminding it till you realize it, everything you did Jay, _everything_ was good, was right. I don’t need that reassurance cause I know I did good and therapy helped me understand for times like today that I did as much as I could and I know there’s also a limit to our powers and it’s all down to Michelle now and I think you _do_ realize that but a little reminder can’t do any harm right, that’s all.”

Jay takes a moment to respond. Hailey hearing how he clears his throat and swallows, he doesn’t say anything though, just exhales loudly. 

“Jay, did your father ever, you know?”

“What? No,” Jay replies immediately then he blows out a breath, “Not often or at least not often physically to me and Will except for if we’d been bad which we were a couple of times cause we were just kids you know, disappointing him or making him mad. Mom though? Yeah sometimes. It was the words though, they were harder, crueler, his absence too and even when we did good things, he’d focus on the bad," he pauses then hurriedly adds, "But it’s nothing compared to yours.”

Hailey shakes her head. 

“It’s not about comparing, Jay, it makes sense or at least some of it does, the way you care so much, the fact that you saw the signs.”

Jay doesn’t have to be in full light for Hailey to know he’s frowning. 

“One day that’s a whole other conversation, one day when all this feels a bit more distant for the both of us.”

“You’d say though if I could help right, you’d say if something’s bothering you after the appointment the other day, after the way you’ve been. It’s all gotten a little overshadowed by all of this and maybe this latest case is another thing to add to how you were doing before, something to bear in mind, be a little gentler with yourself.”

“I will if you will, be completely honest that is.”

Hailey turns away for a second, reaches for the lamp behind her because she wants Jay to see her, to see that every word she says next is real and true.

The light’s bright and as she turns back, Jay looks quizzical, a little nervous even. 

“Jay, we can’t turn back time and I can’t make all the hurt go away for you, and we can’t go back so that you’re there to save me, my family, but that’s okay because look at me I’m here and I’m okay and maybe you sort of _have_ saved me by being you, by being the one man that I think I trust enough to be something more than casual with, the one to tell the whole story of me to and all the while giving me the freedom to still be me.”

Jay’s lips curve upwards slightly. 

“That's the first time you’ve smiled like that in days or at least that it’s reached your eyes.” Hailey observes before she glances at her watch, thinks for a moment and then makes a decision, “It’s late and you know by now most of my relationships would have been _past_ relationships and we’d have gone past simply lying next to each other in bed a whole lot sooner.”

Jay shifts slightly, “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah,” Hailey grins before she gets off the couch and reaches out for Jay’s hand. 

“You sure?”

“Well, we could always stay up and watch late-night TV and talk about our feelings all night inst-.”

“Good point, well made, “ Jay interrupts and allows himself to be pulled off the couch and to be pulled nearer to Hailey.

Hailey who looks up at him, cranes her neck upward, stands on her tiptoes while her hand cups the back of his neck and kisses him then grabs his hand, pulls him towards the bedroom but stops just for a second.

“Nothing’s ever felt more right and natural than this especially after everything with this case, who needs saving in the past when we can just focus on making things better for ourselves now so we can create good memories for the future?”

Tomorrow morning or later today as it is, she’ll know it’s not the wisest thing to say because their pasts can't help but impact on their present and sometimes it will always weigh heavier for whatever reasons so she’s not sure, make that she’s certain right now that what she said is not 100 percent right either except it works on some level for that moment or did till Jay’s shake of his head and quietly impatient, “Stop talking please,” which is followed by them both laughing as they shut the door behind them.

Closing the door on the last few days and opening the door for a new part of whatever all this means in the end for them and who could argue with that? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. We're almost at 50k now omggg, far and away the longest thing I've written, oh I love writing these people so much. 
> 
> If you enjoyed this chapter, please do think about leaving some kudos or a comment, I love talking about CPD and writing and will always reply xxx


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken so long. I had a major block with the first half of this chapter though the last little section I've been certain of for ages. Hope you're all safe and well x
> 
> Any mistakes as always down to me.

Jay stretches, forgetting about his shoulder for a moment till there’s a fleeting pain and he winces slightly as he steps from the bedroom and into the living room and looks across to the kitchen watching Hailey as she spreads butter on a piece of toast, her hair down. She’s fully dressed, oblivious to Jay’s eyes on her. He smiles, memories of last night still fresh. 

“Good morning.”

Hailey whirls around to face him, knife still in her hand, and grins. “Hey.”

Jay steps closer, stands on the other side of the breakfast bar and leans against it side on, not taking his eyes from her.

“You didn’t wake me?”

“No, because that’s the point Jay, for once you were sound asleep and no way was I interrupting that.”

“Thanks,” Jay responds then with a small smile he adds, “Last night, you know I think we turned us into something a little more definite, maybe or at least it was pretty perfect?”

It’s not that Jay’s uncertain really, and he’s not uncertain of his own feelings for Hailey and where she’s concerned, he doesn’t believe she’s the type to play him so he feels just as certain that she feels the same. Wouldn’t hurt to hear it though. 

Hailey senses it because of course she does, and she puts the butter knife down, walking to where Jay’s standing and looks up at him, gentle in her expression, tender in her touch as she takes his hand.

“I didn’t think I needed it but obviously it would always happen at some point. I’m glad we waited, it felt right, and by the way you’re always a definite for me, Jay.” 

Jay lifts her other hand up towards his lips, pressing gentle kisses to her fingertips and then laces his fingers with hers. 

“Good to know,” he says lightly as though it doesn’t mean as much as it feels then with a wicked glint in his eye, he suggests, “we could go for a replay?” 

Hailey shakes her head, frowning “We got a case, I was about to wake you with some toast and then we gotta go.”

“Sucks we can’t take a snow day.”

Hailey laughs, “Those are words I never thought I’d hear from Jay Halstead’s mouth.”

“You don’t agree.”

“Maybe.” 

Jay sighs, “Meaning yes but ok, I’ll go shower and then we’ll go,” he pulls away from Hailey reluctantly before he turns back, “You wanna join me?”

“Yes. I would,” Hailey replies honestly, “But I think Voight may ask some questions if we take as long as I want to take in there.”

“Copy that for future reference,” Jay grins and then whirls away feeling Hailey’s gaze on him till he’s out of sight. 

\- - - - - - 

Two hours later, Jay and Hailey are in the bullpen. It’s just them, the others out with their CI’s and Voight attempting to wrestle control of the latest case back to intelligence with the Higher-ups. 

For now, it’s time to write up the reports from the last case and particularly the developments of last night.

Halfway through, Hailey gets up to make a drink and a minute or two later as she’s stirring the coffee she hears Jay’s footsteps. 

“So when do we tell Voight?” he asks, his voice a hushed tone even though it’s just them around right now. 

Hailey looks at Jay, watching him as he pulls a chair back and sits down. 

“About us?”

Jay nods.

“We think he already knows, right?” At Jay’s nod, Hailey lifts her coffee mug and sits down in the chair facing Jay, “If he knows he’s not said anything to me and not to you either so that must mean he’s not mad about it?”

“True. Less likely that he’ll split us up too.” Jay points out.

Hailey shrugs, “Maybe, I guess one of us won’t have to quit intelligence as long as we keep it tight between us, the same it’s always been, who knows though long term as partners?”

“Yeah.” Jay agrees, resting his arms on the table. 

“As for when to tell him I think we’ll know when we’re ready and if he asks us first, then we’ll be ready. We just keep showing him we’re good, we aren’t doing anything differently to how we were before.”

“Makes sense,” Jay nods.

Hailey watches him as he leans back, visibly relaxing. Feeling the same way too, relieved that they’ve had the conversation properly and that they’re on the same page. Neither of them reluctant for the wrong reasons,; be that concern over Voight’s reaction or doubt in what they have. 

Just careful and eager to prove to Voight if he’s even halfway aware as they suspect that he’s got no need for concern.

“Hey,” Jay interrupts her thoughts, “I was thinking.”

“Bold move,” Hailey jokes.

He mouths ‘ha’ but is undeterred and says, “We should go out, a date.”

“That’s very conventional, Jay.”

“I know, wait, are we the couple who are all, ooh look how normal we are, and yet here we are years into being partners and being there for each other when things got tough and I’m still here suggesting a date like we just met.”

Hailey shakes her head, “No I don’t think we are because isn’t the whole point of dating having fun?”

“You mean all those explorations of our feelings post bad cases or plain old bad days weren't having fun?” 

Hailey’s eyebrows arch upwards quickly, “For the masochists among us, maybe.”

“You’re right though, we need fun which is my plan, somewhere good, something different to what we’ve done before. Something run of the mill and conventional even as long as it’s just relaxing.”

“Any ideas?”

“I got a bunch, some so cliche I can’t even believe I’m thinking of them.”

Hailey grins, “Like?”

Jay accompanies the shake of his head with a finger wag, “Oh no. They’ll all be surprises so don’t even think about getting them out of me, anyway thought we’d start simple and I’ll tell you this one, a trip to the movies.”

“You weren’t lying when you said cliche,” Hailey teases, grinning more as Jay reddens slightly. 

“Hey, nothing wrong with wanting to feel you up in the back row.”

“Who said romance was dead?” Hailey replies drily as she takes a sip of coffee. 

“Well okay, but the place is cool. You know The Logan Theater?” 

“Uh-huh, the art déco place. Okay, I gotta admit, I am a little impressed now.”

“Yeah, you know they do late nights at the Logan, well I thought it’d be perfect for us after a long day and better than being sat on the couch at home.”

“Feeling me up in public? Some kind of exhibitionist kink showing there,Halstead.”

“You’re the one saying it, Upton,” Jay retorts, laughing reaching a hand out to touch hers, “Though actually the trouble with things like last night, all I want to do now is touch you, hold you.”

“I wouldn’t complain.”

“Voight might and it’d be just our luck for him to show up the moment we do.”

Hailey doesn’t argue, just sips again at her coffee, casting a look at Jay as he gives her a wistful look then pushes his chair back, standing up. 

“So when are we going?”

Jay’s almost at the doorway when he turns back, tapping his nose, stepping into the bullpen out of sight and shouting loud enough so she can hear, “The Logan? Now, that would be telling.” 

“Oh my god, so annoying,” Hailey grumbles to the room. 

At least the room can’t call her out on her smile and her lie. 

\- - - - - - 

“You’re definitely holding out on me, Will.” 

The older Halstead shoots Jay a look that even if Jay wasn’t a detective, he could decipher in an instant so as though he’s not his brother and more like he’s a suspect, Jay presses on as they walk along the corridor at Med. 

“Still haven’t told me who this Hannah A person is and anytime you don’t tell me something as simple as who a lady calling you is, I get nervous.”

“She’s a friend,” Will admits then more quietly adds, “A fellow doctor.”

“A friend who’ll remain a friend or a friend who you do much less friend things with?”

“You mean like you and Hailey?” Will fires back.

“Hey man, I’m not the one hiding and being all evasive about a friend,” Jay punctuates the last word with air quotes. 

Will stops, “She’s a friend, someone I care about and someone I don’t want to label anything with other than we’re just friends.”

“You’re a terrible liar. All us Halsteads are terrible liars.”

“That’s gotta suck as an undercover detective.”

Jay rolls his eyes, “You’re deflecting, but whatever. I just want you okay and safe, that’s all.”

Any annoyance rolls off and away from Will in an instant and his expression softens, “I know. I know. I’m fine. I’m taking whatever she and I have going carefully, okay?”

It is okay and Jay lets it go because really he has no choice. Whatever’s going on, it’s clear there’s no way Will is going to tell him, or at least not right now. A reminder too here or there that Jay doesn’t know the full facts doesn’t hurt though he figures. 

That done, he moves onto why he’s here or the second reason at least. 

“Hey, you still know that guy who works at The Logan?”

“The movie theater, yeah Carl, why?”

Jay scuffs the floor with his shoes and then looks back at Will, scratching his neck at the same time. 

“They still do little private nights, screenings I mean?”

“I mean, I guess, I don’t know. I can’t remember the last time I went there or even thought of the place. Why are you blushing, man?” Will narrows his eyes, a small smile appearing on his face. 

“Me and Hailey, we’re dating.”

Will blinks, confused. “Yeah, I know.”

“No, we will actually date. Not just living together and being partners, actually fun stuff, dating.”

“That’s cute, my baby bro’s growing up,” Will teases, lifting his fingers to Jay’s face to squeeze his cheeks as though Jay’s a kid not a thirty something man. 

Jay bats Will’s hand away muttering a swear word or two, but he’s not mad about it, he’s not mad about any of this though he plays it like he is because habit and also siblings right? 

“I wish Kev or Adam or anyone knew the guy at the Logan and not you,” he grumbles 

Will laughs then relents, deciding to go easy on Jay, “Ok, I’ll ask Carl if they still do it. When do you want to do the thing?”

“Soon but also need to be sure we won’t need to cancel it because of the job so just find out if they do it first?”

“This isn’t anything more than just a date?” Will asks as the thought occurs to him. 

“Like what?” Jay looks up from where he’s now holding his cell to his brother.

“You know, a proposal?”

Jay scoffs, “No, I love her. I do love her, but no, it’s just a trip to the movies.”

“Now look who’s lying.”

Jay says nothing in response and the ensuing silence feels loaded with them both knowing that it's not just a trip to the movies while being all too aware there’s a need to do things right borne from the knowledge of past mistakes. To do it all slowly but surely and Jay knows this as much as Will. Perhaps just the silent acknowledgement is more than enough, there’s no need to voice it yet. 

They’re interrupted by a message alert on Jay’s cell. 

“I gotta go, call me when you know more and call me again when you’re ready to talk about Dr. Hannah A ‘kay?” Jay’s already walking away, pocketing his cell as he does. 

Will watches him go, resisting what feels like a pressing urge to go after him and tell him about Hannah, everything, because despite how far from easing Jay’s nerves the act of telling him would be and that it’d probably heighten them, Will _wants_ to talk about it. 

Instead, he turns away back to the ED and as far away in his head from what causes him sparks of joy and apprehension all at once. 

Not what, though: Who.

\- - - - - - 

In the days after Michelle Sullivan gets away from her husband, it’s probably unsurprising that Hailey thinks a lot more about her situation. Her childhood and how things are now directly because of that childhood. 

She teeters on the edge of calling her mother multiple times. Each time there’s enough to distract her so she can easily step away from thinking of it. Easily is probably not the best word though. 

She can distract herself, be it with Jay who’s back to not sleeping or the job or Vanessa who may act tough on the outside, but that layer’s fragile. 

Whether it's just this feeling of ‘that could have been me’ when Hailey looks at the younger woman, she can’t say. Though there’s always this feeling that’s not so far below the surface every time Hailey looks at Vanessa or thinks of her situation that it could so easily have been herself and her brothers in that same chain of events had just one thing altered, had the neighbors called the cops each time there’d been shouting or one thud too loud instead of every half dozen times. 

Stuck in the system rather than on the outside staring in. 

Hailey sees the flicker of disappointment on Jay’s face when she decides to stay at her own place. She can sense the concern, maybe he’s felt her distance herself in the same way Hailey’s felt it too. As though she’s watching herself from above. 

For tonight Hailey needs her own space. Needs that bed of her own. The opportunity to think quietly even if it’s lay in bed awake all night as she suspects will be the case. Sure she could talk it over with Jay and it’s safer at least with Jay because there’s not the urge in the same way to message her mother as there is here and now in her own place but she still needs the space, no matter the risk of her impulse overcoming her head. Her brain. 

Isn’t it always the way Hailey thinks she can never fully allow someone in? Even before everything got more intimate, even before the ‘I love you’s’, even in the times Jay’s been more solid than anyone in her life, there’s this voice saying ‘Back away now.” Self-sabotage at its most harmful. 

Vanessa’s sitting across from her, watching Hailey. Hailey can feel her eyes on her even as Hailey sits cross-legged on the couch, staring down at the phone in her lap, at the contact that all she has to do is press the call button and even if she dropped the call straightaway, her mom would know.

Worse than that, so would her father. 

Hailey doesn’t hear Vanessa get off the chair, doesn’t even hear her as she sinks down onto the couch next to her. 

She _does_ feel her arm around her though, she feels the comfort, hears the quiet ‘it’s okay’ and she believes it.

Hailey doesn’t object when Vanessa takes the phone from her and places it on the table in front of them.

She follows when Vanessa says, “We got a whole heap of bananas that are overripe, let’s make some bread,” and she catches Vanessa’s eye in the kitchen, that look of understanding.

That even though there’s nothing that’s exactly the same about their lives, their upbringing. The throwing them around the system and dropping them down and hoping they make it like Vanessa's life as a kid is nothing like Hailey’s.

Still it makes perfect sense that Vanessa gets that she needs a distraction before she does something stupid, maybe their version of stupid is altogether different but at least she gets it.

Since when was wanting to check in with home stupid though? Maybe that’s where the true similarity lies because while Hailey has a family, has siblings, sometimes it’s like another world and one she tries regularly to forget. 

While she covets yet pushes away away the family she’s built here and now instead. 

Vanessa hands her the bunch of bananas, a bowl and a fork. 

“I hear mashing bananas is the perfect distraction and way to focus all those bad thoughts into making something good.”

Hailey breaks off the first banana peeling it and then looks across to Vanessa where she’s stood with another bowl and butter that’s she scraping into the bowl, catching her eye and seeing Vanessa’s understanding smile. 

“Thanks Vee.”

“All the things you’ve done for me, Hail, this is the least I can do, right?”

\- - - - - - 

Jay’s drowning, his head submerged. All his thoughts jumbled, panicked. There’s a ringing in his ears and a sharp pain in his temple but it’s all fading the longer he remains underwater. 

The small part of his brain that’s still registering new sounds hears the laughter. Unfriendly laughter. Cruel laughter. 

He tries to shut it out, lose the battle because at least then the pain will go sooner rather than later. Let them say they’ve won, he doesn’t care anymore, he’s too tired. 

Too soon though, his head’s pulled from the water, from the bucket and he’s lying on the ground, a sharp pain in his shoulder and a cacophony of noise, banging, laughter, accusations, her voice.

Angela’s. 

“Ok, I love you.”

Definitely not Angela’s voice and he smiles despite the pain before there’s another round of banging and he blinks his eyes open, breathing heavily as he looks up and sees the familiar ceiling of his own place and realizes it was another nightmare. 

A nightmare only eased by Hailey’s voice and naturally the moment he felt comforted, it was snatched from him and as he looks to his right and sees the space in the bed, feels the ache in his shoulder and his ears feel clogged, waterlogged as if Afghanistan was seconds not years ago, he lets out a shaky shuddery breath. 

Only then does he hear the banging that’s more like knocking again which is definitely not from his nightmare, it’s from here and now and he glances at the clock, it’s 5.32 am. 

Someone knocking at the door at a time like this? Can only spell trouble or bad news and if he was an optimist, he’d stay in bed and wait till they give up and go away but he’s not and he’d rather face whatever it is.

Maybe it could even be Hailey. Missing him. Wishful thinking probably he thinks as he gets out of bed and pulls a sweater from the back of the chair in the corner and steps out of the bedroom and into the living room. 

The urgent knocking starts again and the neighbors will hate Jay for this. 

“Okay, okay, I’m coming,” he calls tiredly, rubbing his eyes as he reaches the door and looks through the spy hole. 

Once and then another time. 

Then he pinches himself and there’s a question forming on his lips as he steps away, looks around and realizes he’s still here, still stood in front of the door and then he has another look and sees a hand wave in front of the spy hole and he chokes out a tearful laugh before he undoes the bolt and unlocks the door, throwing it open and shaking his head at the person standing there.

The person leaning on a pair of crutches, shivering slightly. 

“It’s freezing cold, also hey what’s up Halstead? I got delayed, but I got here as fast as I could.”

Jay’s rarely at a loss for words or prone to sudden outbursts of tears, yet here he is now with a bad case of the former and in danger of the latter, scarcely believing. 

“Seriously man, what’s a guy gotta do to get a ‘I missed you buddy’ hug around here?”

Jay shakes his head, mutters an apology and pulls the other man in for a hug, as much to prove he’s real as anything else before he pulls away, holds him at arm’s length and manages.

“Greg, what the hell,” then gathers himself and adds, “Mouse man, am I glad to see you?”

“That’s a rhetorical question right?”

Just like that it’s as though Mouse has never been away and even as he wobbles slightly on his crutches and there’s a barrel load of concern in Jay’s mind and a hundred and one questions too, all he feels is overwhelming giddy relief right now. 

“Come on in man, come sit down before you fall down.”

“I thought you’d never ask.”

And all Jay can think is ‘I thought you’d never come back’. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, if you did please consider leaving a comment or kudos. 
> 
> I was honestly in 2 minds for the longest time about what to do re Mouse. Then I wrote Watching which got the worst case scenario out my system and then yeah. There's probably a few more chapters of this story to come with an AU take on the rest of season 7 complete with added Mouse and then maybe a second more case based story within this world or something completely different - what do you think?
> 
> xxx


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3 months later! Needless to say, i had major writers block with this chapter. I then started Falling Deep. 
> 
> So sorry for the wait and I hope it's kinda worth it. 
> 
> As always any mistakes down to me x

“No, but seriously Halstead, stop staring at me, it’s unnerving.”

Jay mutters an apology as he breaks his gaze toward his friend, feels himself stare again and shuts his eyes to stop himself doing it.

Mouse is sitting on the armchair, Jay on the couch. Both nursing a mug of coffee. Mouse’s crutches discarded on the floor beside the armchair temporarily. 

Now Mouse is here, Jay’s lost for words. Keeps starting the conversation in his head, always coming up empty.

“You look good, man, or at least better than I thought you’d be from those emails.”

Jay hesitates before looking up from the coffee, schooling his expression into something he hopes is strong, is sure, and not the Jay who’d poured out so much vulnerability in those messages. 

One look at Mouse and the searching, penetrating but ultimately kind gaze back at him and he knows he didn’t succeed. 

Jay shrugs, “Bullets heal you know,” then changing the subject quickly he points toward the crutches, ”What happened to you?”

Mouse doesn’t respond at first, shakes his head slightly but doesn’t push it further, for now anyway, and then grins, “Where we were was attacked and I fell down some stairs, snapped my leg in half or it felt like it.”

Jay winces in sympathy, “Where was that?”

Mouse taps his nose, “Somewhere hot so nowhere near here and I could tell you but I don’t wanna have to kill ya, not this quickly anyway.”

Jay grins, looks away and then back to his friend, “Man, I missed you.”

“The feeling’s mutual, buddy,” Mouse takes a breath, and the gaze is back and within a second or two, so are the questions, “So, a lot’s changed since I left?”

“Is there really no hope I’ll be able to get through however long you’re here for without dodging the questions?” Jay asks, his eyes pleading for the surprise it would be if Mouse said that there was hope.

He doesn’t reply, and that’s Jay’s undoing. The silence. 

“Everything. _Everything_ has changed.”

“None more so than you I’m guessing.”

Jay chews at his bottom lip, rubs his face and sighs, “I’m not sure about that. Though you know I think you leaving was the start of everything falling apart for a while.”

Jay looks up, expecting to hear some wisecrack from the other man. All he sees instead is sympathy, empathy, and it’s the undoing of him. 

Almost. 

He shakes head, “You already heard everything in those emails, Greg.”

“I suspect they were Cliff’s notes. You know all I _do_ know without hearing it from your mouth and being able to hear you say the things out loud is that I don’t know many people, hell any people who could cope with all that and still be here. Living. Breathing.”

Jay deflects because it’s always easier, it's a habit, “Plenty of people have it worse.”

“Name them.”

The challenge in Mouse’s voice startles Jay, and he has to look away. Stands up with his coffee mug to get away and reaches for Mouse’s mug too. Except Mouse moves his mug out of his reach, shakes his head and points towards the couch Jay had vacated.

“Sit. Talk.”

“Who died and made you this bossy?” Jay complains, though he obeys and slumps back down onto the couch, the mug placed back on the coffee table again. 

When Mouse says nothing in response, just stares, Jay shifts uncomfortably under the scrutiny. 

“We all lose people. Correction, we’ve all lost people. I don’t have the monopoly on it, man. That’s it.”

“Want me to remind you of some things you said in the emails?” Mouse says it gently, without judgement. 

“I was in a bad place. It wasn’t long after,” Jay gestures vaguely towards his shoulder, “I wasn’t sleeping.”

“Sleeping any better now?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah, didn’t think so.”

Jay looks up sharply then, annoyed suddenly and shakes his head, “I’ve changed, _really_ changed since you left. You don’t get to judge me.”

“That’s why I’m not judging. I’m not, Jay. You think I don’t know what it’s like when your days comprise wakeful nights too? I know it. I’ve lived it.”

“Past tense?”

Mouse quirks a half-smile, “What do you think?”

Jay returns the half-smile and looks like he’s about to say something, but then he glances at his watch. 

“It won't be long till Hailey comes by. We could do this later?”

“Come on, man. I don’t want minute detail. I also don’t wanna bring back the past unnecessarily except, I don’t think the past is ever far from your thoughts anyway, right? Besides, since when did you guys start this early, anyway? And knowing you and knowing that despite how much you may protest, you haven’t changed so much that I don’t still know how you work, you do it now, you get it out of your system. By the time I meet Hailey, it’s done, at least for a little while.”

Jay says nothing, steeples his hands together and shuts his eyes, then nods. 

“You know things weren’t perfect while you were around but things really fell apart after. All my past mistakes, _Abby_ ,” Jay looks up at that point, sees the flicker of recognition and the pained look Mouse sends his way, “came back to haunt me. I was messed up. Things were getting to me. I moved out of Erin’s and stuff happened and she left on the same night I was going to propose.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, that about sums it up,” Jay agrees. His lips curled into an imitation of a smile, “Not long after that, I shot a kid. Accidentally, but it was still my bullet that killed her. There were a couple of cases that messed me up some more. I got into a relationship with someone I really should have walked away from, and then Al was murdered.”

“I read about it. About 3 weeks after the event. Wanted to reach out, but there was never long enough for me to do that in a way that would’ve felt anything other than unsatisfactory. I felt like reaching out would be the opposite of what you needed if I wasn’t there to back you up after it. I figured Erin would be around too I guess and Will.”

“You didn’t need to, man. You had your own shit to deal with. Staying alive and all.”

Mouse frowns, “Still, Olinsky was good. He thought a lot of you, I could always see that and I know he meant a lot to you. To all of you. Don’t dismiss that.”

“I’m not. He did.” Jay’s voice is quiet, the tension in his jaw, the muscle in his cheek twitching, the only sign of emotion. 

“And hey, you know something if I thought that was the end. That was all, and I use the word _all_ knowing that was still way too much, that you had to deal with, that’d still be a lot, but it’s not. Not by a long way, is it?”

The silence doesn’t go on for long, but the time it’s there is almost suffocating. More suffocating and more stressful now it’s all there in his head and front and center in his mind and he’s not articulating it so he does. 

“Dad and I were never close, you know that.”

“You only get 1 dad, Jay.”

“Yeah, I guess. Hey, you wanna know something funny?”

Mouse narrows his eyes, mutters, “Sure.”

“I almost got shot dead. Had the bullets been a little higher and had I not worn a vest then maybe you’d have been back home a little earlier and in this apartment but about to attend my funeral.”

“Jesus Christ.” Mouse shakes his head. 

“What?” 

“ _That’s_ the something funny? I thought I had the monopoly on the strangest sense of humor, Jesus, Jay.”

“It’s okay. I’m okay. The other guy not so much, but he was the one who killed dad and a bunch of other people. It was worth it.”

“Only worth it if you’re not dead and you’re not, but still, you don’t get to say something’s funny when it’s not. When it’s the least funny thing ever.”

“Ok, sorry,” Jay mutters. 

Mouse waves away his apology. The need for it already forgotten as far as he’s concerned, “So how’s Will? Things better between you both?”

“I guess. I mean yeah, we both deal with things differently, but that’s common, right? It _is_ better though and I feel awful saying this, but it’s easier without dad. You know dad was always pretty equal opportunities about railing against us both, but he was always harder on me. I think Will would see it differently,” he pauses, lifting the mug again, staring into it. A distraction, “You know I spent my life after I joined thinking dad resented everything about me being in the job. Found out after he cared more than he let on.”

“That’s got to hurt.”

“Not if you try not to think about it,” Jay admits. 

“Ah denial, my favorite friend.”

Jay shares a rueful look with his friend before continuing, “Which brings me to the past few months and well, _this._ ”

“Why do I feel you’re missing out a bunch of stuff?”

“Nothing important.”

Jay feels the penetrating stare and meets it. Determined to not look away first, he succeeds as Mouse sighs, looking away for a fraction of a second before he looks back at Jay, pointing toward him.

“Well, I gotta say I’m surprised you said as much as you did. I stand by what I said though. All that crap and _that._ The healing bullet wound in your shoulder, which I bet right now is reminding you it’s there like every wound does the moment you think of how you came about it. How do you keep functioning, man?”

Jay leans forward, pointing his finger towards his friend’s leg, “Same way you do.”

“This? Man, this was nothing. Just a little rotten luck.”

“You’re as full of BS as I am, Greg.”

Mouse holds his hands up in submission, “Learned from the best, didn’t I?”

Jay’s small laugh and mutter of “Touche,” says it all. 

“Seriously though Jay, I’m proud of you for dealing with it all, You look better than I thought you’d look too. Now, get me another drink and then you can tell me all about Hailey or if she’s coming as soon as you say she is then at least you can make a start.”

\- - - - -

Hailey splashes her face with water, patting it dry gently with a towel, and stares at her reflection in the mirror of her bathroom. 

She’d barely slept last night. Had got out of bed 3 times. Twice she’d made it as far as the front door, keys in hand, but each time something had stopped her. 

She scrapes her hair back and wraps it in a hair band in a loose ponytail and then turns the light switch off and shuts the door behind her. 

Walking down the stairs, she glances at her cell before she pockets it again. It’s 7.47am and she can hear Vanessa moving around the kitchen.

“Morning Hail, coffee or a smoothie?” The younger woman shouts as Hailey joins her in the kitchen, “Woah, sorry thought you were still upstairs,” she says speaking more quietly as she realizes.

“That’s okay. And no thank you, think I’ll pick up some coffees on the way to Jay’s and maybe a nice pastry or something.”

Vanessa shakes her head though and gestures towards the tupperware container on the counter near to Hailey.

“That’s the banana bread we made or some of it. Figured you could take some home to Jay and then I’ll take the rest in. Already promised Kev some.”

Hailey arches an eyebrow, “Oh really?”

Vanessa rolls her eyes, “Come on Hailey, he’s just a friend and friends bake banana bread for all their friends which includes Kevin.”

“Okay, well I’ll take your word for it, but just for the record not so long ago, you were calling me out about me and Jay.”

“And was I wrong?”

“That’s not the point, you know the point Vee, but okay, he’s _just_ a friend.”

“Yes, he is. Now go take the bread to Jay and those coffees and I’ll see you later.”

“Yes mom,” Hailey mock-salutes as she picks up the container and walks toward the door, this time she leaves the house as she pulls the keys from her pocket. 

\- - - - -

“And anyway then she shot out the ceiling and I didn’t have to infect myself.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What?”

“What what?”

Jay rolls his eyes, “The way you said ‘uh-huh’. That was a very judgemental uh-huh.”

“It was literally just me saying ‘Uh-huh’ as an acknowledgment to what you said about your super duper super hot partner, who may just also be the love of your life from the way you smile every couple of seconds when you talk about her, and girlfriend who also is an ace shot too. Is she even real?”

“What? Like I invented her?”

“No, I mean yeah, but no. I don’t know how you manage it, Jay. Emotional screw up like you and yet you get these amazing girlfriends while I,” Mouse looks around him and then leans over the side of his chair and quickly finds what he’s looking for, “have these amazing crutches.”

Jay smiles sympathetically then grins, “You’re just not as handsome and charming as me.”

“Smarter though.”

“Yeah right.”

“Well, it wouldn’t have taken me over 2 years to admit my feelings for the person I’d been in love with for that long.”

“It wasn’t that long.”

Mouse makes a scoffing noise, “Oh okay yeah, twenty months, my bad.”

Jay’s inevitable argument backwards stops when he hears the key in the door and he glances behind him over the back of the couch towards it, standing up quickly, nervous suddenly for a reason he’s not even sure of. 

He’s vaguely aware of Mouse reaching for his other crutch and standing up too as the door opens and Hailey steps into the apartment. 

\- - - - -

Jay looks anxious. No, not anxious, nervous, but not in a negative way. Kid at Christmas like nervous. He looks younger with it, years younger Hailey thinks despite the gray circles under his eyes from the recent absence of sleep.

She hears the door close around her and tilts her head to one side as she notices that Jay’s not alone in the apartment. 

The other man’s just a little shorter than Jay, accentuated by the way he’s leaning into his crutches, but he’s smiling as he gives Hailey an appraising look. 

She’s never met him, but she already knows who he is. Understands now why Jay’s grinning as he looks between Hailey and the other man. Not just the other man. 

“Mouse?” She tries as she lays the coffee cups on the counter and the container next to them and then walks towards the stranger who’s not really a stranger at all. 

She glances at Jay who nods - a slight smile on his face, his shoulders relaxing instantly before she turns her attention fully onto the man now in front of her. 

“That would be me,” Mouse confirms, lifting a hand to shake hers and she holds hers out, squeezing his warmly before she nods towards the chair.

“Sit down before you fall down, Mouse, it’s so good to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Oh yeah? Betcha, it’s not as much as I’ve heard about you.” Mouse nods towards Jay as he obeys Hailey and lowers himself onto the chair. Jay reddens just slightly.

Hailey laughs, it feels good to laugh after how she’s felt over the last few days and to see Jay grin genuinely even as he blushes. 

“Well, maybe we can discuss what Jay said about each of us over a coffee and some banana bread before me and this guy have to go to work?”

“That sounds great,” Mouse nods toward Jay before Jay turns toward Hailey and follows her to the kitchen. 

“Hey,” he whispers, his hand touching her waist lightly as he leans in, “Missed you last night.”

Hailey turns toward him, meeting his eyes, “The feeling’s mutual,” quietly she adds, “I needed it though and also I think it was kinda serendipitous,” she nods toward Mouse, “I can’t imagine the relief when you opened the door.”

Jay follows her gaze, his eyes widening as he does, “You know I have to keep checking he’s there even when we were talking I kept thinking maybe I was asleep and for once it was a pleasant dream.”

He stops himself, looks down briefly as he realizes what he’s said and it’s the squeeze of his hand and the gentle way she whispers, “Jay,” that has him looking back at her, seeing her smile. 

“It’s okay to admit it. I’m not going to sound the alarms. I won’t suggest you see a therapist each time you suggest that bad dreams can be a regular occurrence. I get them too. It happens.”

“Ok,” Jay murmurs his acceptance and watches as Hailey opens the container and grabs a knife from the silverware drawer.

“Grab 3 plates for me, Jay?”

Jay nods, casting a quick glance back toward Mouse before he does, sees the smile and wink of approval on his best friend no matter how long it’s been’s face and he exhales that little easier. 

\- - - - -

Hailey and Jay are watching a house, part of a new case, their attention focused there. It’s quiet in the truck aside from the occasional click of the camera. 

Then the door of the house opens and the 3 occupants leave it, walking to their car, unaware of the eyes on them.

“Seeing this, guys?” Hailey says into her radio.

“Yep,” Adam replies, “We’ll follow them.”

“Copy that. We’ll stay in position in case anyone else shows or they return quicker than we expected.”

“Copy,” comes the reply and Hailey sets her radio down, exhaling as she sees the car move away and out of sight. 

They can’t entirely relax, but there’s a little time at least to talk. 

Hailey smiles at Jay then narrows her eyes at him, “Thought you’d be more excited that he’s back.”

Jay doesn’t look at her at first, just shrugs instead. Eyes focused on the camera as he frowns, “See the size of his bag? It’s not for long.”

“Shows how much you matter to him if it's just for a day or two then,” Hailey points out. 

Jay nods, “I guess. I suppose I get greedy. I want him here so I can keep an eye on him. Keep him safe so he doesn’t do stuff that leaves him on crutches.”

“Uh-huh.”

Jay had looked away for a moment towards the house, but his head immediately snaps back to look at Hailey and he rolls his eyes.

“That’s the same way that Mouse said ‘uh-huh’. Also, what are you uh-huh-ing me about?”

Hailey gestures towards Jay’s shoulder. 

“I’m just thinking maybe it’s hard for him too. You both have dangerous occupations.”

“It doesn’t need to be like that. He could come home,” Hailey’s about to say something but Jay continues, staring out the window, not looking at Hailey as he speaks, “He won’t though. That’s why he won’t stay long. Even if it’s for the better and even if he believed he wouldn’t slip backward, I can see in his eyes, it’s not the right time.”

“So?” Hailey gently touches his thigh to bring him back to her.

He swallows, shutting his eyes for a fraction of a second then turning towards her, sounding more convinced than he feels, he says, “Then we make sure the twenty-four hours or however long it is that he’s here is worth the while. Gives him something to want to come back for.”

\- - - - -

“You’re gonna stick around, right?” 

Jay’s been gone for maybe 3 minutes when Mouse asks the question. He’s gone to get the pizzas. Mouse rejecting the opportunity to head out, preferring to stay in one place. To get the chance to talk to Hailey. 

Hailey realized this the moment he’d suggested Jay do it. The loaded expression and pointed finger toward Mouse from Jay showing they all know it. 

She hadn’t expected the question so soon, though. A little light questioning, but this? Hailey admires it honestly. The directness. 

“Because a lot of us have left him. Pulled the rug out right from underneath him just when he may have thought for once things would be okay or that everyone was around him who mattered the most till they weren’t. I include myself in those people firmly, by the way. We all had a reason but, yeah anyway, you’ll stick around?”

Hailey pauses before she replies. Sees the guilt that Mouse shouldn’t feel at all. People move on in life all the time but she gets it, she’s seen it in Jay, the effects of people leaving. 

Jay’s still here though, intact despite all that's happened and for now, even if it’s just for a few more hours, so is Mouse. Hailey’s not one for lying though even if a simple yes answer would be the kindest, easiest response to give.

“As long as I’m alive and as long as the crap that threatens to pull us apart and our pasts which play a part in that strengthens us instead, I’m here,” she gestures around the apartment and then fixes Mouse with a stare, “Even if this between us doesn’t work out that could never change.”

Mouse returns her stare, his head tilting slowly to one side, expression so serious at first now switching to a smile, “You know what, I believe you. I’m glad he has you, Hailey, and even though he’s a big old dumbass who has this propensity to attract danger and trouble, I’m glad you have him too.”

Hailey waits a beat before she replies, “How about you? Who do you have, Mouse?”

He laughs. It’s genuine enough, and Hailey would know. Expert as she is at pretending. 

“I got the guys, the camaraderie I need. I have a career that fulfills me. I got people, or maybe just a person or two in this city, and you know I’ve never wanted much more than that,” he shrugs and smiles, a quiet smile that Hailey tries to see through. To call out the lie, but there’s no sign of one. No tell, “The love of my life, right now it’s my career. Maybe someone’ll clobber me over the head and I’ll fall in love with a person, but I see what love does with people and it ain’t always pretty.”

“Sometimes though.” Hailey says, her fingers fidgeting with the edge of the couch.

Mouse’s quiet smile turns to a full beam grin, “Oh man, Jay Halstead, huh? Somewhere along the line he finally got some luck and I ain’t even mad about it.”

\- - - - -

Jay tosses the paper napkin toward the now empty pizza box and leans backward on the couch, blowing out a contented breath, looking to his right at Hailey and then Mouse, pointing towards the box. 

“Now if that didn’t convince you to stay in Chicago a little longer, I have no idea what will.”

“You _do_ realize they sell pizza in other states. Guess what, they even sell it in different countries.”

Jay scoffs, then his eyes light up, “Like Thailand.”

Mouse’s mouth falls open, and he claps his hands together at the shared memory, “Oh man, Thailand.”

Hailey looks from Jay to Mouse and then Mouse to Jay twice over, “What happened in Thailand?” 

Both men raise their eyebrows and let out a whistle between their teeth. They exchange a glance before Jay replies, “What happened in Thailand stays in Thailand.”

“Yeah,” Mouse agrees.

Hailey throws her hands up in the air in exasperation and then stands up, “You’re not Brad Pitt, Jay but whatever. I’m going to take a shower,” she squeezes Jay’s shoulder as she walks past him at the back of the couch and disappears into the bathroom. 

Jay peers toward the bathroom and then looks straight ahead to the TV. 

“Thailand huh?” Mouse interrupts his thoughts. 

“Yeah. Thailand.”

It’s quiet for maybe 2 minutes, though it feels like longer. Both of them lost in thought and memories, some good, some, well, awful. Jay catches the second that Mouse breathes out, nodding just before he speaks. 

“I’m leaving tomorrow. You think you and Hailey could go for brunch some place and then you can see me off?”

It’s not unexpected of course, Jay had admitted it himself, but it doesn’t mean Jay doesn’t feel the sting of disappointment. He’s aware though that Mouse is unsettled in the city. No desire to want to go out or spend time out in the city here apart from right before he leaves. 

Jay has no right to beg him to stay, even though the words lie perilously close to the tip of his tongue. Somehow he finds different words instead. 

“Absolutely, Greg.”

Mouse’s look of relief reveals that he probably worried Jay would try to talk him out of it, and he’s glad now he sees it that he didn’t. 

“Hold on to her. You know, I wondered if it was a good idea for you. Dating someone from the job. Your partner again. Within 5 minutes of meeting her, I changed my mind. Just 5 minutes of talking just to her. She needs you, you need her, but it’s not in a bad way. An unhealthy way. You’ve changed and the most credit goes to you, but seeing you together? It works.”

Jay swallows reflexively, “Apart from you and maybe Will, she’s the only one who I’ve allowed to see me at my real worst. The most painful things. As soon as I began to open up and realized how much it helped,” he pauses, frowning, “No, how much _she_ helped. It got easier. Now it’s just a matter of getting her to realize it’s okay to do the same with me.”

The tiny movement at the corner of Mouse’s lips is Jay’s only warning.

“I’m trying, Jay,” Hailey says from behind him, rounding the couch quickly, dressed in one of Jay’s flannel shirts and a pair of old jogging bottoms of her own, her hair still damp from the shower, she sits down next to him, kissing him on the mouth tenderly, repeating, “I am really trying,” before she reaches for his hand, rests her head against his shoulder and smiles at Mouse who simply nods.

Jay reaches for the tv remote and turns it on. The old familiar, comfortable glorious routine with Hailey’s head against his shoulder. Occasionally stealing a glance at Mouse. Trying to savor every moment he’s here till the next time. However long that may be.

\- - - - -

“So where are you going?” Jay asks as he places the small backpack on both of Mouse’s shoulders before he rejoins Hailey, standing next to her outside the place they’d just had brunch.

“That’s between me and my plane ticket,” Mouse taps his nose.

“Wait, plane ticket? Man, we can give you a ride to the airport?”

Mouse shakes his head.

“No. I know you could, but no. I’m good from here. This was only ever a brief stop. Just to check you were okay and I know you’re not there yet, but with that one,” he gestures to Hailey, “You’re gonna be great as long as you don’t get in the way of a bullet again.”

“Gonna do my best not to,” Jay promises as he steps closer and draws the other man in for a hug, hearing Mouse’s voice as he does.

“If I have to come back again and it’s not for your engagement party or wedding, I will slap your head so hard, Halstead ya hear me?”

Jay grins before he whispers back, “Loud and clear. Never make me worry for you again like I was, okay?”

They pull apart. Jay’s hand cupping the back of Mouse’s neck. Smiles and the things they say now without words that speak volumes for their history, their love for each other and their quiet hope in each other’s future. 

Mouse switches his gaze to Hailey. Hailey who steps forward to embrace him too.

“Please take care of yourself,” she instructs him.

“Yeah, I will. You too, and that idiot over there. Also, if he hasn’t proposed to you within the year, look me up, ‘kay?”

Hailey laughs lightly. 

“That was a bona fide offer, actually Hailey.”

She laughs louder before she presses a kiss against Mouse’s cheek and squeezes him once more before she pulls away and stands next to Jay, who draws her in closer. 

“Just between you and me, right Hailey?” Mouse taps his nose once more and beams as Hailey does the same.

“Get outta here, Gerwitz, and stop hitting on my girlfriend.”

“Oh yeah, what are you gonna do about it, huh?”

Jay waves a hand toward the crutches, “Kick those out from under you for starters.”

Mouse frowns, “You used to be so much nicer to me,” then he turns away and gestures toward an approaching cab, looking back toward Jay and Hailey as the car stops beside him, he shrugs, “Take care of each other okay?”

Jay takes a step nearer to him to help with the bag and his crutches but stops as soon as Mouse barks out, “Nope,” which stops the cab driver from helping too.

Instead, they all watch as Mouse slips the bag from one shoulder and then the other, tossing the bag onto the seat, leaning heavily on one crutch, then he lowers himself into the cab and pulls both crutches in, waves at Hailey and Jay and shuts the door.

“Be seeing you.”

“Counting on it, man,” Jay says, the words hitching in his throat as he feels Hailey’s hand squeeze the one that isn’t waving, “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Mouse echoes as the car pulls away, leaving Hailey and Jay waving till it’s out of sight. 

“You good?”

Jay looks down to Hailey and nods, small and uncertain. Not quite able to articulate himself though he tries, “Saying goodbye never gets easier, right?”

“Not when you love someone. Not when you have a history like you guys do.”

Jay nods slightly then looks at Hailey properly now who mouths, “It’s okay,” and then tugs his hand gently as they walk back towards the truck “Now I can think of no better time for you to tell me about that trip to Thailand.”

Jay lets out a groan, rubs his face and mutters, “You’re not ready to hear it, Hailey.”

“Oh no, you’re not getting out of it that easy, Jay Halstead, come on.”

“Okay, so it started like this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it was okay. Thanks for reading. I initially envisaged Mouse sticking around for a while but I dunno, it felt off to me for him to do that. His vocation, his calling, the way he wants to feel useful is sated only by his job for now at least (or at least for me anyway in this story). I hope you enjoyed.
> 
> Please consider leaving kudos and/or a comment. 
> 
> We're probably not far off the end with this story. Going to work with the remainder of s7 as far as Upstead was concerned with an AU slant to it so I hope it won't take another 3 months to do it. Take care and stay safe xxx

**Author's Note:**

> I may write a follow up depending on how Wednesday goes.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you liked it. if you did please consider leaving some kudos or drop me a comment xx


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